CJ Smith,
Sorry if I didn't make myself clear earlier. When I said buddying up I was talking about you downloading an app called victory app so that I can have you as my accountability partner .I am also interested in participating in your online 12 step group. When do we start?

We love the idea of finding online support, but would add that when your problem is online sexual behavior, whether it's porn, chat rooms, hookups, etc., it can remain risky to be connecting with the sexual addiction recovery community exclusively online. Among other reasons, there's a risk of being triggered that can easily lead to a slide from a support forum like this one back into the behaviors you want to escape.

We strongly encourage you to seek out in-person support as well as online support, to break out of the cycle of isolation that screen addictions of all kinds tend to foster. Go to a live 12-step meeting, see a live therapist, consult a live faith leader, etc. These face-to-face interactions are vitally important for a majority of people trying to recover from sex/porn addiction. They lead to human connections that are very difficult to replicate online.

We're happy to help anyone find their way to in-person support. Just drop us a line here or at our website. We're all-volunteer, nothing for sale, no judgment, no agenda. Just want to help.

Yours,
The Team @ PornHelp.org

Brother,

You make some points (if you have local support to get it), and you offer a good service (help people try and find local support) but we must admit we are not God and we don't have all the answers. We must be careful when giving advice that we're not getting in front of God's plan. If we are honest, we don't know God's will for members of this forum and just like all other humans, we are all addicted to sin in one way or another. We all fall short of God's glory. Moses, Daniel, Jesus, Paul, and many others had a different path to God than completing a local in person 12 step group. Nobody stopped Moses while he was walking up the mountain to check his 4th step inventory or 9th step amends. We have to be careful we're not trying to force any advice that is not in the scriptures otherwise they are idols. Scripture says lean not on our own understanding... but his.

We don't know how God works, nor do we know how God might use this website. So I'm trying to encourage members use the website (i.e. actively post and stay involved daily - stay in the light is aligned with scripture. It says to be in the light as he is in the light... the light can come from many areas besides in person).

Please use caution when making suggestions about reaching out to a therapist. They are are indoctrinated with worldly wisdom (who suggested my wife and I get a separation and created many problems for others I know in recovery). There are roughly 280 different psychological models, virtually all of them but a few are humanistic and have no room for God. In other words, in other words it's a science of the flesh and not the spirit. Their clinical approach, although some have even told me they are Christian in some cases, they too striped out the power of God and back in flesh/human power and worldly wisdom had no room but to be above the throne of God. No man can serve two masters, either he will follow one or the other.

There are others ways to mitigate against the risks you raise about going online and ultimately it appears you might be undercutting the potential and power of a support site like this. True, in person is preferred but there are some people who have nobody near them who has battled with this and seen any amount of victory. Out of the 1300+ members to this group is it possible that some of them might not have someone local to help them? Of those remaining who need some help, it's appears to be an assumption that you're under the impression that no-one out of 1300 members would not turn on their computer and check the Internet for any reason, not even to pay a bill online. We have to get real, there are members going online and when they do there are blocking filters and accountability software that can greatly help when online, however who will they be accountable to online if the only idea you have to suggest is for them not to reach out for support online - it only works well in person so what's the point.

I appreciate that you have a heart to help people find local in person resources, I can see we are on the same team, so please in your pursuit careful that your words don't undercut the value of this site, it's members, how God might want to do a work through the site, and how others might like to help people in ways outside your ministry and ideally encourage those like me, who would like to strongly encourage members if they are online to post and do daily check-ins and align with biblical wisdom vs. man's made wisdom). That would mean a lot to me. Thanks:)

Mr. Change, sounds good. Is the app called, "Victory App" by Subsplash Inc.? I see several on my IOS phone... The Victory App by Every Nation Ministries? Do you have the same user name on it?

Regarding 12 steps online... I suggest we kick it off mid next week. I'm heading out of town and I'd like to get a few things prepared in advance. How does that timing work for you? Also, please share with me how much background you have with recovery, how long you've been involved, if you're new, etc. To kick it off, we can have a couple praise and worship songs, then we can read about step 1, and have it open for sharing. We could start with something simple like that. Do you have the SA White book? If not, you'll want to purchase that, also pick up a copy of the Big Book of AA.

I think what pornhelp means is that online can be a very unsafe place for someone trying to recover from an addiction that more often then not starts online. I have seen members of this group try to "help" others and have attacked them verbally, i have seen members of this group talk about illegal child pornography in a very graphic disturbing ways that had to be reported. I have seen members use way too much detail describing their actions that has caused others to ask them not to use some very triggery words only to be attacked and sadly members have left this group because of it. Heck, I have been attacked myself for offering that the honesty is the best defense in recovery. THere is no debating that there are horrible therapists out there that give dreadful therapy, My husbands was the worse one for that and he is a Christian. So I do understand that too. I also need to say that while my husband battled his addiction secretly for years right before i discovered it he went on a site very similar to this looking for people to reach out to about what he was struggling with and ended up connecting online with a women that too was looking for support and they ended up becoming each others online acting out partners, that led to her divorce and my marriage almost ending ours as well. Online support can be a great place to start but in person connection is the best with a therapist that is certified in sex/porn addiction, a minister or priest, and a 12 step meeting. The danger in getting online help only is that this addiction is based around not having healthy human connections with people in the real world and sometimes may have the exact opposite result. Recovery comes in many forms and this site can be amazing and helpful and daily check ins are a great way to keep grounded and accountable. I can tell you from personal experience that my husband is 5 years sober, no relapses or slips and stayed offline and internet free for 12 months to avoid triggers. I know addicts that have thrown their computer in the river, and those that got rid of their smart phones, cancelled internet, only use their computers when absolutely needed, or only have their accountability partner unlock it. There is something to be said about that.

Hi Candycin,

I'm sorry to hear about verbal attacks that have come up in the past. I can't really speak to those cases. I can say that I've had my mix of sponsors in the past and I had one verbally attack me/shame me but that happens in person as well so I'm unsure how that applies to this site apart from it being an observation that it can happen. If so, point taken. In terms of talking about illegal activity, I'm certainly not advocating for that. I provide below the ground rules for sharing which addresses those kind of concerns. I'm sorry to hear that you were attacked about being honest. Without honesty, I believe it is impossible to recover. This disease is rooted in delusional thinking. I'm very sorry to hear about your situation that your husband got himself into. Men work with men and women with women... that's a very common rule in 12 steps. If people are coming to this site and are trying to work with the opposite sex, then this would be the worst place to act out (with others who are trying to get help). This can happen with in person meetings as well. You're making a good point though, if you're serious about recovery then find it by working with a same sex sponsor and don't treat this site as your main source of recovery.

I agree, this disease is really an intimacy disorder and in person relationships are a main part of the recovery. I'm with you 100% on that. This site is a supplement to me.

I also agree that if you're unable to have accountability on your computer/phone and stay clean then yes you have to get rid of them. In one group I use to go to, we had 90 days no media from any source, including checking our own mail. That really helps to clear out the mind and if you have a sponsor or strong accountability then you can try using the computer again. Each person is different. But in the end if it becomes a temptation that you can't resist then you get rid of it.

It sounds like part of your concern is the "new person" who needs to be broken into recovery. A person who has been in recovery for a while would know what's safe to share, who would be safe to be in accountability with, etc.

I appreciate your need for clarity. I’m not advocating for any of the negative items you have listed in your post. However, since it appears there has been a history of issues coming up on this site I appreciate you pointing out the need for clarity to avoid ambiguity. There are definitely rules in recovery meetings and sharing. Purchasing the book and going by the rules in the book is important but equally if anybody is going to share, do so in a way that doesn’t trigger others. My thinking was, to create a phone meeting where people can conduct a phone meeting following a similar format as a normal 12 step meeting (in fact it would identical to 12 step phone meetings). I’ve joined these types of meetings in the past. Provided the moderator stays in control and is clear on the rules I’ve seen success in these types of meetings. I would think of it as a side dish vs. a main course meal. For example, it’s common in 12 steps group to go to 90 meetings in 90 days. Although you may have a main home group, normally they only meet once a week or two. That’s one way this could be a supplement to a broader recovery program. Regarding the site, the daily sharing should only be ultra high level to avoid triggering others and keeping it safe.

For example,
Today I’m clean & sober for ___ days, I looked at __#__ triggers (in person, online, etc.), took second looks _#___. I have ___#___ resentments. I caused harm to ___ people. I made ___ amends. I read or didn’t read recovery literature for 30 minutes today. I prayed for my enemies and those I have resentment toward.

In an in-person meeting you’d cover at least a couple of these topics and you’d do it in a way (like this) that wouldn’t put others in a triggering situation or take away the safety of the group.

Hopefully that gives some clarity. We’re on the same page

CJ Smith
Mid next week sounds great. The app is made by Life Teen and my username is the same.

Hi Candycin,

I'm only interested in working with other guys online but if females reach out, any idea if there is a female who would like to connect with them?

Hi Mr-Change,

I'm adding the app. I'll also set up a conference bridge so we can join in for the meeting.

In advance, Please send me an email with some background info so I can ensure to pull together something that will resonate and be valuable for you. Here is what I'm needing:

Please share with me how much background you have with recovery, how long you've been involved, if you're new, etc. Do you have the SA White book? If not, when will you have a copy? Also a copy of the Big Book of AA?

Thanks

Mr-Change,

I got the app. It looks pretty cool. I sent you a friend request. Looking forward to connecting.

CJ Smith,
I have accepted your friend request.

I do not have much of abackground with recovery apart from the occasional "Will stop tomorrow " syndrome. It's been going on for 8 years.

SA white book? I sure that there will be a PDF that I can download today together with the Big Book of AA

Hi Mr-Change,

Awesome. I'll be offline for the next 6 days. An interesting exercise that you might enjoy to get started is to read the first chapter of the big book and see how your experience relates to Bill Wilson. Most of us take it for granted that the alcoholic can get clean and sober today. When the Big Book was written, they actually locked them up mental homes because there was no hope for them. Everybody gave up on them... therapists, doctors, pastors, etc. There was no hope for them. Sometimes we can feel helpless and relate to Bill. The more we can clearly understand that of our own power we can't overcome it, the better the chances for recovery. If we could do it on our own power then we wouldn't be seeking help. Our will power fails us although it might be strong in other respects. Check it out and let me know what you think. I'll be back online Tuesday.

any help is help thank you for that ...daily checks in are good for a couple as well...maybe not the same as with another addict in recovery but in the early stages we both needed that daily focused check in ...