First of all, I'm glad you're trying to understand. A lot of people just write us sex addicts off as not worth being involved with.

Which is funny, because most of us, myself included, got INTO using sex as a way to get human contact because we feel like no one would really love us for long. We tend to have rotten self esteem, and figure that since we hate ourselves then everyone else will hate us if they get to know us.

One of my journals here was a copy of a long-ish "sex addiction explained for non addicts" answer I gave a while back. It may help.

http://www.dailystrength.org/people/4097047/journal/11092817

Let me say this. PLEASE don't let yourself think "am I good enough for him." For addicts, it isn't how good the OTHER person is. You are fine, hell you may be perfect for all I know. The problem is that HE doesn't feel good enough for YOU, is probably sure you'll leave as soon as you realize he isn't good enough.

Nothing you do sexually will set off his trigger IMHO. I've never talked to another SA who was triggered by someone they truly cared for, if anything sex with love behind it is the best cure for us.

We almost never enjoy the meaningless sex, porn or whatever. We do it because it's the only way for us to stop feeling worthless for a while. ANY addiction is about people trying to stop feeling like worthless crap as long as we can. The only cure is to learn to stop feeling like worthless crap all the time.

http://www.dailystrength.org/people/4097047/journal/11127581 sort of applies too.

All this is confusing to a non addict. I've helped a few SOs of SAs figure us out before, if I can help you let me know.

To me it feels like you have crossed a line into co-dependency with him. You aren't part of the problem and you cannot control his recovery or addiction. If you feel like you are having a problem with this, perhaps you need to get some counseling and find out how you can building some boundaries in the relationship so you don't become too involved with him as his co-dependent. He needs to be in a healthy relationship if he is in recovery and you need to see your place in his life in a healthy way, not in a co-dependent way.

I get the feeling that you're trying to avoid triggers as though you think you can have control over whether they happen or not.

The truth is, he's going to have triggers. You can't stop that from happening, though you can do things that lessen the frequency of the triggers. Because, frankly, if there WAS a way to keep the triggers from happening, you would only be providing a crutch and making him handicap. Like trying to protect a child from the dangers of the world by keeping him inside all the time. When he eventually gets out to the real world he won't be prepared for anything and will be left for dead by society. The trick is to know what to do when the triggers happen. So I would more worry about providing the support he needs to learn to control his mind to the extent of realizing that caving to his urges is not worth it and that he doesn't really want to do what his hormones are telling his brain. Help train his brain into thinking of better things when the urges happen so it becomes automated later on, becoming a protection

Also, something that you may not want to hear, but is important for his recovery is this:

To be able to re-wire his brain to not need to produce the dopamine it desires by sexual release you'll have to help him avoid being sexually active for at least 90 days. His mind is wired in such a way that his brain tells him it wants feel goods and is immediately linked to finding sexual release in order to get those feel goods. The 90 period will allow that connection to be broken so the brain doesn't think it "needs" the dopamine released by the brain upon sexual release.

I hope my 2 cents is helpful.

Um, I'm having a hard time trying to be clear in my response.

I think educating one's self when choosing to have a relationship with an SA in recovery is vital.

What I'm concerned about is that these questions are kinda person-specific, in a way? I mean, shouldn't these be discussions you are having with your BF?

And this is where I'm feeling uncomfortable with your question. Your question is not stupid; the thing is, part of sex addiction is the intimacy disordered part--that's the relational, not just sexual, intimacy. And sex addicts, unwittingly, do get attracted to mates who will maintain that lack of emotional intimacy and communication. So my concern is, given that you are asking strangers about your BF's potential triggers, is it possible that you have some issues to work on in yourself to make this relationship healthy too?

I'm not negating your desire to educate yourself, or your wish to be on this forums. There are many avenues for educating yourself as well: if he is in recovery, surely he has done a lot of reading. To educate yourself, ask him for literature. Read the white book. Read Carnes--both Patrick and Stephanie. See Barbara Steffens and Linda Hatch's blogs.

So, it seems like what you're suggesting is that you don't feel comfortable with him. You don't trust him. You want to change yourself so that you can interact with him?

I think if it were me and I was looking at a dating relationship with any type of addict I would be looking for someone who has proven track record with recovery and has been working his program for a while and to give you some insight recovery takes three to five years leaning more to the five and is a lifetime commitment meaning it doesn't just go away. Getting into a relationship with a new recovering sex addict seems like a lot of heart break to me. I barely survived it married and what kept me going was my commitment without it I just don't know.