Sex / Pornography Addiction Support Group
Sexual addiction, also sometimes called sexual compulsion, is a form of psychological addiction to sexual intercourse and other sexual behavior.
I know this is off subject for this support group, but as I know many spouses on here from previous posts, I thought I would update on this group.
My divorce is becoming final, which only means it is becoming more real. We finally settled the custody aspect of it Tuesday after four long drawn out months.
I don't hold as much anger toward him as I do hurt and indifference. If it wasn't for our son, I'd have no problem "deleting" him from my life, but instead I get to deal with him for the rest of my life. I do have my moments, sometimes I envision what our life could be like together, and other times I pray that our marriage get restored. But a large part of me has moved forward in a positive direction that I'm okay with dealing with it on my own.
I have found comfort in a support group and becoming involved in church. I love the people that I surround myself with now, but it's all coming to an end here. With the finalization of my divorce I am relocating back to NM in three weeks. With a heavy heart I will have to say good-bye to California.
I still find my anger in the addiction or compulsion of his porn use and I also sometimes feel scared that I will never find a guy that doesn't view pornography. Not that I am looking, but I sometimes become my own worst enemy and think of myself as a prude (not even used in the right context) to a degree. I know that's wrong. I think about the fact that if I had just let my soon to be ex view porn we'd still be together as a family, but I remember it would be an unhappy, broken family. It's like God is testing my right now, I see young couples with babies all the time doing the "we" thing together, and I see series of shows or overhear things about pornography. It's like my ears listen for it and find it.
I've been keeping myself busy with school, I am almost done with my second course into my Masters program, besides my kids, I think that's the only thing that has kept me really sane. Anywho, just wanted to vent. I was having a hard day.
My divorce is becoming final, which only means it is becoming more real. We finally settled the custody aspect of it Tuesday after four long drawn out months.
I don't hold as much anger toward him as I do hurt and indifference. If it wasn't for our son, I'd have no problem "deleting" him from my life, but instead I get to deal with him for the rest of my life. I do have my moments, sometimes I envision what our life could be like together, and other times I pray that our marriage get restored. But a large part of me has moved forward in a positive direction that I'm okay with dealing with it on my own.
I have found comfort in a support group and becoming involved in church. I love the people that I surround myself with now, but it's all coming to an end here. With the finalization of my divorce I am relocating back to NM in three weeks. With a heavy heart I will have to say good-bye to California.
I still find my anger in the addiction or compulsion of his porn use and I also sometimes feel scared that I will never find a guy that doesn't view pornography. Not that I am looking, but I sometimes become my own worst enemy and think of myself as a prude (not even used in the right context) to a degree. I know that's wrong. I think about the fact that if I had just let my soon to be ex view porn we'd still be together as a family, but I remember it would be an unhappy, broken family. It's like God is testing my right now, I see young couples with babies all the time doing the "we" thing together, and I see series of shows or overhear things about pornography. It's like my ears listen for it and find it.
I've been keeping myself busy with school, I am almost done with my second course into my Masters program, besides my kids, I think that's the only thing that has kept me really sane. Anywho, just wanted to vent. I was having a hard day.
You cannot change the past; all you can do is learn from it.
You sound like you are doing all the things you need to do in order to move forward. In New Mexico, hopefully you can continue along this journey by building more support, making new friends and continue growing.
In time, you will stop obsessing about the past and "what if". You made the right decision and he made his choice too. When porn becomes the priorty, then you are not the only one who is less of a priority, so are your children.
When you are ready to meet someone new, allow your inner voice to guide you. You will know what is right for you and what isn't and when something isn't right, then do what is always best for you, because ultimately it is best for your children too.
The anger will be there for a while, but it will not say as you move away towards a healthy life.
Let me assure you that wanting to have a healthy sex life does not make you a prude, just someone healthy, so much of our sex lives has been perverted by porn that we tend to think that wanting to be healthy is a bad thing, not in the least.
I think I mentioned this to you before, but if I did not, I will repeat it here, the reason why you are seeing so much about porn is because as you said, you are looking for it, not intentionally but it is there. Perhaps, moving away from those thoughts may also help you.
It is true that you may still be raw at the bit after the dissolution of your marriage but in time, you will see it was a wise decision given the circumstances.
I do not think God is so much testing you but I think of it as God showing you that you made the right choice here, we really do not know if those happy couples are truly happy, do we? Considering porn has invaded every aspect of our lives, what are the chances you think, those young couples are truly happy? Given the fact that Josh Duggar just confessed that he did seek those not so ethical extra marital services, I think it may not be as great as you think.
But more to the point, I remember when i broke up (I know it is not that same as a marriage) with my cheating ex, I did go through that, envy phase and looking for fault in my own life, it is normal to go through these "what if" but I learned something very valuable a while ago that you may find useful: Never put a question mark where God has put a period. In other words, if it was not mean to happen, it would not have.
I learned that every devastating experience led me to bigger and better things. Yes, things do not look great right now, but my grandfather said once: "You can only look at one part of the painting at a time, you cannot look at the whole thing because if you did, it would not be as exciting." He was right, so I learned to look at these awful events as a great opportunity and it indeed led me to greater and neater things.
Hugs,
Wolf
I am relieved to hear that you are moving forward. Eventually his moving to the same city will no longer matter to you.
One thing I did want to mention about your comment that sometimes you tried to hard to keep it together and eventually you pushed him away. Let me assure you, it was the addiction or rather him choosing the addiction above all else that killed your marriage.There was nothing you could have done under the circumstances.
In this society women are taught that if a marriage does not work, it has to be the woman's fault, even if the husband strays, I think that is pure rubbish since it takes two to make a marriage.
More to the point, blame gets us nowhere, taking responsibility is a more powerful move, you took your responsiblities seriously and went beyond them to keep your marriage together, rest assured you did far more than was required of you.
Now your future looks much more promising than if you had stayed.
Hope this helps,
Wolf (sober 5 years)
You did nothing wrong. You didn't try too hard or hard enough. You simply had no control over his behavior.
This is very painful and traumatic for spouses. Even in divorce, there is no moving forward without healing and healing happens in layers.
Your heart will heal, but picture it healing in layers from the outside in. The core of your heart ache will probably be the last to heal.
In the meantime, take very good care of yourself. Hugs!
And to note, I think that has been hardest part of this all, is that I took my vows very seriously and even with the heartache I wanted it to work. I would have stuck around forever if he would be there too (that being then). I was his second marriage, so it seems he is the common denominator. I have officially moved and he does not move here for another month. So settling in is quite nice right now. Thanks again.
Thanks again!