Hi everyone.  I am new to this site.  I found it by doing some searches for support groups for Porn addiction.  I have been addicted to pornography material, and compulsive thinking and masturbation since I was a teenager maybe even earlier.  It started with playboy magazines, then woman fashion catalogs and magazines, and then I found the internet once that was available. It was always my dark secret that no one ever knew about.  I was always focused on compulsive thinking and fantasies associated with force fantasies. I do not want to be triggering for anyone I just wanted to share my struggles with a particular fetish and compulsive thoughts that have controlled my sexuality for the majority of my life.  I currently am 45 years old. About 3-4 years ago I finally recognized that my sexual problems were the result of my addiction and was able to share parts of my challenges with a counselor, my wife, and my sibling. At that time, I found the Mindful Habit Program which was fairly helpful for awhile.  Given the help with the program and a coach I was able to stop looking at porn for about a year, however I continued to masturbate to fantasy and continued to have compulsive thinking around my forced fantasies. As time went on I continued to masterbate and found different ways to find my fantasy needs (facebook pics, ogling woman, and google images).   I had covenant eyes so I was able to block my computer, but discovered that Google images were not filtered by covenant eyes. This soon led to discovering videos that were not picked up by the filter, and then ultimately back to very graphic free videos and phone apps. I found myself right back to the anxiety, guilt, shame, and incomplete cycle of the porn addiction.  Given the support of a counselor I had been working with I was able to be honest and transparent about my struggles. At this time, I also found PornFree Radio podcasts which really spoke to me about my challenges. PornFree Radio helped me recognize that even though I was not looking at Porn during that time of recovery, I was continuing to edge and find ways to continue to think and act out my fantasy and continue the addiction.  It has been about two weeks and I have decided that I can no longer just masturbate to my fantasies and not look at porn. I told myself that this was okay, but the truth is that it continues to maintain my addiction and move me closer to porn. I am sitting in my house all alone right now and am resisting the urge to look at porn. I am trying very hard to change and I am hoping that the sharing and community of this group will add to my support plan to move and continue toward my recovery.  I am feeling hopeful, but nervous that I will go back. Sorry so long. Thanks for reading.