Enduring,

Before I continue, I would like to request that you get a new councelor. If anything, his councelor is doing him and your relationship more harm than good.

No, it is not okay for him to be looking at soft core photos. He should have CUT that out entirely! How is he recovering if he's looking at half naked women? How is that progressing at all?

The vert fact that he is looking at these photos is fueling his addictive behaviour. Being in recovery from sex/porn addiction, you have to cut every thing that points to sex out.

Looking at soft core photos is not a slip up, that is a relapse. The very fact that he went out of his way to get these images is not a slip up.

Okay, for example...you get a cigarette smoker that had quit but thinks having a little puff between his lunch breaks still means he has quit smoking them. Doesn't make sense does it? He obviously still smokes cigarettes and is addicted to them. See where I am getting at?

You say you have low self esteem and any wonder if he is doing this to you. Your man looking at other air-brushed naked women isn't going to make you feel like you're ontop of the world is it?

You said you just had a baby recently. Right now, you need your man to give you as much attention as he should for giving brith to his child. Instead, he is giving his fantasy attention and that is not good.

None of this is your fault and what you have just said is 100% right. He should NOT being doing any of this and I would seriously advise you to get rid of this so-called councelor.


Instead, go onto http://yourbrainonporn.com/. That site is brilliant. Have a read and get your partner to have a read of it too. These are facts, stories from other sex/porn addicts and pointers on how to recover.

See the book on the right? With the x-ray of a man's brain? Get that book and have your husband read it. It is very good and maybe while you're at it, buy one for your husband's councelor so he can do his job better.

Have a look at the 12 step programme and the 90 day re-boot.

90 day re-boot- no masturbating, no porn, no sex, no nothing for 90 days. It gives the brain enough time to heal, in order for a better recovery.

I am so sorry you're going through this right now. Espesically having a little baby. You need all the love and security in the world, but you're getting the oppisite.

Please be kind to yourself. These women are a fantasy. They're air-brushed. I havent met anyone that looked like these people in real life. We all have imperfections and that is what makes us unique. Do not feel insecure against these people that look like they just came out of a factory.

If you ever need to talk ANYTIME, please do not be afraid to mail me. I am here to help and to listen.

Take care,

Ardara

Enduring,

In addition to the wonderful advice Ardara gave you I would like the add my own from the perspective of a former addict who has been sober for 5 years.

1) I agree that those compromising photos will be more harmful than helpful because it can easily escalate once the newness wears off.

2) I also agree that he should not only change counselors but l also find one that will demand more from him in the sense of accountability

3) Also, while I understand that the baby may be a stressor in his current life situation, the slip happened because he did not have an air tight plan to address triggers to begin with in which case he needs to revise it. More to the point, it seems like he simply stopped the addictive behavior and little else, and if he had had a plan in place, he would have also included a non negotiable no slip/no relapse clause built in.

4) Actually, he is a grown man therefore his slip is not only his problem but also his responsibility. To help you regain your self esteem, his addiction has nothing to do with you, it was not caused by something that you did or did not do. It has everything to do with him and his inability to get complete control of his life and his lack of impulse control with an inability to deal with unwanted emotions.

5) Just so you know, I am actually fond of extending the 90 day reboots as often as they are needed, to make certain that the brain has rebooted properly. Otherwise it will have to be extended, I personally had to reboot it close to 2 years in order to see the desired results and with a complete life overhaul I have been able to live addiction free

Hope this helps and if you have any questions, please let me know,
Wolf

Im kind of shocked that his counselor doesn't see an issue with this. Is his counselor a CSAT?? Only a counselor who is certified in sex addiction should be treating this addiction.
If your husband was an alcoholic would it be okay for him to let's say have one light beer every now and then??
Addicts need to understand why they need to look at porn of any kind.
His counselor should be asking him what triggered it and then teaching him how to cope in ways that are healthy and not leading him right back into his addiction.
If he isn't in a 12 step program as well, he probably should be.
I feel bad for you because I know how you feel. Please work on setting boundaries for yourself with him and consequences you can live with.
Your boundaries not only help yourself to maintain a good value system in your marriage, but it will also help him as well.

Another thought here. Did you actually speak with his counselor? If not, then please go ahead and make that phone call. Your husband may not be telling you the truth otherwise so verify his counselor's response with the counselor and then make your feelings be known to him or her.

I have known even trained CSATs to give advice like this to addicts in the early stages of recovery.it's called risk reduction and it is never successful. The thought is if you give your brain a little bit of the drug,in this case half naked pictures, then you won't crave the big stuff. It has proven not to work and leads the addict into more cravings and relapses. I would ask to meet with your husband's therapist with him there and ask this questions in front of your husband. My husband at over 2 years sober still closes his eyes at commercials that have any content that would be deemed sexualizing women. His thought is keeping his eyes pure keeps his mind pure.

As a former addict, I agree with everyone above that this is not healthy behavior. Really, once you start looking at photos of women with the intention of arousing lust, it doesn't matter what she has on, especially if you have a history of looking at pornography. Your brain will do exactly the same thing with the image either way, and you'll be feeding the same appetite.

I had to learn to look at women with entirely new eyes in my recovery. I no longer avert my eyes from every beautiful woman who comes on TV, but I am careful about HOW I look at her, and I do avert my eyes if she is displayed in a deliberately provocative manner -- Carl's Jr. or Victoria's Secret commercials, for example.

It might be worth asking how he'd feel if you were looking at arousing images of men; I don't know. The thought of my wife doing that would bother me, but some guys will say they wouldn't care.

I think it also goes back to the marital vow of forsaking all others. If I turn to other women for sexual gratification, even just in my mind, I am not forsaking all others.

So when I confronted him about the pictures. He seriously did not see a problem with it. After denying it and acting all innocent until I pulled it up on his phones history, his exact words were "I probably shouldn't have clicked on the link, but the pictures weren't that bad." Are you foreals? I'm furious rightnow. I gave him the same example that Shanna mentioned and he had no real rebuttal. I just don't know what to say at this point. I talked to him about the 90 day reboot. But he doesn't see anything wrong with what he did, so sees no point in it.

Enduring, get some support to help you maintain boundaries and consequences. He should have a block in his phone, computers etc that will even block him from what he deems innocent.
He has clearly relapsed just based on his attitude.
You do not have to put up with the behavior.
I do believe people can change, but they have to want to change. They have to be motivated and they have to see the value in recovery.
Ask your partner to look at this website. He really needs to understand why he is hooked.

www.yourbrainonporn.com