I would say take one thing at a time that being his trip to Florida.

It would be wise of him to check in with you on a regular basis during the day. Connection and communication are very important so work on that with him. Even a simple text is better than not knowing what he is doing. It will allow you to have some control if you make this a boundary with his understanding that he needs to follow it.

Try to see the week away as an opportunity for you to work on yourself. I highly recommend meditation. It helped me a lot especially in the beginning.

Alexis: You posed a question, "Does anyone feel that maybe it is possible that he's not addicted to porn or has no issues with porn? Like is there a slight possibility." I feel like this: If he is not diagnosed with a porn addiction, and he has no issues with porn, where does that leave you? Your emotions are important, aren't they? Does the fact that he knows that behavior is disturbing you, and creating fear, distance, and conflict in your marriage create problems? Whether or not he is by definition an addict may not be the crux of the problem? But, the fact that he is ignoring the damage to your feelings within the relationship is a problem.

@shanas1254 Thank you for your advice I think I will take that up. I have always said I would maybe now is the perfect time :).

@Learningskills Right! And I agree! I don't focus on the addict part, but I will say that I personally feel that him having an addiction to this would be more easy to accept (not quite the term or word I would use) than him just being completely inconsiderate of my feelings. He says he is sorry I get that, he says he wishes he could take it back I appreciate that but then he uses things like that I am just a really insecure person. And that just adds fuel to the fire because I am not trying to sound to petty or be so insecure that I walk around like a broken egg. I grew up with issues that I wasn't allowed to feel insecure so I am sure this is why this all plays out and really hits the core of my being. I don't need someone especially my husband to tell me "geez you're just such an insecure person and as I'm sure this didn't help, you had a lot of insecurities coming into this relationship." That hurt, and even still I don't care what other's think but thats what makes me keep it to myself also. So if he's just being compulsive that I think would be harder to accept in a sense.

Alexis: You shared your thoughts, "I don't focus on the addict part, but I will say that I personally feel that him having an addiction to this would be more easy to accept (not quite the term or word I would use) than him just being completely inconsiderate of my feelings.

I suppose some do feel that it's easier to accept this kind of behavior if it can be attributed to something that appears to be automated and fully out of control. Thing for me personally is that even if the behavior itself is somewhat out of control, the associated lying and emotional abuse may well not tolerable. Sometimes easier isn't necessarily better? Or isn't for me anyway. Everyone is unique in their attributions.

I thought about that a lot myself. I came to the conclusion that the result for me is still the same. Whether or not my H trained himself to be insensitive to those he claims to love, the insensitivity still bears immediate results.

Like, maybe I know that inclement weather, like a lightening storm, is a natural occurrence, I'm still likely to be injured if I stand out in it. So, I'm not likely to do that. I'll take shelter. I feel like it wouldn't do me a lot of good to stand out in it and feel frustrated with the fact that it's mighty uncomfortable. I think it would serve me better to take shelter. And, I feel the same way pretty much about my Hs behavior. It may well be a natural occurrence for him, but it is very damaging to me, so, I take shelter.

You shared this too, "He says he is sorry I get that, he says he wishes he could take it back I appreciate that but then he uses things like that I am just a really insecure person."

It sounds to me like though he "says" he is sorry, he blames you because you don't feel good about what "he" is choosing to do? I suppose he thinks that no one else ever feels bad in regard to their mate seeking out others? I think it is far more likely, and statistically supportable, that the majority of people do not feel good about their mate seeking out others.

And, I'm not real sure what insecurity has to do with marital vows? I think that marital vows are fairly clear? Who would marry at all if there are no boundaries in marriage? To what end? I have to think that entering marriage does have some clearly defined boundaries? And, yet, it seems, that he feels he should have none? And, if you insist on the boundaries of marriage being honored, he suggests that you are insecure. That makes no sense at all to me. So, what is marriage to him exactly then? Can he define what that means? Did he know what that meant when he took the vows? Or, do they not matter to him at all?

I mean, there are lots of boundaries in the world, in place for safety? For instance, there are "stop" signs all over the place when I'm driving. So, if I just decide to run those stop signs because it isn't convenient at this time for me to stop, does the possible injury to others mean that they are insecure? Or, does it mean that I am not concerned about their safety?

You said, " just adds fuel to the fire because I am not trying to sound to petty or be so insecure that I walk around like a broken egg..... I don't need someone especially my husband to tell me "geez you're just such an insecure person and as I'm sure this didn't help, you had a lot of insecurities coming into this relationship."

Who on this Earth does need their husband to suggest that relationship security should be nonexistent? Isn't part of the marriage agreement that each partner is to feel secure in the relationship? I have a bit of difficulty imagining what woman would ever enter into a relationship with a man who has no intention of practicing fidelity. There are so many reasons for that it would take a book to discuss them.

On one wee level of it, I can't imagine that "I" would enter into an agreement like that...where I bring children into the world that I will remain responsible for...and...that he can just do as he wishes and risk the security of the family? Why would anyone do that? Would he do that? If so, why? I'd love to know.

You shared your feelings, "That hurt, and even still I don't care what other's think but thats what makes me keep it to myself also. So if he's just being compulsive that I think would be harder to accept in a sense. "

I understand that hurt. Of course it would hurt. I heard much the same, and it hurt. But, I'm not willing to keep it to myself...at all. I feel like how I "feel" "is" the quality of my life. So, if I don't "feel" good, my life isn't very good. And, I'm not likely to reduce the quality of my life because he says so. I suggested to my H that if there is no reason for fidelity in the marriage for him, then, there is also no reason for fidelity in the marriage for me. And, if both are true, then in my estimation there is no marriage at all. And, what is the point of the relationship then? None that I could see?

My H once said to me "you're just jealous." He said that like it's a bad thing? Though, I'm not so sure that's what I felt, even if I did feel like that, why is it a bad thing? I think if someone values their relationship, they might like to keep it? I can say this as a factual statement that "he" "is" jealous himself. So, the stone he cast at me is really not a stone at all, but a boomerang. He doesn't like it a bit when guys flirt with me. Why? I mean, does that indicate that "he" is insecure. Does it mean that "he" might have some boundaries when it comes to what "I" do? I assure you he does. So, his nonsense didn't fly, and it doesn't fly.

I feel like anyone who suggests that they have no insecurities may well need to look in to NPD? I think that everyone is a wee bit insecure about something? No one is perfect. No one is the absolute end all "I'm all that." What kind of attitude is that?

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Learningskills,
Thank you for your writing! I totally hear what you are saying (or writing). I agree wholeheartedly with you. There has been some recent events that have really shed some light on the situation. By shelter do you mean that you do what you need to do in order to protect yourself like detaching from him and the situation at the time or bringing it to his attention?

About the children aspect, I'd have never stuck around if I had known this was how it would be or I'd end up dealing with this. To be honest a part of me believes he only married me because I was pregnant. WE had spoken about marriage during our courtship but two months before he proposed he apparently spoke with his mother about not being so sure about us (this I over heard in a conversation a month later after we broke the news of expecting). I had no idea. I of course went forth with the pregnancy as I would have even alone. And a month after finding out we were expecting he proposed and we were married rather quickly (3 weeks later) with intentions of having a ceremony with family and friends this year in December at our one year anniversary... but I am not kidding you or trying to make this work in my favor, but approximately two weeks after we married- everything, I mean EVERYTHING spiraled downhill.

That was the first time I really started to question us and my marriage and his motives for it. I have not been able to live that down... since then it has really been an uphill struggle and one of the biggest things that really changed was his respect for me and sexual intimacy. It is definitely not an ideal situation for my babies. Had I known I would have remained a single mother. He didn't feel the need to tell me this- which is what he told our counselor the other day too. Sometimes I wish I could disappear. And I have found myself wondering why God chose me to be these babies mama- I feel like I have failed them. Thanks again for your words!

Alexis: You posed a question to me: By shelter do you mean that you do what you need to do in order to protect yourself like detaching from him and the situation at the time or bringing it to his attention?

In my case, I felt the need to do several immediate things. I felt the need, and did whatever I felt was necessary to protect myself from harm, both physically and emotionally, I felt the need and learned to substantially detach myself from his behaviors, and I brought my feelings to his attention as well. I felt the need for protection because I was being harmed. I felt the need for detachment because I was emotionally in upheaval. I felt the need for honesty, so I offered it. I felt the need to be sure that I had exposed who I really am, how I really feel, what I really want, and what I really need.

I think that may be the crux of to thine own self be true. I felt that at that point my cards were clearly exposed on the table. In that way, I felt better that I had done what I could do to offer a chance that he might hear my needs (if he was unaware of them) and meet his end of them (if he cared about my needs at all). And, if he didnt choose to do that once he was fully aware of the real impact on me, though he knew the depth of my true feelings on the subject matter, then I would know that he did not have my interests at heart.

And, if I had determined that he did not have my interests at heart, I would know without doubt that I dont want to live in the confines of a relationship where my feelings are unimportant. It seemed so vulnerable at the time to reveal my inner most feelings to an insensitive, thoughtless person. But, I came to understand that I am vulnerable to no one reallyas long as I am honest about my feelings.

He could not ever make the decision about what I am willing to live with. Only I can do that. And, once I have told my truth, and offered him an opportunity for positive input, I could make an informed decision about the future of my life.

His behavior, what he actually did, from that point forward determined what my actions were. If he behaved in ways that indicated lack of care, disrespect, or attempted manipulation, I acted on my behalf with that in mind.

You shared, To be honest a part of me believes he only married me because I was pregnant. Maybe this is a good time to seek his reasons for marriage, what he believes marriage to be, and his level of commitment to marriage. In addition, you need to seek within yourself for your reasons for marriage, what you believe marriage to be, and your level of commitment to marriage. If your understanding and beliefs about marriage do not agree, then there is that to deal with.

But, first, do you know what it is he believes marriage to be? I needed to know that given my Hs secrets. I needed to know what he thought marriage is. I found that there were some differences in our beliefs and needs in regard to marriage. And, once I knew that, I needed to talk to him about what I need at the very least, to remain in the relationship. He could then determine if he was able or willing to provide what I need of a husband. And, visa versa was true too. I needed for him to define what he needed of marriage, and whether or not I was able or willing to provide. At that point, then, either we could move forward together, knowing the goal, or apart, knowing the goal.

You shared, Sometimes I wish I could disappear. And I have found myself wondering why God chose me to be these babies mama- I feel like I have failed them.

Surely, you might fail them by disappearing, but you havent disappeared. Just because he doesnt do what seems good as a father, in no way reflects on what you do as a mother. I came to realize that God allows each individual person the free will to determine their life path. And, sometimes, their choices are not very good for others. But, I am not responsible for what they choose to do. And,, I can choose to do what feels right in my heart of hearts..and that is the only behavior I am responsible for. So, you are a momand you get to choose what you do as a mom. Your babies do need you. And, Im sure youll search yourself for what is in their best interests. That is all we get to do as moms. We cant be dads.

@Learningskills Thank you for great insight. I am working on myself to be there for my babies but gosh is it hard, and scary at times. I guess I feel worse about it in the sense that I chose this man and then now our relationship (whatever you would call it) is so unstable. I don't even know what we are any more.

Last night at our session, we spoke on marriage because I brought it up, it is something very bothersome to me I just question our whole relationship and AT THIS MOMENT I guess it's so fresh still because I do not believe what he says. And he's been real straight faced (which is who he is) but it's hard to tell if he really feels what he feels and I in no way and trying to determine his feelings- my point is I don't really believe what he says.

He seemed to agree with me on my image of marriage when I spoke to the counselor about it. I told her I wish we had discussed what our image of it was before we decided to get married and that was when it all came out. Somewhat in depth. And he just said he agreed with me and said that if he didn't want to work on the marriage he wouldn't be there- however again it's hard to believe. He's a good man and he doesn't want to follow in his father's footsteps so he wants to be in his son's life and I think that is what holds him "there".

Well, going to the therapy is a step to show some commitment. And it may, over time, bring to light how his choices are not healthy for this marriage, and then he will have to decide, more consciously, whether or not he is going to continue to engage in this behaviour.

Get good support for yourself. See if you can find an actual support group to go to it will help alot in the beginning. I found an awesome one through our church that was great. Some of the first things I think are helpful is like I said getting your support together, then creating a safety plan (you can find them at domestic violence places like YWCA etc) just something that lays out finances, where to live, etc. etc. Doesn't mean you are leaving the marriage but it does empower you that if his choices result in you having to leave you have a plan already. Maybe while he is gone focus on these things. I also came up with boundaries when I discovered. Mine were you have so many days to schedule a counseling appointment, I had my husband write me a letter explaining why he wanted to keep the marriage probably a few more things but essentially if he wasn't willing to get help and see a counselor of his own (not marriage counseling) than we would be separating (not divorcing) until such time as he was willing to do those things. A very helpful technique for counseling is to have him do a full disclosure to his therapist followed by a polygraph. This may seem pretty harsh but sex addicts are very versed liars and it is helpful to be sure that everything is out before beginning counseling. It can help you also know there isn't anything else. This is something a counselor who has experience with sa can bring up. There are alot of not well informed counselors out there that can do great damage in these situations so be very careful you are dealing with ones who are experienced with sex addiction and are pro marriage.