Sex / Pornography Addiction Support Group
Sexual addiction, also sometimes called sexual compulsion, is a form of psychological addiction to sexual intercourse and other sexual behavior.
Came across the movie on TV last night and watched it for the 100th time. I love the premise of seeing the soul of a person instead of the look of them. This used to infuriate me about the stbx (soon to be ex). I never understood how he could ogle a celebrity or any woman for that matter that was such an utter bimbo. I think were all shallow at some point in our lives, but for me seeing inside a person shows their real beauty insert clich here. Ive met people that were so physically attractive and been turned off as soon as they open their mouths. I also know people that probably arent considered physically attractive but I find them beautiful. Is it a safe assumption to make that an addict could care less about the object of their desire as long as the object is pleasing to the eye?
I would venture to say that your question is a double edge sword, actually because it carries the implication that not only is an object but the object is then broken down in body parts.
Here I am divulging info I am not proud of but when in the throes of the addiction, I fully displayed it and it was my frustration whenever I would watch a salacious scene I would always fast forward to the genitals because I was not interested in seeing faces, who needs that, let's get real folks. It's a distraction, you know? As I said, not something to be proud of but as a marker for you to see porn's effect on the brain after habitual use.
But this shows you exactly what porn does to the mind, it totally erases one's humanity, you are not even an object, you are simply a body part. How many times have I heard the "Look at the (body part here) on that one." You are reduced to a thing, and further diminished as a body part.
So now whenever a woman tries to bring some body part to my attention in the hopes it gets my full attention, I simply cringe and walk away, I find it truly distasteful now, but I had to recover and be sober for a while to see the huge mistake in my thinking.
I do not think we are all shallow, I think most of us because of peer pressure and societal influence, we choose to be shallow which to me is even worse.
Recently a friend of mine sent me a clip of a female senator giving a very eloquent and darn apt speech as she was confronting the Speaker of the House of that country. Her words were perfect, her passion and love for her country and the people was a sight to see and hear, that kind of passion mixed with intelligence is rare, anyhoo... so he asked me what I though of the clip and I told him that if I could find a woman like that I'd be a happy puppy.
Then he made the comment that it was because she was hot, I told him, not fast there buckaroo. That she was attractive because of who she is, how she is, what she says and not because of how she looks. Sure, she'd be easy on the eyes, but unless she opens her mouth and shows me the fire that lies in her soul, she not get prizes at my fair, far sure.
But that could only have happened after the recovery before that I led a very pathetic and empty life and that I will readily admit. Now I know better, indeed. Just so you know, I never thought much of Angelina Jolie until she started looking at the world around her and doing about it, at the time.
Hugs,
Wolf
It might not be a safe assumption to think that. My experience 180's wolfie's completely, I always had wanted to see eyes and faces. I liked seeing the human desire and willingness to have sex and the neediness of it all. If what I had wanted to dream about didn't have those elements then I wasn't interested. Clearly though I did used whom I saw as objects, If that helps....
But you weren't talking about me anyway.
So it does indeed seem safe to assume an addict is going to get it twisted around like that. The thing is, everthing is always so Top Secret with this crap that the addict isn't even in on the secret. And then sometimes I get tired of everything being blamed on the addiction and I think you're working this same thing too, I think you're going to nail it.
This is funny: you ask the questions and we learn from the questions. Hmmm.....thank you
Now as far as beauty and physical attractiveness go I think they mix in very complicated and interesting ways. For me, I break it down like this.
I think the overall category is attractiveness. How attracted you are to that person. And their are two subcategories to attractiveness: Beauty and "hotness"(for lack of a better term). I think each category is processed by different parts of our brains too. The raw physical hotness factor is processed by our old brain. The "lizard brain" so to speak. And the beauty aspect is processed by the more evolved parts of our brain. Those two subcategories interact to provide for an overall attractiveness to a person.
The interaction between hotness and beauty I find very interesting. I think beauty trumps the hotness in many cases and to such a degree that if you find a persons character to be distasteful they can lose a lot of physical attraction in your eyes. I don't find that to be the case in reverse. I never met someone so hot that it would make them overall attractive to me if I found them to have an ugly personality. However, I do think there are limits to how much beauty can influence hotness. I think a partner should have a baseline physical attractiveness for the relationship to be sucessful. But the beauty aspect is by far the most important part. It's not even close to being equal parts in determining overall attractiveness.
You really do write good topics Kelly. Can I say? I told yo
This topic wont stop cooking in my head. Its probably because its been rich in work for me and I have more answers now than I did even yesterday.
My newest thoughts on the escalation of sex addiction are this. At the rate I had been going I would have ended up in the arms and legs of another woman as sure as anything. In fact: even though it didnt happen; emotionally and mentally it was a done deal. I just kind of needed to go back and acknowledge that.
I had some needed dejavu with this. I hear thats been going around a lot.
SheenRe
You had asked me to tell you more about the internal compass . Yehit was you, all write, reply #8. Youre going have to be more careful about the little things you say, its so odd sometimes that they can help the most. Ha! Got yaUnless of course it was just a test to see if........
Interesting to me the sharing of concepts here. I did talk to my h at length...likely ad nauseaum...about the "reasoning" invloved, or simple interest. Ha! And, he shared some of each of these responses. Body parts....yep. Already knew that...perhaps not the extent. Interest in observing a female desire. Uh-huh. (created some real problems for me in the now...I feel very self-conscious and can't quite relax being 'observed" now...yuck) Interest in simple attractiveness too. Typical. No surprises there.
Ah geeeeeezzzzz...what a mess! I wonder if I'll "ever" come to grips with the after affects...for me. Changes so many perceptions. Removes any "taken for granteds." I can accept it on a strictly intellectual level. Very high intellectual IQ....so I'm told. Seemingly quite low "emotional intelligence." So, I've also been told. HA! I can state what "is" very well. I can intellectually accept what "i"s very well. Which works quite well on day-to-day interactions. On a "strictly" intellectual level of course.
But sexually, uh-huh. Messed that up for me almost entirely. And, to date, I see no way to resolve that. So, though in ways, we are more "conversationally" intimate, "I" don't feel very sexually intimate at all. The "stuff" of his interest, realllllly messed up mine. We are soooo different. And, though I intellectually get it, actually got it long before this, it didn't quite fix the intimacy that "I" had felt...uh-oh!
Though...I can say...that when I was "very" young, like the age of black and white tv (ha!), I was seriously inept and shallow. Didn't know that at the time. If my brain was a puddle, it would have been so shallow that had you walked in it your toenails would have remained dry. HA. For real! Seems that's all I ever heard...what is attractive...who "looks" sexy, etc. My "presentation" seemed the extent of my worth as a woman. Wow....boring! I found there may well be a lot of that, and nothing inside that nice package. So, I learned, far too slowly, that what's inside that package is "far" more important than the glitter sprinkled on.
I realized the problem, and turned to fixing up my insides. Education. Better values. Self work. Learning to respect me...for other than my physical attributes. Building a worthy person from the inside out. A real job! HA! And, I built a reliable, trustworthy, considerate, thoughtful, caring human being. I was quite proud of the "overtime" work. HA! Only to find that it mattered to only "me." Not that that's a bad thing. Truly, it's all that really matters.
But, I was quite put out to find that while "I" was doing all of that work to become an honorable and valuable human being, my h had been centered on body parts. Seemed at first like I had worked on the wrong thing, if his estimation of me was the goal (really wasn't...but it mattered).
In fact, I remember shortly after D-day his asking me a question "why don't you take some pride in yourself?" How enlightening that simple question was. A word implies a thousand pictures? It meant, of course, that he failed to see what "I" had been working on. Years of dedication to education and self-betterment. Had I been wearing pink high-heels, fluffing my hair, and batting my horrifically made up eyelashes, he wouldn't have asked that question. Hilarious...in retrospect!
So, being who I am, I had to ask him virtually the same question, more or less. And...what is it that "you" have to be proud of exactly? I can provide you with a list of my values and accomplishments. There are many. And yours? I reminded him that "I" did maintain some pride in honesty, integrity, kindness, caring, thoughtfullness, willingness to negotiate, cooperation, respect....an on. And, so what is it that he takes pride in? I'm willing to listen and share. His face turned the most revealing shade of pink...though not the color of those imaginary shoes?
Kelly, fyi, I was offered a modeling career at eighteen. I was offered movie parts before twenty. Though, I accepted neither. I was far too shy...and my dad would have been ashamed of me had I accepted. Whateve.... So, though I really have a keen distaste for vanity, I was offered a whole lot of feedback on my physical attributes...ad nauseum. Yeah! Blah!
Likely, when my H asked me that question, he didn't realize how very little that mattered to me. I was surprised too though. I know that I'm not unattractive on a strictly physical level. But, it was shocking to realize that was "all" he saw, and really not even that. Tooooo funny! Perhaps had I accepted the modeling career, he would have found me more attractive, for simply the celebrity of it all? Not likely. Christie Brinkley didn't even fare well there. Nor Sandra Bullock....and on...and on.
What the?