Okay. So this is very personal and uncomfortable for me and I'm not sure how to address this............
When I was 15 I was raped. I lost my virginity at 18. I am 24 now. Since then I have had quite a few partners but have never, ever had an orgasm. I am able to give myself one whenever I want and porn has helped me a lot. Why can't I have an orgasm? Is it because I have been watching porn and my mind has connected orgasms to that act?
Or is it because I am just terrified of that vulnerability with someone else and can only experience it when I am alone?
I dont even know what an orgasm through sex feels like or should feel like and that scares me a lot. Sometimes I feel as though it may happen but I panic and I think it just goes away immediately.
I think I am terrified of feeling vulnerable. I dont know what is going to happen and the unknown...while someone is there with me...is a scary thing. Does anyone have any advice for me?
I dont know if subconsciously what I went through when I was 15 could be playing into all of this. I feel like mentally I have accepted what has happened to me despite how confusing and painful it was at the time.......
Maybe I am feeling mixtures of disgust and pleasure when it comes to sex because of what happened to me?
Oy. How can I get past this?
Maybe someone can talk me through their experiences when they first orgasmed with a male and maybe I wont feel so scared and intimidated? Thank you all so much