Hi everyone, so uh… as is to be expected from my being here, I might have a porn addiction. Now, I suspect most of you will take that ‘might’ to mean I definitely do and I’m just in denial. And, hey, maybe that’s exactly what’s going on, but one way or another, I have some questions and misgivings I’d like to voice before I fully commit to fully quitting or anything like it.

On one level, I almost certainly need to change my porn habits to some extent. I’ve heard a lot about some of the abuse and exploitation that happens in the production of a lot of porn, and it is far past time I stop supporting it in any way. And even if there is such a thing as ethical porn out there, I definitely use porn in general as a way to escape far too often.

At the same time, though, despite my having thought things along these lines for a long time now, I have been averse to anti porn communities of any sort. See, for about as long as I can remember, I’ve had some serious issues with sexual shame. I tend to feel this profound sense of guilt alongside most any sort of physical attraction, much –though certainly not all- of which I think is rooted in my conservative Christian upbringing. And, well, I guess I tend to associate anti-porn communities with that same sort of conservatism that has given me so much grief (I'm a straight, cisgender man, for context).

To put it another way, I have this intensely internalized general feeling of sex negativity, and as much as I know I need to change my habits to some degree, I find myself averse to seeking help there because I more or less expect that anyone who would try to do so would ultimately just reinforce those exact feelings.

Another, perhaps more crass concern is that I don’t entirely want to give up porn, not completely. It’s the only sexual outlet I’ve ever had, so although it’s clear that there is a lot wrong with the industry, I want to believe there are some forms of it out there that I can ethically consume. And while some of my current habits are perhaps personally harmful, maybe there’s some way I can seek to moderate them rather than cut them off completely. Because I’ve tried to cut it out completely, and I haven’t been able to. The longer I go, the more I start driving myself up the wall. Maybe that’s addiction and all the more reason to cut it out, or maybe I just have a naturally high sex drive, and trying to shut that part of me down just won’t work.

Or, maybe all that is just rationalization. Maybe there really is no such thing as ethical porn, and I just need to quit making excuses and suck it up already. I really, really don’t know.

What do you all think?