Sex / Pornography Addiction Support Group
Sexual addiction, also sometimes called sexual compulsion, is a form of psychological addiction to sexual intercourse and other sexual behavior.
Hi everyone. Please read the following post which I submitted a couple months back on DS for the background info. needed to answer my question...
Hi Everyone,
I am needing help to know how to handle my father in law. He's a sex addict and has been for years. He's also very manipulative and has a horrible temper when it comes to being caught (even accidently) or confronted (on anything). I personally don't have much of a problem with his sexual advances because I've made it clear to him it's unacceptable (it helps that my husband supports me on it), but many other females around do...including my close friend. In late April, my mother in law found a hidden camera in the women's restroom (single room) at the family business. My mother in law, myself, and a female secretary (the intended target) were the only ones found on any of the tapes. I personally don't believe my 5 year old who is there for lunch almost daily wasn't on the tapes and erased immediately (he has no problems with children porn or anything of the like), but there is no proof of her on the tapes. My husband and mother in law turned it over to the authorities in hopes that he would finally be required to get some help. He has had problems for years, but had never crossed the legal line (had multiple affairs/inappropriate relationships and severe online porn addiction). It looks like he will be required by the courts to go to mandated counseling among other things. There is a no contact order between him and my mother in law (and divorce pending) as well as between me and him. This is court ordered and not initiated by myself or my mother in law. The court order will time out when the court proceeding is completed...most likely by the end of the year.
So this is what I need to know...what do you recommend I do so I protect my children but don't alienate my husband's father? What steps does anyone recommend I ask him to do before he is allowed to have a relationship with my children again (keep in mind he was an active part of my children's life before April of this year)? Thanks in advance.
Ok, the time has come to meet with my father-in-law. The divorce between him and my mother-in-law is final and the court stuff was final in late October. My questions: 1. What recommendations does anyone have to help my almost 6 year old understand this and feel safe? Unfortunately, she knows all about what happened as she was involved with interviews with the police (while I was present of course). I have told her Papa has changed because he's addicted (I explained addiction as best I could to her) and not always "safe" to be around. I have told her Drs and therapists are helping him, but he can't be trusted right now. I told her we are going to see him tomorrow, that we would have lots of fun, but that she is to NEVER go anywhere without being in my or hubby's (her father) eyesight. Her cousins will also be there with their mothers (my hubby's sisters), but they have all seen Papa before and none of them were involved with court or the police interviews. Please help. 2. How do I help my husband? He has refused contact with his father until now because he's so angry at him for violating his mother, wife, and most likely daughter (no proof of the daughter part but we strongly believe). My hubby is EXTREMELY stressed and snappy about it all. He is not communicating about it and even had a hard time discussing it with our almost 6 year old and me today (we just told her today). Please help!
Any and all comments are very welcome. Thanks in advance!
Hi Everyone,
I am needing help to know how to handle my father in law. He's a sex addict and has been for years. He's also very manipulative and has a horrible temper when it comes to being caught (even accidently) or confronted (on anything). I personally don't have much of a problem with his sexual advances because I've made it clear to him it's unacceptable (it helps that my husband supports me on it), but many other females around do...including my close friend. In late April, my mother in law found a hidden camera in the women's restroom (single room) at the family business. My mother in law, myself, and a female secretary (the intended target) were the only ones found on any of the tapes. I personally don't believe my 5 year old who is there for lunch almost daily wasn't on the tapes and erased immediately (he has no problems with children porn or anything of the like), but there is no proof of her on the tapes. My husband and mother in law turned it over to the authorities in hopes that he would finally be required to get some help. He has had problems for years, but had never crossed the legal line (had multiple affairs/inappropriate relationships and severe online porn addiction). It looks like he will be required by the courts to go to mandated counseling among other things. There is a no contact order between him and my mother in law (and divorce pending) as well as between me and him. This is court ordered and not initiated by myself or my mother in law. The court order will time out when the court proceeding is completed...most likely by the end of the year.
So this is what I need to know...what do you recommend I do so I protect my children but don't alienate my husband's father? What steps does anyone recommend I ask him to do before he is allowed to have a relationship with my children again (keep in mind he was an active part of my children's life before April of this year)? Thanks in advance.
Ok, the time has come to meet with my father-in-law. The divorce between him and my mother-in-law is final and the court stuff was final in late October. My questions: 1. What recommendations does anyone have to help my almost 6 year old understand this and feel safe? Unfortunately, she knows all about what happened as she was involved with interviews with the police (while I was present of course). I have told her Papa has changed because he's addicted (I explained addiction as best I could to her) and not always "safe" to be around. I have told her Drs and therapists are helping him, but he can't be trusted right now. I told her we are going to see him tomorrow, that we would have lots of fun, but that she is to NEVER go anywhere without being in my or hubby's (her father) eyesight. Her cousins will also be there with their mothers (my hubby's sisters), but they have all seen Papa before and none of them were involved with court or the police interviews. Please help. 2. How do I help my husband? He has refused contact with his father until now because he's so angry at him for violating his mother, wife, and most likely daughter (no proof of the daughter part but we strongly believe). My hubby is EXTREMELY stressed and snappy about it all. He is not communicating about it and even had a hard time discussing it with our almost 6 year old and me today (we just told her today). Please help!
Any and all comments are very welcome. Thanks in advance!
As far as your husband goes, his anger is very understandable, and I don't know that there's too much you can do, or should do, to calm him down. He's certainly entitled to his feelings, and I can understand why he feels as he does. I'd feel the same way if I were in his place.
I guess therapy would be the logical solution for him, and the therapist can suggest various exercises he can do to help dissipate the anger. For now, one thing he can do is beat on the bed with a Whiffle Ball bat, a broom handle, or a large rolled up bath towel. This is a way he can physically release his anger. He might also try writing an angry letter to his father, telling him exactly how he feels about things. Of course, this letter is not to be mailed to his father but instead serves as an escape valve for his anger.
Other things he can do would include deep breathing exercises. With this exercise, he would take ten (10) very deep breaths. Each time he exhales, he can imagine some of his anger leaving him. He might also try taking a jog or doing some other type of exercise. Also, it might help if he prayed or meditated.
He can relax and take a nap, or take a nice, long warm shower. He can call one of his friends and talk about what's going on with his father, or he can journal about it if that would work for him. He could listen to some music, or read a book. He could read a story to your daughter, or you could give him a hug.
Those are just a few ideas to help him let go of his anger for now. Ultimately, however, the long term answers are going to be therapy, and time. I wish I had some better answers for you, but unfortunately, I don't think such answers exist. Good luck to you both, and to your daughter tomorrow!
What kind of relationship do you want them to have in the future? When she's a teen or a young adult? It's sad to lose a grandparent, but even more tragic to let her continue to develop a relationship with this man. Protect her innocence at all costs.
Someone may get their feelings hurt - too bad. You already suspect that something probably happened and that gut feeling is reason enough to keep your daughter away from him. Your FIL is on a dangerous path.
Yeah, I agree it's always an option, but short of divorcing my husband and leaving with my kids (assuming I get residential custody and not split custody), no contact will not happen. Even though my husband doesn't want anything to do with him, he feels guilty and obligated. My mother-in-law makes the situation worse. There's tons of emotional abuse from both his parents. If my husband would leave the family business, I would have packed up and been gone already.
Thank God for mama bears like you!! We need a lot more folks like you in this old world today!! I wish I'd had someone like you on my side when I was a kid but unfortunately, my mother was one of my primary perpetrators.
Charlie