Your wife sounds like she truly loves you, and if you truly love her then your marriage can triumph over any obstacle.

you need to rekindle a sexual relationship with you wife that includes intimacy NOT just sex...are you still acting out? How long has it been since you acted out ?

You have made a good choice by even coming to this site. This is a tremendously difficult task.. separating the confusion and pain from sexuality, and it is a slippery slope at times. Start with working hard on losing the self hatred, it is a shitty cycle.
If your loved one is standing by your side, that is a great start.

Best of luck to you, just go at it one day at a time and get back up if you fall down.

PS - you can start by searching on amazon for Porn Addiction, order a couple books (for you and her) and start getting perspective. It really helped me in the beginning.

From my own experience, so might be different for you.

Sex with my wife will never be fulfilling again (if she ever takes me back), the truth is that it never was, neither was sex with prostitutes, affairs or self.

The above had nothing to do with lack of orgasms, she had them and they were strong and plentiful, I had them and they were strong...

Fulfilling had nothing to do with having orgasms, that is why I never had enough and that is why I went looking outside for more.

Sex is not fulfilling, sex is fun, but like chips and soda... you can't live on it, or at least I could not.

Intimacy and love are fulfilling, intimacy and love have as a side effect sexuality. When Sex becomes a byproduct, an effect of something bigger and wholesome, then it is fulfilling, then "performing" is not about hardness or orgasms, performing becomes about both feeling loved and cared for, whichever tool you use to help that.

So practical side to this... if you want to try a different approach. Try a 90 or 180 day no sex at all. That will let your brain get accustomed to lower levels of dopamine. You can do it alone... but I strongly suggest a 12 step group (a live one) because withdrawal might feel like too much to handle.

During this dry time, work on yourself and any unresolved issues you might have (In 12 step lingo... step 4, see your character defects... step 5 share them with the right people, step 6 become willing to get them fixed) note that perfection is not the idea here... any improvement that is real, will make a significant difference.

Also, you can in parallel, work on things that you do outside of sexuality that are hurtful to your wife, ask her what they are and start even with something small. ("The measure we gave was the measure we got back"). With consistency, you will feel better about yourself and she will feel better about you... this alone is something more you will have in common... common goals are a part of intimacy.

After your dry period, you can start slowly, with touching, etc. No expectations of the result, instead focusing on the process, being aware of what you are feeling, trying to be aware of what she is feeling... then at any point when it is no longer pleasurable, feel free to stop, if both have focused on the process and not the outcome, it will not be frustrating, it will be a step of recovery.

Finally... Dom Sub sex can and for some is a loving relationship. The fantasy in the act has nothing to do with the respect or love outside the act. Also, in recovery you will learn that although you have a preferred flavor, it does not mean you need that flavor.

Maybe your wife is indeed a sub, she or you might not know it. To my (soon to be ex) wife I would be a completely happy sub in the bedroom, to anyone else in the world... I might bite your head off if you try to make me one...

Maybe if both of you know that it is just a game, a fantasy, then sometime you can also indulge her fantasy too, if dom/sub is not really a big thing for her.

You might also discover, like me, that some things are too strong for me, I am too sensitive to them, so I might stay away from them forever, not because they are not good, but because to me, they are harmful, from this discovery, letting go is a lot easier... I am not doing without... I am just not harming myself.

By the way... after addiction (or cheating)... your relationship will never be the same again, it can be over or it can be healthy, but the same is definitely not what you want... same was sick.

"Same was sick" VERY WELL SAID Raul.

Jim,

Though the carnage of your sin will have significant impact on you like your experiencing with your arousal, I just want to say, I've been there, done my version of all that, and its gonna be OK.

Your not going get this fixed by figuring out how to have healthy sex with your wife. That normally comes down the road, but in the short term, its not going to happen, so as Raul said, strongly consider a 90 or 180 day abstinence period and take that hard work off the table to fix other foundation issues.I see it as a fast.

DO NOT TRY TO DO THIS BY YOURSELF. Find a skilled therapist and be very honest with them from the start. Go to lots of SA or SAA meetings and make lots of calls. Start working hard doing things that people who have been there have done that works.

Read out of the shadows by Carnes, and The intimacy factor by Pia Melody. Read Proverbs, COrenthians,and James. Read the problem of Pain by CS Lewis, Read LIving toghther by Detric Bohnoffer, Read Strength in Weakness by Andy Comisky. Read Read Read.

Pray Hard.

Be Grateful for your magnificent wife and support her recovery. She is not with a sex addict by accident. She is there because her co-dependency came from the same place as your addiction. Be honest with her, and figure out ways to negotiate. Stay in.

The Alcoholics Anonymous big book says that recovery is easy, all you have to do is change everything about your life.

So, strap in, leave everything on the field and take the promise seriously that before you are halfway through, you will know a new peace.


You have lots of work ahead of you, and God will be right there with you doing all the heavy lifting. Your here so you've got a great start, everything will be ok.

Yes I'm still acting out the last time was around 2 weeks ago. And yes i do think my wife is codependent (she suffered sexual abuse as a child).

What are you doing to change?

My heart goes out to you and your wife. What will it take for you to enter into real sobriety? Once sober, your brain chemistry will begin to return to normal and you will begin to heal. Take a chance on sobriety, but get support any way you can through therapy or a 12 step program.

I truly do want to change. When i engage in these activities i enjoy them but after the loathing kicks in and i become physically ill.

Do you want to avoid feeling ill afterward? Or do you want stop acting out? The pain of the shame helps motivate the recovery, but wanting the pain to stop is actually what the addiction does for us.

The next question is what makes you want to act out?

I was in the military service for a long time before getting married and in the the military everyone has sex it's everywhere female soldiers were called barrack's hoes I've been all over the world and I've had sex in all those places. When i got married i thought everything would be normal and sex with my wife is great but it's like need for random sex is over powering and just regular sex,i seek out the kind of people that are into the most degrading sex it's like my sex drive is on crack!

Understood. The deep-seated patterns of thinking from all the time spent doing it wrong, must be overcome, but we can't do it overnight.

I'm in the process of reading John Baker's book, Life's Healing Choices.

I asked what makes you want to act out. You answered why do you want to act out the way you do.

Let me ask again. What happens that makes you want to act out. The behavior is important, but not at the core. What causes you to need to act out?

I think what causes me to act out is that in my marriage I'm undersexed and my wife God bless her she tries, but her sex drive is normal and mine isn't i guess that's the best i can come up with i mean i was never abused sexually or otherwise so I'm stumped i wish i knew.