Sex / Pornography Addiction Support Group
Sexual addiction, also sometimes called sexual compulsion, is a form of psychological addiction to sexual intercourse and other sexual behavior.
My recent excruciating run-in (and triumph over) a direct frontal assault by another woman got me to thinking about the neurochemistry of my "addiction."
We cheaters seem to have an immense difficulty with monogamous pair-bonding. We have mixed internal motivations: a sincere desire to be "good" or "clean" but at the same time an insatiable appetite for additional sexual partners. Why is this?
From a strictly biological perspective (I leave spirituality out for now); we humans are pretty odd. Perhaps the most social species on earth, we exist within a "networked brain," relying on information/experience that not only spans geography but time itself. I can, in mere moments, access the thoughts and wisdom of a man who lived 2,000 years ago and thousands of miles away. That's unique in the animal kingdom as far as we know.
Then there's some weird little evolutionary quirks: As upright and bipedal mammals, our facial/sinus structure is perpetually plagued with infections. Since our sinuses are effectively "tilted" 90 degrees from how they evolved in the millions of years prior to our 'erection' (pardon!), they don't drain properly and we suffer the consequences!
I can't imagine these little quirks are relegated just to our physical anatomy, but to our neural makeup as well.
Fascinating studies on pair-bonding voles (http://www.nature.com/neuro/journal... show that oxytocin and vasopressin receptors can differ hugely between slightly different species. Prairie voles appear to be fiercely pair-bonded for life (oh, how I wish I were a prairie vole!), whereas montane voles appear to be completely promiscuous (and oh, how I relate!).
With injections of oxytocin/vasopressin, it seems possible to make prairie voles act like montane voles and vice versa. This is complicated science, and barely touched, but something significant seems to be at work here.
I'm idly speculating, but I wonder if we humans are as messy in our brains as we are in our sinuses? Our brains seem to be genetically predisposed toward one behavior or another (monogamy vs. polyandry). If you happen to be blessed with a ton of open oxytocin/vasopressin receptors (and there's a complicating gender component here!), then maybe you don't struggle with your marriage/pair-bond as much as those of us whose receptors are relatively "locked up." Indeed, the "locked up" metaphor seems appropriate, since the oxy/vaso hormones actually "unwrap" DNA strands in epigenetic action to allow gene expression/behavior modification.
The good news is that neurochemistry is apparently quite plastic. We can, to varying degrees, rewire our brains.
As I was wrestling with the torture of doing the "right thing" by rejecting the advances of an eager sexual partner, I felt two voices at work: 1) the deeper, truer voice (monogamous receptors) saying the "high" would be fleeting and destructive to long-term happiness, and 2) the closer, louder voice (promiscuous receptors) saying "I want this excitement/novelty so badly I can taste it! Go ahead!" The age-old imagery of an angel and devil on each shoulder; only this time with an added neurochemical explanation!
It's probably a little extreme to compare sexual behaviors to sinus infections, but I think the physical/chemical correlations are real. No idea if this is at all resonant for any of you, but I think it's going to help me in my healing. And by "healing" I mean rewiring my brain so that I channel my neurons into the monogamy pleasure centers instead of the promiscuous centers -- thinking/behaving in a new mode.
I tried the double-life thing for 10 years, busily looking like a monogamist but behaving like a polygamist. And to a degree it was a functional, happy life. But the persistent unhappiness, or at least sense of 'missing something' in my marriage makes me hopeful that by putting all my energy into monogamy, I may find a sense of deep, blissful joy that far outstrips the limited happiness I experienced before.
It's scary stuff, I admit. Something akin to the alcoholic putting down his bottle, I'm worried I will be letting go of an exhilarating way of life. But hopefully, like an alcoholic, I'm just unacquainted with the larger, healthier, happier truth that emerges when I alter my destructive ways.
We cheaters seem to have an immense difficulty with monogamous pair-bonding. We have mixed internal motivations: a sincere desire to be "good" or "clean" but at the same time an insatiable appetite for additional sexual partners. Why is this?
From a strictly biological perspective (I leave spirituality out for now); we humans are pretty odd. Perhaps the most social species on earth, we exist within a "networked brain," relying on information/experience that not only spans geography but time itself. I can, in mere moments, access the thoughts and wisdom of a man who lived 2,000 years ago and thousands of miles away. That's unique in the animal kingdom as far as we know.
Then there's some weird little evolutionary quirks: As upright and bipedal mammals, our facial/sinus structure is perpetually plagued with infections. Since our sinuses are effectively "tilted" 90 degrees from how they evolved in the millions of years prior to our 'erection' (pardon!), they don't drain properly and we suffer the consequences!
I can't imagine these little quirks are relegated just to our physical anatomy, but to our neural makeup as well.
Fascinating studies on pair-bonding voles (http://www.nature.com/neuro/journal... show that oxytocin and vasopressin receptors can differ hugely between slightly different species. Prairie voles appear to be fiercely pair-bonded for life (oh, how I wish I were a prairie vole!), whereas montane voles appear to be completely promiscuous (and oh, how I relate!).
With injections of oxytocin/vasopressin, it seems possible to make prairie voles act like montane voles and vice versa. This is complicated science, and barely touched, but something significant seems to be at work here.
I'm idly speculating, but I wonder if we humans are as messy in our brains as we are in our sinuses? Our brains seem to be genetically predisposed toward one behavior or another (monogamy vs. polyandry). If you happen to be blessed with a ton of open oxytocin/vasopressin receptors (and there's a complicating gender component here!), then maybe you don't struggle with your marriage/pair-bond as much as those of us whose receptors are relatively "locked up." Indeed, the "locked up" metaphor seems appropriate, since the oxy/vaso hormones actually "unwrap" DNA strands in epigenetic action to allow gene expression/behavior modification.
The good news is that neurochemistry is apparently quite plastic. We can, to varying degrees, rewire our brains.
As I was wrestling with the torture of doing the "right thing" by rejecting the advances of an eager sexual partner, I felt two voices at work: 1) the deeper, truer voice (monogamous receptors) saying the "high" would be fleeting and destructive to long-term happiness, and 2) the closer, louder voice (promiscuous receptors) saying "I want this excitement/novelty so badly I can taste it! Go ahead!" The age-old imagery of an angel and devil on each shoulder; only this time with an added neurochemical explanation!
It's probably a little extreme to compare sexual behaviors to sinus infections, but I think the physical/chemical correlations are real. No idea if this is at all resonant for any of you, but I think it's going to help me in my healing. And by "healing" I mean rewiring my brain so that I channel my neurons into the monogamy pleasure centers instead of the promiscuous centers -- thinking/behaving in a new mode.
I tried the double-life thing for 10 years, busily looking like a monogamist but behaving like a polygamist. And to a degree it was a functional, happy life. But the persistent unhappiness, or at least sense of 'missing something' in my marriage makes me hopeful that by putting all my energy into monogamy, I may find a sense of deep, blissful joy that far outstrips the limited happiness I experienced before.
It's scary stuff, I admit. Something akin to the alcoholic putting down his bottle, I'm worried I will be letting go of an exhilarating way of life. But hopefully, like an alcoholic, I'm just unacquainted with the larger, healthier, happier truth that emerges when I alter my destructive ways.
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