My first question is, "does your girlfriend know of your struggle with porn temptations?" I would think if she did, it would leave an open door to say, "I am really struggling with this and need your help." Then go on to share what you have come to learn about yourself. You don't want her to feel responsible for your own actions, but if she does play a role in your success it may help her to be more cautious on how she picks a fight. I think many people want to help but just don't know how. You may be pleasantly surprised at how much of a difference some honestly and a game plan makes. This may be best done though a counselor though. If she knows you care and want to make things better, that is always a nice thing to hear. Personal question: you said you really did not want to go back to your ways but had a relapse. Do you feel bad about that or is is just a reality that doesn't bother you? I am trying to better understand my husband who says he is not going to do any watching anymore yet then is not truthful about his relapses. Without truth, it is so much harder for me to know what to do or how to respond. I wish you well and am glad you are looking at yourself and figuring out your own triggers.

Sardino,

A relapse happens when we have not established an action plan to address triggers/urges/temptations caused by stressful or emotionally charged life situations because we have gotten used to dealing with these situations by using porn as a coping mechanism.

When I was recovering, actually 5 months after I had officially recovered and was I was living the sober life, my father died and that brought on all sorts of issues for me which I will not go into here because that is not the issue here, suffice to say, that it would sent me back into relapse but because I had established early on a no relapse clause and I had created an action plan which consisted in feeling whatever emotion I was feeling and trust me when I say that I was a walking emotional basket case but no one knew of it because I was addressing them as they came.

How did I do it? Simply by naming the emotion, for example, "I am angry now because (insert reason) but this may only be my perception because I do not have all the facts right now" Even if I had the facts, it would not have much bearing on the anger because the anger stems from my own thoughts and how I was perceiving the incident to be. In other words, I was actually making myself angry by my own twisted thinking.

So I started to teach myself to stop the self centered thinking and not taking everything personally, I also stopped the ticker tape parade of thinking which goes something like this: "So and so made me mad because she/he insist on acting like a jerk because he/she was not taught manner....' and I could on and on with it. Same with sadness and depressive thoughts.

Let me offer some insight, we need to understand that we are the ones who need changing because we can, we cannot expect others to change for us,so we can recover properly. The fact is that the instant we start to recover, the Universe seems to ask each and every time of just how determined we are to actually stop this unhealthy behavior, and the question will present itself by way of temptations and triggers and if we have not created an action plan to use each and every time, the answer will always be, not yet.

For me, the answer always was, "Bring it on" and bring it on it did and every time I got stronger (not over confident) because with every victory. my mind was getting a new wiring created so that by 2 years into it, I already knew what to do by second nature.

Secondly, if the relationship is toxic for you in many ways, then why stay in it? I never understood why we would want to get better in some area and remain unhealthy in others. The role she plays in your addictive cycle is that you are also addicted to toxic relationships so in that sense, it is a relief because now you can do something constructive about it.

Thirdly, a question: If you had resolved to not engage in either, why did you not have a safeguard to prevent a relapse by installing a web filter or if you could not do that, why turn on the computer in thr first place? For the first 2 years, I did not use my computer at home even though I did have a filter but I did not trust myself enough, so self awareness here is important to have in the recovery process. I went to the library to turn in my homework and use the computer at work to check emails from work. Even now, 5 years into I limit my computer time to an hour in the morning and an hour at night.

I also suggest you fill the porn void with healthy pursuits and goals, we cannot recover properly when we are still living in unhealthy ways and engaging in unhealthy behaviors or having unhealthy thinking.

Have a great day,
Wolf (5 and 1/2 years sober)

No one here can say that these arguments are not valid and we are only hearing your side. Assuming that she has a valid point with you, how much responsibility are you willing to take in resolving issues in your relationship and how much does your addiction play into your relationship problems? These are questions you need to address in your recovery. Is she aware that you are an addict if not, why are you not telling her?
Addicts often feel that they are behaving normally, when in fact they are not. Others can see the difference, but they are not in awareness. Being in awareness is so very important in healing.
Lastly, I am wondering if you are not looking for an excuse to get out of the relationship. Sometimes the addiction wants to win. These are things to ponder for yourself.