Try not to be so hard on yourself. Since it sounds like this was just a one time thing, this would actually be considered a "slip", not a full-blown relapse. Now that the "slip" has occurred, try and analyze why it happened. Were you feeling stressed? Hurt? Lonely? You can learn from this in order to help prevent future slips and strengthen your recovery. This doesn't have to become a full-blown relapse.

Do you have a plan for your recovery? If not, now would be the time to create one for yourself.
If you haven't seen this website, it will help you understand why you are having a hard time letting go.
www.yourbrainonporn.com
Also, if you are reluctant to join a 12 step program, go to
www.recoverynation.com.
Keep hope alive!

Conformist,

Based on your description, this particular slip was one of escalation, this is important to notice because it shows you that your addict mind is still running the show.

Let me tell you why I think this is happening. You say you were typing keywords designed to acquire salatious images, then proceeded to take it a bit further. So my question to you is: Was there ever an instant where you were fully aware of what you were doing and if you realized your folly, did youy keep going anyway and why?

This is important to look at because, thought you have been away from it, you do not say how long, your addidtive mind is obviously at the helm. Something that needs your full attention. Yet the most important question is: Why do you not have a web filter installed?

To get the maximum benefit from recovery is to abstain completely abstain from any sexual activity and sexually tempting situations for, at least, 6 months.

That being said, being self aware goes a long long way. So if you had been aware of your actions that you described and had started to feel the urge to type or even go near the computer, you would have found an alternative to indulging your addicted mind, such as leaving the scene, going for a walk, etc.

To be blunt and speaking from personal experience, recovery requires full commitmnent. When I said it was the last time, it indeed was the last time. I built my life around my recovery, lived the life of someone who never saw porn. Made contingency plans to deal with triggers and urges, installed a filter in my computer, learned to be self aware and most important learned to feel my feelings, at the beginning all my feelings were intense and extremely negative.

Which brings me to, negative self talk, it is porn's favorite meal. So stop it, start saying things positive about you, even if you do not feel them at first. Keep at it. But most important, when I was recovering
i did not talk about the addiction even when I was reporting to my mentor, I only reported what I did not do and reported how I was feeling. For me talking about it kept my addictive mind alive and that was not going to happen ever again

The way I avoided temptation was never to put myself in a situation that would compromise me. I had a list of tempting situations, so I decided to avoid them. Recovery is hard and grueling work but the rewards are well worth it.

Last but not least, porn cannot exist without your full cooperation.
What does that mean? If porn needs you to exist, how powerful can it possibly be? In other words: Nothing outside of you has power over you unless you are fully willing to abdicate your personal power.

If that were not so would I have almost 5 years of sobriety on my belt so far? Also my commitment also entailed that relapse was not an option whatsoever and boy was I ever tested yet did not even care,
I kept going forward no matter what. No salacious image was going to undo all of my hard work. Besides, as time went on, I developed an extreme distaste for salacious images which I have to this day.

Hope this helps,
Wolf

Great advice Wolf. Conformist, it sounds like you are in the position early in recovery that we have all been through. You are committed to recovery, but you try to test the limits to know where your boundaries are. The problem is everything needs to be off limits until you are at a point (about 4 to 6 months in) where you can think with more clarity.

It sounds strange but sobriety takes practice. It is new to you and defies the decisions that you have been accustomed to for a very long time. Addiction is kniving and can catch you off guard and during particularly stressful or weak moments. The thing that frightens me is hearing about those who have been sober for years and it's all lost in an instant.

We can't lock ourselves away in solitude from the world for the rest of our lives. We have to learn how to protect ourselves from our past addiction. It is always back there ready to strike at any opportunity. Our goal is to continue to learn new ways to defend ourselves and create a new existence where our addiction is just a distant bad memory.

One thing that helps is to remember some of your worst times in your addiction. Is that a place you want to revisit? See it for what it is for; the worst negative energy you have ever had.

Be strong and know that you have support here. When you struggle, we're right here for you.

Relapse doesn't have to happen.....and being 100 percent honest, filters, and making changes in every area of your life will ensure sobriety. Once an addict truly enters into a life with recovery .. relapse isn't an option. Relapse occurs when you stop being in recovery ....point blank. STOP giving the addiction the power. Therapy,12 step, filters,prayer, giving up the life that allowed you to choose acting out, sometimes that could mean a job; family members, friends,places you go,TV shows that you watch.
keep an inventory of what you have lost because of your addiction, seeing it written down and reading it in weak moments is a reminder of the old life you no longer are allowing to control you.

Unfortunately relapses and slips do happen, but the point is not that it happened, but what can you learn from it.
Shame feeds the addiction, shedding light on it, takes away the shame so good for your for posting about it here.
When you have a slip or a relapse you need to ask yourself, what was I feeling at the time, what happened that day, and more importantly, what could I have done different.
Allow the relapse to serve as a teacher for how you can maintain your sobriety better in the future.

I beg to differ....new research shows that relapses don't have to happen...that recovery And sobriety can be life long ....even saying to an addict....that relapses are the norm can put that thought there ...giving addiction power....like Wolfe has said over and over ....saying and Meaning that the last time was the last time is powerful...

I won't argue with you. I don't want to detract from this person's pain of having relapsed.
Unfortunately it does happen and rather than argue that it doesn't have to happen, I would rather show compassion for this person who feels bad enough.
let's move on.

Not arguing shanas just another point of view...seems like recovery and long term sobriety happen for those that use positive affirmations are challenged and called on their actions. yes I have empathy for his pain ....when an addict ud fully committed to recovery relapses won't occur.

shanas,

For me, it all has to do with the mindset of the person recovering. I remember way back when I was adviced, rightfully so, to be vigilant about my triggers and the possibilty of relapse if I were not not be mindful of triggers.

I thanked the one who adviced me and told him that I had decided on the onset that relapse was not an option. For me that was extremely critical because a lot of stuff took place that if I had not been in the "relapse not an option " mode, I would have relapsed until the cows came home.

And it kept happening for months on end yet since I had formulated a plan of attack, I used those tools instead of simply indulging. It was not easy but in my mind if I had quit smoking and not miss it, I could stop that self destructive behavior as well.

For me, to say that relapses do not have to happen encourages rather than discourages because it gives the person who is recovering the idea that it is possible to recover without having to relapse.

While it is true that relapse feeds the negativity and further push us down, it is not a necessary evil, as it were. Saying that it is, I equate it to giving the addict a way out that will further put him/her farther away from the recovery goal.

Then again I am an all or nothing critter, so it ws either I got rid of this addiction once and for all or I simply exist and that was not a prospect I was looking forward to, in the least.

And thank you Candy for mentioning my litanny. Hugs to you too.

Respectfully,
Wolf

wolfiepa wrote:

"Besides, as time went on, I developed an extreme distaste for salacious images which I have to this day."

I can relate. More and more I am finding that I actually get annoyed at things that are deliberately explicit. First, these things are usually disrespectful to women, sending the image that women should present themselves that way and accept that men will see them as such. But they are also disrespectful to men, suggesting that we mindless, vulgar creatures that can be manipulated by such things. Then there's the fact that I know too well the struggle it took to break free of addiction, and I don't appreciate anyone trying to drag me back down.

Anyway, ConformistSociety, I hope you're learning to see the trap for what it is. As candycin wrote, relapses don't HAVE to happen. Yet, we need to recognize the downward slide where it begins. You mention that you were looking for pictures of women on the Internet. Trying to find substitutes for pornography is almost guaranteed to lead to a relapse, in my opinion.

Although it's been well over a year since I have stopped looking at pornography now, it was 2 years and 3 months ago I came to DailyStrength seeking ways to break the habit for good. I had a series of starts and relapses before I found a sustainable approach to breaking the addiction. Even before that, I'd tried to quit many times, and always I would start looking at G- or PG-rated images to try to satisfy the urge, and invariably it would escalate to full indulgence in pornography again, whether it took hours or weeks.

Ultimately, I had to first break the cycle by not looking at anything that even reminded me of pornography, and also learn to pay attention to the things that would trigger me to want to use it and find new responses to those triggers.

Dlansky,

Thank you!! I am glad you brought that up because I went through something very similar during my recovery. I made peace with it by simply saying to myself that it was very obvious that society tends to lump us men into the Pavlovian dog category but it always up to me to break out of that mold.

My other problem came from other men who were not all that supportive during my recovery. When I gave my video collection to my best friend he was thrilled thinking I had gotten tired of it, it all changed when I told him the real reason, he just went quiet and finally said, "Ok".

I also did not want to go to support groups because I did not want to hear how others were struggling. It is not that I did not care but that I did not want to be reminded of something I was trying to get rid of. I am strange that way, while others find comfort in someone else having the same problems, I find that even more depressing. I had done the 12 step meetings for something else and I had to stop them because I am simply not a crowd type critter and because I do not buy into the "once and addict always an addict" tenet, I knew from the smoking addiction recovery that it simply was not true for me. So I went at it alone with a mentor.

But I will stress this, if I did not seek a spiritual solution to my problem, I would not have recovered. But most important, I had to change everything about me, my life and most of all, my beliefs about everything including God. Once that was overhauled the real healing begun and it remains as such for the better.

Wolf