Sardino,

I think by now, you may have noticed that many of us, I'd even venture to say is that most of us do not know how to have a healthy relationship.

In my recovery which was a while ago now, I had to start that quest by first learning how to have a relationship with myself, the addiction takes that option away because it only centers on one thing: The high.

So by developing a relationship with myself, I discovered that I did not value or even loved myself, so I had to learn how to do that by accepting who I was, exactly as I was and had to forgive myself and strive every day to be better than I used to be.

So, after two years of developing this self relationship, I was able to treat others as equals, able to have a friendship without any motives and love others as I loved myself. That does not mean, I allowed others to take advantage of me, quite the contrary if I even felt others wanted something out of me and went about it in an underhanded way, i'd politely call them on it.

Also I was able to stop being angry all the time once I realized that other people are doing the best they can based on their limited understanding on how to be healthy, again it is not an excuse but it left me to never take anything personally. I was able to stop having expectations based on how I view the world, if someone did not behave in a manner I saw as fitting, instead of getting angry I would own my ego needs and see a way to view the situation differently.

I'll give you an example. Recently, I was told that a friend of a friend wanted to be friends with me and for me to call him, so I did. It became this huge deal where he just could not even bring himself to call me back because his partner was very jealous of me because the guy was attracted to me. So I told my friend that all I wanted was a friendship and I did not understand the huge drama and I pointed out that he may be attracted to me all he wanted and even if I felt the same way since he had a relationship, there was no way I was going to meddle in that. I do know how to control myself.

But that right there is what a good recovery program does, teaches you ethics and discipline plus it also teaches you how to stop seeing people as objects or body parts to see them as human beings with feelings and opinions even if those opinions disagree with ours.

So in a nutshell, go back to square one, working on yourself, figure yourself out, stop living from the gratification end and start living instead. Find out who you really are underneath all those years of piled on addiction, start taking care of yourself, your body and your mind on a regular basis. After all. the only full time relationship you will ever have will be with yourself, so start the affair but without the sex.

Hope this helps,
Wolf (6 years sober)

Hi wolfiepa,

What did you do to learn to love yourself? I honestly don't know what part of me is speaking or thinking vs. what part of my addict self is. I don't know how to have a relationship, what to look for in someone, or what I (my true self) even likes. Perhaps because everything underlying my actions has been the addict for so long that I really don't know who I really am or who I want to be.

"So in a nutshell, go back to square one, working on yourself, figure yourself out, stop living from the gratification end and start living instead. Find out who you really are underneath all those years of piled on addiction, start taking care of yourself, your body and your mind on a regular basis."

Sounds like wonderful advice. But my question is how? How do I finally detach my addict self from my true self. I've for the most part stopped acting on my addicts urges but it is still there. Perhaps underlying the motivations for my actions. I need to get back to being myself or perhaps be myself for the first time ever. The question is how can I start doing this.

Sardino,

You ask how you can start working on yourself. Well, you start by being present and watching where your mind goes, by paying attention to triggers, by paying attention to the thoughts that trigger an urge, by dealing with your unwanted and uncomfortable emotions, by treating yourself and your body with kindness and love.

How do you do that? You start by establishing a tight schedule that should involve, grooming habits, healthy eating habits, exercise and a spiritual practice (even if it's meditation, your soul also needs nourishment). It also involves healthy pursuits, and purging of anything that may cause an urge.

When I was recovering, I had tight schedule where every absolute second was accounted for, carried a memo pad where I would write down the triggers and then formulate a conti8ngency plan to address it next time it showed up but here is where being present payed off because I was already self aware, so I could avert relapse as I was watching where my mind was going.

I made it a point to saturate my mind with inspirational books, listening to them at work, cancelled my premium channels, watched only PG movies for 2 years and stayed away from anything that could possibly incur an urge, since I already had my trigger list, I was ahead of the game.

What about dealing with unwanted emotions? There only one way, feel them. Yes, it will seem unbearable, at first, but as you feel them, they will lessen over time. During this time, I taught myself that reacting is not a wise idea. So I learned to be mindful, that is to be at peace no matter what is going on. As addicts, the mind is trained to react to everything, so I stopped reacting and taught myself to act in a quite an peaceful manner.

I still get mad, it does not last long, I feel it and then count to ten and ask myself what is it that I want to accomplish or if it is worth the hassle. More often than not, it is not worth it. I do get frustrated but now I deal with it by asking myself what about the situation frustrates me and then seek a way to lessen its impact.

At the heart of recovery lies the task of acting like a responsible adult by taking responsibility for own actions. I had to, in order to grow past the addicted cycle. By taking responsibility, I was able to live an honest and decent life. It is not easy but when we do, our lives are so much easier, there are no secrets that we need to keep, that alone lightens the load quite considerably and by being honest, we have less to remember, leaving room to enjoy life as we are meant to live it.

Then by pursuing these, people become human. How do you start loving yourself? It starts by forging yourself and accepting yourself warts and all. Then start by appreciating who you are, your uniqueness. Then when start loving yourself, your addicted self has no voice because you will not want anything that will ruin the peace you have learned to feel. Shame, guilt and loathing will no longer dictate your behavior, love will.

Hope this clarifies it,
Wolf (6 years sober)

You don't need to find a new woman to be in a relationship with to get out of one.
I think that health is universally important, and I think you can find that your health is more key to happiness than anything else.

Thanks

Sardino: You suggested that " I feel like I don't know how to have a relationship. I have been in a relationship for some time. Sometimes it is good, sometimes it is rocky. I can't lie, sometimes I want to be in a different relationship."

Do you have friendships? Are they always good? Is your relationship with family always good? I think that everyone sometimes wishes they were in a different relationship. I know I've thought that so many times it's likely enumerable. I'm not a sexual addict. So, I don't relate those thoughts to sex at all. Is your "other" aware that you are unhappy? If not, how can anyone fulfill your relationship wants if they don't know what they are? Isn't that a bit like mindreading? I don't think anyone is truly capable of that. Lying, hiding, trickery and the like will never fit into a relatiohship...as the person lying is failing to allow the other an honest chance, or opinion, or even feelings. Isn't that the reason for the lies....so that the "other" gets no chance to make an informed decision? If so, what "is" that relationship?

I think you have to have a good grasp of who you are before you can have a healthy romantic relationship with someone else. You need to define what your values are and what you want out of life -- what's negotiable or non-negotiable. Only then can you judge whether someone will help you in the journey you want to take or hinder you.

Because you are already in a relationship, but not a marriage, I would encourage you to evaluate the relationship from the standpoint of where you plan to go in life. Now that you are not living the life of a sex addict, what are you going to do? Does she fit into that vision? If not, this relationship may not be a good match.

But, that doesn't mean you should run to Craig's list to replace her. You've said yourself that you aren't sure what you should be looking for. I would bet that you're still going through the process of self-discovery, and need to find out who you are before you'll be able to determine what kind of person would be a good match for you.

Not sure my post will be helpful, but, in short, only child from broke home, horrible step mother, never want children, (hence single, because that's why women get married), prefer being single over alternative by miles, but it's lonely at the top. Anyway, have the same problem as all you above, hate this about myself, but outside of chemical castration, have to find a way to productively deal with and terminate this. Not looking for a relationship, just to be able to ignore pitfalls in a world of half naked women. Heard someone once say, "starve it, it will die; feed it, it will grow," so, based on what that bucktooth philosopher said, the more you stay away from it, the more you'll recover and beat it. The thing that trips us up is the mind; if I can stop thinking about sex, the urge is much less, and opposite, when I sit around thinking about it all day, I seem to end up looking at pics and the activity that follows it. Viewed a show on addictions where there's no diff between drugs, alcohol, and our little hobby, vis--vis the effect on the brain, which loves the dopamine that floods out while this crime is in progress, but bottoms out when a vacation is taken, prodding the victim for a repeat performance, as if trying to quit heroin or meth cold turkey. Never knew this unbalanced the chemical activity of our brains, but it underscores just how much this non-drug addiction can still affect you as a drug would. The good news from the show is, the longer you abstain from our hobby, the more the brain regains its balance, and poof, you're cured. I wish there was a chat/discussion group available 24/7, where you could log in and get help from others who are trying to quit this ugly habit, but then people will know who you are, and like a rape victim, it quickly goes from helping to judging in a New York minute. The best cure for this is to reach down deep and shut it off and keep it off, if you can summon the will. Easy to say, but we all know that anything truly good and of worth is very difficult to obtain; you'll have to make a non-superficial, thoughtful decision and put your back into it. Outside of that, or in-person group meetings where everyone is judgmental, where you regret that you ever sought help for something you shouldn't have involved yourself with in the first place, you'll have to suffer the pain to make the gain that turns the corner from addiction to a pleasantly disposed person who can and will resist every urge. Prayer will be infinitely helpful, but they'll know your business, and trading a nasty habit for a nasty reputation will be the price for your misstep. Like they say, an ounce of prevention, but it should underscore to everyone not yet into this addiction that it's far, far better to never have gotten mixed up in it in the first place...