Hi there, 

I want to talk to people but not a therapist so I'm reaching out here in the hope that people here will understand and perhaps help me with my recovery.

I'm addicted to porn/ejaculating/sex. I'm married and this has caused me to be unfaithful. My partner knows and we are trying to work through it. She is a good person is every way (never does anything wrong, pushes herself, helps others, etc) and not very sexually driven. We love each other but this is really testing our relationship and my willpower. 

A bit of history: I started masterbating to porn at the age of 14ish (I'm 40 now). I've been married for 8 years and before this all came to a head, I was never honest with my wife about how much I watched and masterbated. I fooled myself into thinking it was for the greater good ie she didn't have to have intercourse with me as much this way and that it was normal/acceptable and that she probably knew and approved(stupid notions!). Then last year, she got a new job and we lived apart for 6 months. During that time, I got bored easily and without her there to stop me, I developed bad habits. I stayed up late, watched pron, went on chat sites. I kept looking for something more risky or adventerous. That led to seeing someone and it got worse from there. 

I am determined to not go back and to see it ruin my relationship but I can already feel the pull and I'm worried I will be weak once things go back to normal. The adventures when my wife was away were wild and I could live in this world were the sex was amazing and girls were willing to do anything. I know real life is not like that but there is a part of me that is worried that I prefer the pretend sex life to the real one.

There is lots more I could talk about but I'm not sure you all want to read a long sob story. So for now I'll share this. I'd love to chat more with people or via comments. 

Thanks for listening

Stu