Hi Sandcastle,

I am offering only my point of view, which may differ from others here. I am also sure everyone has a different situation as well....

Porn is marital unfaithfulness - plain and simple. As a believer in Christ, I understand He said that it is a sin to even look at a woman lustfully. Technically, staring long and hard at a beautiful body in a bikini at the beach would be unfaithfulness as well. I think the point is that the heart must remain faithful just as the body should. The Bible gives justification for divorce in the case of marital unfaithfulness.

So, if your question is "does one have to remain married to one who sins through porn?" My answer would be no. At that point, the offended spouse would be able to choose. If the spouse senses remorse and true willingness to change and actually takes steps to do so, he or she may choose to remain in the marriage. I believe, once it has been revealed (the unfaithfulness), the offended spouse is free to choose.

I am not sure if I answered your question adequately, but i am willing to listen more to where you're coming from.

I have chosen to stay as long as he works his recovery.

I'm trying to understand the desperation the addict feels in terms of wanting to remain married while in the throes of addiction, before choosing to recover.

Thank you for clarifying, Sandcastle. I think I understand a bit more of what you're asking.

My wife means the world to me. It would make sense, then, that I would know the porn hurts her and stop. At the very least, I'd stop for fear of losing her if it were a choice between her and porn. But, this addiction is not logical. I have"rationalized" behavior using arguments that would never make sense to me outside the addiction.

I need my wife because she is the most important person in my life, and I love her. We have built a life together, and if she left, I would be devastated. Maybe your husband feels like I do sometimes - powerless to overcome the addiction, yet desperate to keep the one person who means the most.

Confession time: My wife knows I've struggled earlier on in the marriage, but not that this is a current struggle. I don't want to hurt her again by telling her of my failure. Also, she has told me that she would leave me and take the kids if I ever did porn again. I don't want to lose them. That, along with wanting to truly live right, motivates me to kick this addiction to the curb. I want to truly be who my wife thinks I am - a man free from porn.

Because the addict is selfish, a narcissist often. They NEED the support of their SO to perpetuate the lie that they are normal/good. They have no (or highly limited) ability to actually empathise with their SO and what they are being subjected to. Occassionally, when they are on their best behaviour, they are able to entirely forget that they are addicts and that brings huge momentary relief. It is a highly secretive addiction, one that is absolutely fine with riding alongside marriage, parenthood, religion etc.

None of that is right, it is just reality (more me) - wait, WAS reality!

75 days super-clean

*more = for

Even in the throws of addiction, I cared about my wife and wanted to spend my life with her. I was just in denial about the damage that using pornography was doing to our marriage, even if she didn't know about it (until she did). I didn't really see the pornography as being about her. I saw it as something I did independent of her; I felt a certain emptiness that even she couldn't fill, and while pornography couldn't fill it either, it at least numbed me to it for a moment. (Of course, it made that emptiness even deeper once the moment passed.)

Basically, I never saw my pornography addiction as the result of any dissatisfaction with my wife. She was one of the few lights in my pit of darkness.

Thank you for your comments and honesty.

Dlansky, were you ever short tempered with your wife during your acting out?

That's an interesting question -- I don't know how often pornography addiction and anger issues go hand-in-hand, but yes, I have a history of having a short temper, along with depression. Both of those are things I've sought help with in the past through counseling.

It does seem like the strategies I used to learn to control my temper are related to the strategies I used to break free of pornography addiction, and to some extent to cope with depression (although I feel I do have a long way to go with managing depression).

In the case of anger management, I have to look beyond my momentary urges and think about my values and objectives. (e.g., Someone is upsetting me, but is yelling going to help, or will that merely damage my relationship with that person?) I have to catch myself in various lies I'd come to accept (e.g., "If I don't act out, I'll explode." No, if I don't act out, the immediate emotion will simmer down and I'll be able to think more clearly about how to address the situation.) I have to think not just about how I feel now and how it would feel while acting out, but about how I will feel afterward if I do act out.

And, I have to remind myself that other people matter -- their needs and their feelings.

This is true of pornography addiction, too -- I had to learn to look beyond the moment, remember my goals and values, catch myself in lies and remember to look at other people as people.

So I guess there is some connection between those things, at least in terms of recovery. Certainly, both have to do with a preoccupation with momentary feelings and a desire for instant gratification, and a failure to think about consequences.

This is a great question. It is only normal for a SO to think that the addict was acting out because they were not happy in the relationship or dissatisfied with them. From my own experience and that of others I have talked with, we are happy in our relationship but the struggle of addiction is powerful. SA is not about wanting to watch pornography or be with other woman, it is about a deep personal problem (depression, stress, anger, trauma, etc.) that manifests itself by using images or people to escape or self-medicate so that you seemingly feel better. The bottom line is you feel even worse. It is hard to understand why something that ultimately does not make you feel good can continue to repeat itself despite obvious consequences. It makes absolutely no sense that we would continue to do this despite the known harm it causes to ourselves and our SO. I always found happiness in my relationship, despite my addiction. That defies logic but is how I felt the entire time.

Recovery is not for the faint of heart as acting out had always been a way out in our addiction. I have learned that recovery is a way out from this very dark place. It is a way out of selfish behavior and a means to repair and restore a relationship that has always been important but was not always put first. I have a long journey to show my SO that our relationship is what matters most to me. I hope other SO's can understand that as addicts, our relationships are important even if we haven't always shown it. Hopefully our recovery continues to help us, not only to avoid relapse, but to help us become better human beings. Recovery to me is as much about personal and spiritual growth as it is overcoming addiction.

"SA is not about wanting to watch pornography or be with other woman, it is about a deep personal problem (depression, stress, anger, trauma, etc.) that manifests itself by using images or people to escape or self-medicate so that you seemingly feel better. "

Well stated, archman.

Does contempt/berating the partner come into play to justify the acting out?

BTW I want to thank you again for sharing. I do appreciate the perspective.

I don't think I can say why your husband is doing what he's doing for certain; I can only reflect on my own experiences, and the drivers behind my addiction may be different from what drives your husband.

There was definitely a part of me that wanted my addiction to be someone else's fault, so sometimes I would twist the truth around in my mind and tell myself that if only my wife were more affectionate, understanding, sexually willing and so forth, I might not feel the need to use pornography. Of course, that was nonsense.

Also, I hated myself for what I was doing and believed that no one could love me if they knew what I really was. Thus, I was very defensive about the lies I was telling -- I felt that everything depended on those being believed.

That kind of makes sense. Are there others who have felt similarly?

I think most addicts do to some extent. Addiction is a difficult place to be and blaming someone else is a way to escape the fact that you only have yourself to blame. Realizing that does not come easy and takes time but realizing and taking full responsibility is an important part of recovery. Even after months in recovery, I still tend to deflect blame. I continue to work through that.

A big part of the blame is the shame that you feel. This addiction causes deep shame and embarrassment for the addict. That's why we pulled away and isolated ourselves during addiction. Facing our addiction helps us overcome the shame and gain strength in our relationships. The happiest place an addict can ever be is in recovery.