I think it will be very difficult for you to have any kind of meaningful conversation with him until he can admit he has a real problem that needs real recovery efforts.
Yes, set boundaries with consequences, but just know that this won't be easy and he will be very resistant.
You may want to get some help with this through therapy or a group for spouses.
This is a difficult way to live when someone isn't open to hearing you.
Hang in there and let him know that this behavior is no longer acceptable in your home.

Thank you @shanas1254 it is hard. I find myself sometimes liking it when he's away from home... It's something less I gotta worry about it seems like. I'm just so scared and also very numb and indifferent. I'm ready to leave if I have to, but I don't necessarily want to. It would hurt me even more. But I definitely will not settle for this life. I hope that he can come to terms with at least the danger that is imposed if he continues, but only he can do that. Thank you for your support I will definitely type up my boundakres and see what he does from there. My therapist said the same he said she didn't see him being okay with boundaries and my ultimatum to leave if he refuses... She said right now he just seems so passive. I feel like we are just co-existing right now. I want to reach out to him hurting because I can't.

I would start doing some reading and see if there any support groups you can join for spouses. Many churches have support groups and there is sanon groups also. Some books that have been helpful is Living With My Husbands Secret Wars by Marsha Means my favorite was Shattered Vows by Debra Laaser. They have alot of resources also on their website Faithful and True.

I have known many women whose husbands didn't admit to a problem and later as of course MORE issue came up and it came out. This makes it a very drawn out process and is so painful to the marriage. I personally caught my husband looking at pornography here and there but never knew it was regularly use or that it could become an addiction. I found out the severity once he was so far in that it was destroying my husband and our marriage.

I'm glad you are in counseling so you have the support behind if you if you need to make strong boundaries. When I found out I came up with a list of what I needed him to do inorder for our marriage to continue. One was to get into counseling and start attending an accountability group. There are many mens purity groups out there that support not using pornography for anyone on the spectrum of occasional use to addiction. It does seem that if your husband is worried about having urges in three months that is a red flag. If it isnt an addiction than it shouldn't be a problem to stop RIGHT??

My advice is get yourself in a good spot for making your boundaries. Respecting someone includes giving choices. I make a choice and then you can make a choice. You have the right to say I choose not to have pornography in our marriage. Now your husband has the choice to either do what he needs to get help or the choice to leave with his addiction.

Sorry you are going through this it feels so personal but it isn't about you it is about your husband's addiction. It does of course affect you and the marriage.

I agree with Heartsad. I know it hurts right now. The deception is the worst part of this disease, but it has nothing to do with you.
A book worth reading for spouses is "Your Sexually Addicted Spouse, Help and Hope" by Dr. Barbara Steffens and Marsha Means. I found it very helpful and it was written just for spouses.

He doesn't have to be agreeable to your boundaries. But, you can instill them anyway, along with the results of a breach. If he still feels like "yea right" then he obviously doesn't care. So, set the boundaries, and enforce them any way you wish.

@shanas1254 Yes I got that book and it has been awesome, can't seem to put it down. Thank you for your support. @heartsadx3 I will look into those books, anything that can help at this moment. Thank you. And yes you are correct we both have choices and what he chooses to do is his choice. That's one of my biggest fears is that he will drag this on later come to find out that he does have a problem and he is finally willing to admit it. Enough damage has already been done I couldn't imagine what it would be at that point in time. Its extremely hard not to take it personal. I feel like it hit my feminine sexuality really hard. But what's done is done. I just want to move forward, and I am hoping that is with him on board as well. The boundaries I have already typed up will be given to him tonight and we will see what happens. Thanks again for your support and kind words.
@Learningskills thanks, I will take your advice!

Alexis: I often feel like no matter how I love a person, allowing them to do hurtful, thoughtless things is not good for them or for me. So, if I set a boundary about how I am willing to be treated, then, it is good for both in my mind. I wouldn't want to enable a person to continue doing things that are ultimately hurtful in the end. So, when I set a boundary, it is for both parties. A boundary honors my values, and, it lets the other know that I am unwilling to compromise.

Hi Alexis,
I agree that you can't have a meaningful conversation while he denies his problem. Here's what I did: I told my husband that him watching porn destroyed me, it hurt me so bad that he would covet other women and "get off" by watching porn. I told him that I completely considered him watching porn, cheating! It is cheating. I told him he can choose the porn if that's what's important to him but if he does, he loses me. I told him if I find porn just one more time, I'm done - he can leave and then you've got to be willing to follow through.

@Ann1954 I have used all those against him.... Today I even set my boundaries. And he hasn't said a word to me since he came home. I feel more alienated from his now than I already did. Oh well.... Either he needs time to process it all or his actions speaking through the silence very loudly.

You laid down the boundaries and he is giving you the silent treatment? That's called gaslighting, it's a form of emotional & psychological abuse. Addicts do that to get the attention off of their bad behavior and make their victim feel like they have done something wrong, like they are overreacting and make them feel uncertain about their own instincts.

Correct, I have done the same thing. The closer my wife got to my secret, the more I would withdraw.

Alexis,

he doesnt like that you are taking back the power. His addiction has had him in the driver seat, watching porn, masturbating, and you in his life too. I agree it is a form of emotional abuse. You gave him the night to process it, now what? He ignores you, the email.....
Chances are today he is going to try everything in his power to make you sound crazy, he will tell you fine i will stop, but he wont....time to stick to your boundaries!!!!! you can do this, you are stronger then his addiction, and have to do what you have to do to keep you and your kids safe....

Those boundaries are there for your safety, remind yourself of them more than once a day to help you care for yourself.

@sandcastlefaith Yes I have been thinking about all of them today....remembering that now he is aware of my choices and what I no longer accept. I wonder how much he really cares though.
@candycin I agree with you.... Now the ball is in my court so to speak... But he hasn't said a thing. He already told me he would stop the first time all this came out and I actually believed him until last Sunday. At this point though I don't know what to do. I don't needd to ask him what he thinks of my boundaries because it doesn't matter they are mine and no one is going to Change my mind on them. So I'm just here.
@BryanHoward I know you are on the other side of this dilemma...but with him withdrawing I am not sure what to do anymore. I can't corce him to admit he has a problem. Thanks for the support :)