Sex / Pornography Addiction Support Group
Sexual addiction, also sometimes called sexual compulsion, is a form of psychological addiction to sexual intercourse and other sexual behavior.
So it's been brought to my attention, and I must admit I think I kind of expected it too or else I would have already gone through with it.... What I'm talking about is setting some boundaries in my marriage, but having my husband look at me like "yea right" because he hasn't really admitted that he's an addict or has a problem. As of late there's been a confession of porn viewing in my home by my husband. I'll save the details of feelings, however I was crushed.
So far he has taken the approach of being passive about this whole thing. Going on week 3 and since we argued about it I have brought it up once to him (even though it kills me everyday), and I asked him how WE should start to build trust in our relationship and start to renew a new foundation for our relationship.... though he responded with a few kind words he told me he didn't have any ideas so for me to take the floor (basically figure it out on my own-which is not what i wanted). Let me first put down that the night we argued he stated "every guy does it"
So far he has taken the approach of being passive about this whole thing. Going on week 3 and since we argued about it I have brought it up once to him (even though it kills me everyday), and I asked him how WE should start to build trust in our relationship and start to renew a new foundation for our relationship.... though he responded with a few kind words he told me he didn't have any ideas so for me to take the floor (basically figure it out on my own-which is not what i wanted). Let me first put down that the night we argued he stated "every guy does it"
Learningskills
Does "yea right" mean that he has no belief that you will do anything about it? And, if he does believe you won't do anything about it, why?
alexisday
Learningskills I meant "yea right" as in the form of him thinking I have no right to set boundaries because he "doesn't have a problem". I feel like he'll turn it around on me by saying I am insulting him by labeling him. If that makes sense.
Learningskills
Why would he think that you have no right to set boundaries for your own well being?
alexisday
@Learningskills because he feels he did nothing wrong or that what took place or was said didn't impact me. Not saying he doesn't think I have a right to per se, I was more worried about him thinking I was labeling him. But my counselor said the same, addiction or not I still have a right/choice to choose how I would like my marriage and what is and isn't acceptable... and he has a choice as well.
Learningskills
I think it's good you're seeing a counselor Alexis. So, you think that he's worried about a label? What induces you to think that? I think that there is no label for doing things that hurt your mate and expecting that just be A-ok.
alexisday
@Learningskills like what I told you in another post... I always worry about stepping on others toes. I learned that in childhood- I guess you can say from my dysfunctional upbringing. I always worry I'm going to hurt his feelings or hurt him in the wrong way. Because he takes everything so literal or so personal at times. He becomes defensive. I don't know for sure... that's just a guess.
Learningskills
Yes, Alexis, I think that girls are often taught to be sensitive to the needs of others. That can be a problem when dealing with some folks. Most of the time, I think that empathy and sensitivity are very good qualities. But, with some folks, because they don't think that way, or even appreciate it, it can become a problem. I think the fact that you're aware of the problem is the beginning of the resolution. At some point, I've read that it's valuable to learn that we can never really help anyone else anyway until we feel whole and confident. So, tending to self is the first step. I feel like if I don't honor my own values and standards of living, then no one else will honor them. I feel like I must be willing to stand up for what I truly believe. I believe that porn is only a form of adultery and betrayal, so, I don't support it in any way at all. And, I'm the only one who can insist on living my life to my standards.
alexisday
Thank you @Learningskills and I totally agree with you. I only have responsibility for my beliefs and carrying them out or hoping to instill like beliefs in my children, but I do believe that this is a form of infidelity. He was quick to tell me he didn't feel that way. I respect and appreciate all your good advice. Would you mind if I sent you a message with a copy of my boundaries so that you can just give me some feedback?
Learningskills
Sure, Alexis.
Join the Conversation