Yes, I know from my own experience that it is possible to love one's spouse but nevertheless be addicted.

I was finally able to quit using pornography a few years ago, but it was so difficult. When I was addicted, it broke my own heart knowing that what I was doing was hurting the woman I loved, and yet every time I would try to break free, I felt like I couldn't control myself. I sincerely wanted to give it up, but it seemed like when I tried, the craving were constant and I couldn't focus on anything else until I gave in.

Ultimately, though, it was my primarily my love for my wife that gave me the determination to recover from my addiction.

I've posted many times before the basic steps that enabled me to recover and I could do so again if you wish, but for now, I'll just stick to the question you've asked.

Thank you Dlansky. I have been down this road with my husband so many times, he promises to try/stop but it just seems to escalate. I can feel he loves me but his behavior is just escalating. What was the tipping point for you to finally make you stop, threat of divorce? Or did you just tire of it. The secrets and shame/guilt usually present themselves as hostility from him to me and as much as I tell him he can come to me when it gets bad he just hides it until I find it then accuses me of being a snoop and round and round we go.

First of all, I don't presume to know the dynamics of your relationship. That being said, your question is very precise. The answer is yes, you can trully love your spouse and be addicted at the same time.

You say its been an ongoing problem, how so? Do you just disapprove him watching porn, or does his life revolve around it. Have your feelings been the most affected by his behavior, or has he been ignoring resposibilities, has it ever affected your children or income in a huge way. If its just you that disapproves and he is just being shamed, then he's just going to keep hiding it, because he doesn't feel much remorse. If its the other stuff, then it is a full blown addiction.
Porn is one thing, cheating is another. I would be warry about the latter considering the site you found. You need to find the root for the obsession. To do that,he needs to be honest with himself and to you. It doesn't sound like he is either at the moment.

Ultimately, its not about staying or leaving. It's about accepting that he has a problem and deciding to work with him to correct it. If you're just going to leave it up to him and his own strength, then you might as well leave. Like any other addiction, he will always be in recovery, he will never not be an addict. It seems to me like you already have one foot out the door, and I don't blame you. It sounds like you have tried being there for him in whatever capacity he needed. HE must decide to be transparent and inclusive with his recovery.

It is a constant daily struggle for me. I have only begun my journey. I've been doing much self reflection and soul searching. What I've found is that I don't not love my partner. Also, it is not a lack of love that is the reason for my problem. But please don't think that it's because he doesn't love you that he can't quit. Sometimes, love is not enough.

To sum it up, I think you should try everything you can individually and together.Once you have exhausted all avenues, then you can leave without resentment, because you did the best you could. But if you're just done, then your done. Best of luck to you.

Thanks for the reply. The porn has affected our whole life. He has been to 5 therapist but he ignores their advice and says they don't know what they're doing so we find another and it starts again. He almost got in trouble with the law texting an underage girl but I stepped in and told them the text was meant for me (his wife) and I wrangled him out of it. He has lost jobs so I have to support us both. I have caught him cheating now twice and the new hookup site is just the latest. When I catch him he always says he's sorry but then goes back to it. I even told him I was okay with just the porn but real life affairs are not okay. Even that didn't help with the shame I thought he felt. In those moments he is being good and says he loves me things between us are great but then he just starts down the rabbit hole again and the cycle repeats. His remorse always seems guide but then he does it again. That's why I asked the question, I'm starting to think I'm crazy in how can I believe he loves me when he does these awful things. I am wondering to stay and keep fighting or if I'm just battling for nothing. I know I can't do the work for him and after 12 years of this I'm just tired at this point.

Bless your heart for lasting this long. Like I said, he may love you, but that can only take you so far. There comes a point when his behavior is not just self destructive anymore. The yoyo pattern he continues to put you through is nothing short of abuse. It's up to you when enough is enough, and if it were me, enough happened a long time ago. If you want to give him and you one last chance, its understandable. But you have to commit to leaving upon his next transgression no matter how small for your sake. I'm talking his shit in a box or yours in a suitcase, without notice! #byefelicia

And afterwards, you have absolutely nothing to feel guilty for. You've done more than enough and he's had too many chances already. Time to save some love for yourself GF.

I am so sorry that you are going through this..as the wife of a recovering sex/porn addict i can tell you that i know exactly what you are going through and it the worse trauma ever. He has been to therapy several times and refuses to even attempt the behavior sadly there is nothing more that you can do. Sadly this addiction wins more often then it loses. His cheating in the past and obviously looking for another hook up shows that he is no longer only a porn addict and that that addiction has esculated...it will not stop there. Chances are that he does love you..addicts are very good at keeping both lives from blending, and when they do blend (like you catching him) they feel that remorse, sadness, and make promises to stop. Only to do it all over again. Your husband has proven that at this point in his life he is choosing his addiction. And believe me it is a choice...everytime he strays, or clicks on the internet he has a choice. And his choice is very apparent. He wont stop until he is ready (if ever) so in the meantime you have to decide what is the best for you. Is it best to stay in a marriage riddled with infidelity, porn, disrespect, pain? I feel like after reading your posts you know that you need to leave and you have every right to. Therapy for you would be helpful to gather the strength you need to do that, a therapist that has experience with trauma is the best. The pain you feel has been shown to cause PTSD, relational trauma is the worst and hardest to heal from, that being said the longer you stay the more damage you have will increase.

Thank you all for the support. I think I know I've done all I can and he just doesn't want to change. I love him deeply and walking away is going to be so hard. He is 40 now and I suppose this is just who he wants to be. The last therapist was shocked to hear about the sex hook up site as he really had her convinced he was working on getting better. He can't be honest with anyone, most of all h,self, I am heartbroken it has come to this.

Ashlee,

There were a few things that occurred in succession that helped me finally quit. One was a near-death experience that made me re-evaluate my priorities. This perhaps planted a new seed in me, but it didn't lead to an instant change.

The second was a time when I posted an ad to a hookup site, as your husband did. A voice in me said, "What the hell are you doing?" I knew that a hookup would be crossing a line I could probably never come back from. I deleted the ad minutes after posting it, but it made me realize that my desire for sex was becoming something I couldn't control and that porn would no longer be enough to help me cope with it. (In fact, porn was making it worse.) I knew I needed a new solution.

As I searched online, I finally found the site yourbrainonporn.com. The site helped me to understand why I was addicted and how I could break the cycle.

Ultimately, though, for me it all comes down to God. Without God, there is no point to life but to attain whatever pleasures we can in it. There is no point to sex but to enjoy it. With God in my life, I have a purpose for being here, and sex has its purpose in strengthening the union between my wife and me, and in enabling us to welcome our children into the world. Sex fulfills God's plan that a man and woman become one and go forth and multiply, bringing new children created in His image into the world through an act of love and unity. Sex is something sacred, not to be used for ordinary purposes. Through my relationship with God, He gives me the strength and will to put aside my own momentary urges and instead follow His plan for something greater.

I will pray for you and your husband. I was 41 when I finally escaped my pornography addiction, so I do believe there is still hope for him. I would encourage him to check out yourbrainonporn.com for practical advice on breaking his addiction. If it really is the case that he wants to change but doesn't know how, it may help.

It doesnt surprise me at all that even the therapist didnt see that he was still acting outside of the marriage with the site. Honestly, when i first discovered my husband was on a site like that he denied, then downplayed, then swore it was the only one. He then started going to therapy and continued to lie to the therapist and me but mostly himself. He did that for 1.5 years, stopped all the acting out yet was still lying. WHY? Because he still wasnt ready to let the addiction go. I never caught him again during that time BUT i knew i was still not happy, that he was still not being honest. After 2 months of trickle disclosure, i finally found out the truth...that for over 20 years he had acted outside of our marriage, strip clubs, lap dances, kissing women in bars, lots of porn, webcam sex, and online affair with a married women...he convinced himself that he wasnt really cheating ...that he was man with needs, that according to him at the time werent being filled within our marriage. Not until he went to intensive rehab was there anywhere our marriage was going to recoup from the lies, betrayal, and hurt. He is now in full recovery, is over 3 years sober with NO relapses. Our marriage is getting better and i am still healing from the trauma. I can honestly say that you need to walk away from him, he isnt healthy, and isnt willing to get better and he will destroy you in the meantime. You deserve more ...

Thank you all. Truly.