Sex / Pornography Addiction Support Group
Sexual addiction, also sometimes called sexual compulsion, is a form of psychological addiction to sexual intercourse and other sexual behavior.
Found out this morning about my husband's porn addiction. I knew he looked at porn before we were married and early on in our marriage (we've been married almost 8 years), but that was about it. We had discussed it in counseling years ago and I foolishly assumed it had stopped. I found out by opening his laptop this morning for our 6 year old to watch a movie on netflix an open page that was still logged in. It traces back for several months (back to June at least). He's spent about $175 in memberships for this site since June. The card he used wasn't our personal card, but his business card (he owns part of the family business), so I never found out. What really tore me up is it could have been my 6 year old that opened the laptop this morning to some disturbing pictures and voice chats. There's no password on it. We are already having marital issues because my MIL and I are not able to get along. We set boundaries in counseling and she walks all over them partly because husband can't communicate the boundaries in the first place (it really makes her mad anytime things aren't her way) and partly because she doesn't care when she does know the boundaries. So, this is just one more issue. I'm considering divorce for the sake of our two young children (6 and 3). However, I know it would hurt them deeply if we divorced. I'm not sure what to do. For what it is worth, I've posted before about my FIL issues with a sexual addiction. My husband's only brother also suffers from similar issues to my husband and their father. Not sure what to do to protect my children. I don't want my son to ever treat his future wife this way. I don't want my daughter to think it's ever ok to put up with this. My husband is under a lot of stress and gets very angry at me as well. He doesn't hit me, but yells and will raise a hand at me (although he doesn't go through with it because I will tell him if he does he can say good bye to me and the kids; my daughter has witnessed this). To make matters worse, my daughter has high function autism and she is extremely sensitive. Very confused. Thoughts?
I have a nephew who has Asperger's so I am all too familiar with children's reactions when under duress.
You say you are considering divorce but you also say it would hurt them deeply, think of it this way, look at how the situation is at the moment and it is quite dismal, are you willing to put up with this henceforth? I doubt it.
It is true that divorce may hurt them initially but in the long run, it may prove to be the only option. Stress is no excuse to treat anyone badly, it seems to me that due to his porn addiction, he has a very poor impulse control.
If he is not putting a password on his laptop, he is racking up bills to porn services and to make matters worse he's being terribly unkind to you, you need to rethink your marriage. That coupled with your in laws lack of respect towards you, and I am putting that mildly, mind you, it is plenty for you to seriously rethink as to where to go from here.
Your children deserve to have a quiet and safe environment, the one you are in at the moment is anything but. Your daughter may have a hard time adjusting to a new setup, due to her condition but it may benefit your children in the long run.
Sadly everything you've posted screams to me, that you'd be better off simply walking away from this hell you call a marriage (I'm including the in laws in the equation) but as always, it is up to you to decide where you want to be in the long run.
Perhaps, discussing this with a therapist, by yourself may offer more clarity for you and then you can decide with certainty as to what it best for tor you and your children. I think you already know the answer but I think you are having mixed emotions about it, yet at times, the initial reaction is the best option.
What's at stake here is your overall well being and that of your children, if that's the bottom line and all avenues have been exhausted, divorce does not seem to be the worst option, if you know what I am trying to say.
If there anything else, I can do for you, do not hesitate to ask.
Hugs,
Wolf
Thank you for your response. It gives me a lot to think about. My biggest concern with divorce is the fact it will not get me what I want. I don't want my MIL because of her manipulative, controlling behavior or my husband because of his addiction/anger to be around the kids unsupervised. Basically, I'm staying so I can see what goes on and minimize it. If I were divorced, I'd have no way to do that. I know that in KS custody is almost always given to the mother, however, there is ample visitations that could damage them (imagine if he and his mom got them for 2 weeks over Christmas break lets say...it could hurt my son and totally destroy my daughter). I'm definitely going to talk to our marriage counselor by myself next time. My husband knows it and was ok with it. The marriage counselor agreed to it under the circumstances.
Thanks for posting...I appreciate the input.
I understand your concerns however, I think there are ways that you can acquire the divorce safely. Perhaps by making an appt with a divorce lawyer you may be able to navigate through this maze. I think the first consultation is free.
Specially if the court is to hear about your FIL issues with sex addiction where it seems the male side of the family is infected with it, as it were. That may help you a lot.
I think having a child with special needs may tip the scales in your favor as your in laws are in no shape whatsoever to provide any kind of supportive environment.
If the courts are anything like MO, it would behoove you to start reading upon statutes regarding divorce in your state and perhaps find a rock solid argument (which you already have) that is air tight in your favor.
Hope this helps,
Wolf
Perhaps since he does seem to value the marriage enough to contain his tendency to violence, he will also agree to counseling regarding his other sexual behavior if you offer the same results of ignoring your request. It would be good to seek counseling.
It's good you are concerned about the children. And addressing his sexual behavior before children are exposed to it is the best course of action. Perhaps it might be best he not use any computer in the home at all until he has sought counseling and is free from the tendency to do such things.
Also, his threatening behavior must be addressed in counseling. So, there are at least three serious reasons to seek a qualified counselor. And, it would be good too to look into your personal feelings about "all" of his behavior. Those things he does creates internal problems that if unaddressed can result in longterm problems for you and your children.