Sex / Pornography Addiction Support Group

Sexual addiction, also sometimes called sexual compulsion, is a form of psychological addiction to sexual intercourse and other sexual behavior.

3,359 Members

6,112 Posts

0 Online

unusualteapot 01/28/2018

Partner has been a heavy porn user since his early teens. We have been married 6 years, with one daughter and another on the way. He heavily uses online chatting. I feel like this is infidelity. We have had several huge crisis moments over this, but I just wondered ... for anyone else who has experienced this .... when do you know enough is enough? I recently found messages with him planning to meet someone. He swears he has never actually done this, and that he didn't plan to this time either (says it just keeps people talking), but it feels like something has shifted qualitatively for me. I don't want to live with this shit anymore or believe this is the only life that I could live. But, it's complicated. I love him. The relationship is good, but this overshadows everything, and I don't feel like we belong to one another. I am very guarded with him now. He also struggles with quite serious depression which is always linked to bas phases of the addiction. We are about to start seeing a counsellor but I feel like he isn't doing anything to show me he is trying to meet me half way, or attempting to stop hurting me.

It's very hard to talk to friends about this, friends in common seems very unfair to expose him. And, my friends, well - I feel like their response would be very negative and I'm not sure I want to hear how the people I love think this is a deal breaker. I am also aware what a huge issue this is for so many men, its like a fucking epidemic it seems.

Thanks

variableknife 01/28/2018

Get filtering software that blocks this stuff from occurring. Either you set the password or have a trusted third party set the password so that he can't get around it. Then repeat with every electronic device he has internet access to.

Scaredkitty 01/28/2018

I attend S-Anon (for friends and families of sexaholics) so I learn new ways to keep the focus on me and still be in a loving relationship with a porn addict. (sanon.org)

candycin 01/29/2018

POSARC meetings are awesome for spouses of sex addicts...they put the focus on your healing but do not put the blame on you for their addiction. In no way do you need to be in a relationship with an addict that refuses to get help or change. He should be in therapy with a trained sex addiction therapist, attend 12 meetings, have filters and blockers or accountability programs on anything that has access to the internet. Most of the time this type of behavior will eventually lead to more and more cheating. Its time to set some boundaries for yourself and your children and firm consequences, it is not healthy and very toxic to you to be in a marriage with a sex addict that is still using.

pornhelpdotorg 01/29/2018

Agree with all of the above, and of your observation that this is an epidemic. It is. You should care for yourself first, and set clear expectations for him.

As you say, this particular flavor of addiction is a difficult thing to talk about. This addictive behavior is often fueled by a combination of shame, embarrassment, and confusion. But, fortunately, the corollary is that when the person with the addiction is forced to talk about it, it comes out into the open and loses some of its power.

So, you should find help for yourself as suggested above. And, he should be pursuing an active recovery, which may include a combination of 12-step work, individual therapy/counseling, and couples therapy/counseling (this latter assuming you are inclined to play an active role in his recovery, which it sounds like you are).

If you need help finding any/all of the above, feel free to DM us directly or visit our web site, where we have listings for groups, therapists, etc.

unusualteapot 01/29/2018

Thanks all. He did see a therapist a while back, although only for 3 sessions. This particular guy told him not to think of it as an addiction but that he has a need for intimacy that is not being met in life and related to past trauma, and just kept asking him over and over 'but do you really love her'? Have to confess I felt pretty negative about that approach but I am confused, is this something I should understand as an addiction or something else. He had tried several times to stop without success and it's linked to his depression but he really went with this idea for a while

candycin 01/30/2018

Not all therapists are the same. A certified Sex addiction therapist is the best CSAT to help deal with this addiction. Yes there is relation to past trauma, and yes most sex/porn addicts have intimacy issues as well but this addiction has nothing to do with love at all. So being asked if he still loves you tells me he is NOT the therapist to help a sex addict. Often the cycle of sex addiction is related to depression, trauma, shame and guilt and then acting out.

unusualteapot 01/31/2018

Thank you. We are starting to see someone else who I feel much more positive about and is a proper sex therapist.

pornhelpdotorg 02/01/2018

For your info and others who read this, there's something of a split among some camps of practicing therapists over sexual addiction. It's not universal, but here's the distinction. Practitioners who have the Certified Sexual Addiction Therapist (CSAT) certification have been trained to address out of control sexual behavior/compulsivity as an addiction similar in large respects to drug, alcohol, gambling and other addictions. Therapists with a Certified Sex Therapist (CST) certification (often also referred to as "sexologists") have been trained to view this behavior a symptom of underlying issues and not similar to addiction at all.

We obviously think sexual addiction exists and should be addressed like any other addiction. But ultimately it's important for people to find what feels right for them in therapy. Glad you've found someone you like.

lkjack 02/01/2018

My husband claimed he quit too. until I got a nanny cam. Guess what he was doing all day long! most of the time they just get better and lying and hiding it.

candycin 02/02/2018

you are very right lkjack that happens in alot of cases. They slip right back into it and get better at hiding it but that will eventually be discovered again. If that happens spouses need to have a plan in place in order to not end up enabling and being in a co-dependent marriage. Lots of recovering marriages use polygraphs to ensure that doesnt go unchecked. Like any other addiction if your husband isnt getting help with therapist, 12 step, filters, blockers, or heck no internet use at all then chances are he will slip into that addiction. There is no just quiting this addiction...it NEVER works ..EVER!!!

Chocol8 02/04/2018

Sex Addicts are always going to be addicts. It is like alcohol.

The most successful way forward for many I have met is a 12 Step programme like SAA. You need to be frank with him.

He is a sick person, just like an alcoholic is sick. He needs to be in recovery. If you can explain you will support him as long as he goes into recovery he may listen. He is powerless over this addiction but he may not be ready to admit he is an addict. Get him to take the addict test on one of the sex addiction web sites. There is one on SAA uk.

He may stop for a bit but it will always draw him in again. It is very likely he feels sh** about himself which does not help with keeping away from it or his depression. It will likely be a cycle of acting out -> shame and depression-> acting out to 'medicate' the depression -> shame and depression.

Believe me I know. My depression led me to two choices; death or help with my addiction.

I have a loving husband and two wonderful children. Thankfully chose the latter with SAA and have been sober a whole year.

Unfortunately people have to have their 'time' to be ready for recovery. Hitting rock bottom is often what it takes.

Talk about it together but understand that he almost certainly does not mean to hurt you or himself but he just can't help it any more than an alcoholic can.

Join the Conversation