How I walked the first few months was with a counselor of my own and a support group of my own. If you can find an inperson support group although I do think there is much great insight and really a terrific group here of addicts/spouses I think having a group of only spouses I just can't explain we became sisters through this and they remain my closest friends still. The do have various 12-step groups in churches like Celebrate Recovery that almost always have a spouses group and aa type but I was able to find one that was 12 to 14 weeks long through a church and they used a curriculum that really went through the healing process and some very important healing for me took place during that time (or at least processing and healing). Do some looking. A few good books Hope after Betrayal, Living With My Husbands Secret Wars, Shattered Vows (my favorite).

You are not alone! It is a very long and hard road and from where you are it is filled with uncertainty will he recover, will our marriage survive these are looming questions that only time can answer so the best thing you can do while you see how his recovery works out is to invest in yourself. This is time well spent and will reap rewards for you and your children. I was able to work through past trauma I had endured (which was only magnified by the current trauma in my marriage), very honestly I am someone today that I could not have been if I hadn't gone down this road with my husband and that is something nobody can take away. My faith was strengthened in a way I can't describe.

As far as what you know about his acting out first I would definitely talk this over with your counselor if it was underage porn or his attraction is toward underage girls I would be very concerned for my children. I would make sure there were some very firm boundaries in place in your home if you have teenage girls or will have them. Also make sure your counselor is experienced with this type of addiction or see if you can get referred on. The last thing you need is someone to give you bad counsel. (I have heard horrible things from counselors I'm sure trying their best but completely out of their field of expertise cause great harm in these situations). You need someone who has counseled other wives is familiar with the wives process of healing. Often you can get counselor referrals through the support groups.

The books I suggested will really help you understand what you are going through and give you hope that you can get through it. I use to think this is my life they have somehow put me into these books. I applaud your husband for getting help.

1 Corinthians 6:18 Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body.

This verse says it completely although you see and feel the affects of the abuse as it relates to you (and rightfully so) there is a great cost to your husband. This addiction literally destroys and corrupts who he is and everything about him overtime.

Blessings on your path may you discover again faithfulness, love, trustworthiness, value, hope, healing and blessing that comes from God.

Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

" 1 Corinthians 6:18 Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body "

Thank you for sharing this quote, heart. Watching sexual videos is a sin against your own body. That explains why I get a physically ill, nauseous, gnawing feeling after watching. It is my body's way of telling me that watching these videos is not something I should be engaging in.

As a spouse of a recovering addict more than five years out now, I can tell you that for me I needed a lot of help. I had a lot of therapy and worked on healing the trauma on my own. I have come very far from reading, learning, allowing myself to grieve and learning to care for my own bad feelings.
I can hardly say that things are perfect because they aren't and they may never be, but I have learned that I can take care of myself if need be.
My best advice from others was to create boundaries at home to keep my home safe. Those boundaries are with me today. I have never changed them or fudged them and they come with consequences for my husband should he ever break them.
Building a support system is so very important. Having people you can confide in through a support group like SANON might be helpful to you.
Read "Your Sexually Addicted Spouse, Help and Hope" by Marsha Means and Barbara Steffens. It speaks directly to the trauma caused by this addiction.
You are not alone here!

Heartsadx3,
Thank you for your time, kindness and very wise words.

Upon reflection, my therapist and I have spent hours discussing many aspects of my relationship with my husband and my past, she is a very good therapist, however she has no experience in this area of addiction and unfortunately I get the impression she doesn't like to talk about my husbands antics. Quite frankly, I don't either, but I do need to work on these issues rather than hide from them, otherwise I fear I will never move forward... Time for me to find a new therapist.

If I had the strength and confidence I would very much like to be part of a support group, and meet people who have lived through a similar experience. Unfortunately I feel so weak and unstable after years of being subjected to such a life. I am a shadow of my former self. I have not be able to take the first steps of seeking a support group. Maybe in time. For now posting my first post here and finding support here has been very positive for me. I will take a look at the three books you have suggested.

I do have massive concerns for my children's future. Will their future be marred by my husbands life choices if this ever gets out? Is this addiction pasted through the genes? So on and so forth... Thus far they have not be affect, so to speak, maybe my youngest has memories of a time when his father was not there for us. And at present days can be rather 'frosty' in the house. But other than that, I guess time will tell. I know only to well from personal experience how perceptive children can be. My children mean everything to me, I feel crushed that this may well ultimately cause them great pain. Do you have any advise you can offer me in this area?

I too pray that one day I will live again.


Shanas1254
Thank you, I take a great deal of strength from your reply. I will/must dig deep, soul search, and grow strong, I, like you, will need a lot of help. Unfortunately I don't think I will ever truly trust again, Do you have true trust? And neither will my life ever be perfect again (well, not that it ever was perfect, but you know what I mean), without sounding too deep, I feel as though my inner core has been thrown under a moving train too many times, I will never be a free spirited soul again and I will always carry these scars, I guess my hope is that the scars will become less and less as the years go by.

Three months ago I tried to set some boundaries in the house. I think I will take some time to review how positive they have been, and if I need to amend them in any way. But I think in short, they have proved to be a positive thing for me. And I am not sure I could ever live without them while in a relationship with my husband.

I have read 'Your Sexually Addicted Spouse, Help and Hope'. What a great book.

I had very little support. I read every article I could online and joined DS. Posarc.com was a good springboard for me.

I explored the idea of detaching with love. One night when my husband trickle disclosed, and then was going through dramatic, dare I say theatrical, image I had read over 10 years earlier from C.S. Lewis 's Great Divorce : http://outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=2391.0 . Somehow this scene helped me see his addiction mindset, but also showed me how loving detachment and boundaries could look and feel like.

I realized after discovering the addiction how much rigidity had been role modeled and imposed on our child. We are seeking therapy as a family to work on that.

Grow strong again? Hmph. Any way you can. My identity has been decimated to the point I'm changing my full name legally --first AND last --as part of my growth to choose who I am.

Ineedof - You sound like you have some grounding so good for you for that.
This is a long road to travel, but things do get better.
Here's what I have to say about trust. I have learned to trust myself. I have learned to listen closely to my inner voice, my gut feelings and trust that this is the truth. In doing so, I have given myself the greatest gift. I have proven to myself that I can keep myself safe.
I will never blindly trust anyone ever again. Trust has to be earned and that takes lots and lots of time and patience for both the spouse and the addict. There is so much in recovery that we can both learn about in accepting the process of recovery. And yes, the scars become less and less over time.
I have found joy in many things along the way and have learned to make myself a priority rather than wait for someone else to do that for me.
My marriage was never perfect before, and it's not now, but at least we are real and honest with each other.

I also want to add that boundaries can be changed and added to as time goes on and you find that you need to adjust them according to your own needs in healing.
Remember the boundaries are for you to keep your environment safe and not to control his behavior, but they do send a message to him that your expectations are for him to be respectful of you.

Hi Sandcastlefaith,

Your last paragraph hit the heart of one of my struggles, I too, have realized during the course of my marriage my identity has been totally decimated. I greatly dislike my last name, no doubt because my marriage no longer means anything to me. After all, how can it, a marriage built on lies, deceit, neglect, is not a marriage in my book. It is a living nightmare. I am still to learn what has brought me here, was it me or maybe its my husbands narcissistic character traits, maybe its his addiction, probably both, either way, I feel utterly destroyed, a shadow of my former self. I think changing your name is a very courageous step, good for you.

Thank you for the two websites, at a glance I can see they will be educational and good sprig boards for me at this early stage in my journey/recovery.

Shanas1254

Trust is a funny thing, it takes a life time to build but a mere moment to destroy. I feel very fragile today, I hope tomorrow brings me the required strength for this long journey. I want to move on from this traumatized state I find myself in. However, as you quite rightly addressed, I have to prioritize myself during this journey, this is something I am not good at, I need to work on this.

From your post I read, first and foremost I need to learn to trust myself again, trust my feelings, my inner voice, my heart, my judgment and in so doing I will keep myself safe. And then and only then, if appropriate, learn to trust my husband. I do hope one day I will achieve this, I guess time will tell. 'Real' and 'honest' are two words that I would dearly like to comfortably sit next to my new relationship, hopefully that new relationship will be with my husband, but without if need be.

As for the children here is what I know and feel to be true of addictions is that children of addicts can potentially be more susceptible to developing their own addictions however if their parent did the recovery work than basically the children if they do end up going down a path of addiction are more easily able to get help and recover because they already have that knowledge from their parent if that makes sense. We can't change our genes I have addiction in my family and so does my husband but we do want to break these family patterns and be the legacy changers for our children.

There are consequences however like you described a lack of involvement, emotional connection that wasn't there and that could impact your husbands relationship with the kids. Just like anything you just take it as it comes. Whatever is needed in the moment than work on that. As you know life is not a fairy tale and I hope my kids can learn from us how to work through problems in a relationship and just how to be better people. Our journey took us from basically living for ourselves to now having three kids, being active in our church and faith and living a life that neither of us had growing up it isn't without hardship and challenges it isn't perfect but I feel very blessed to be where we are. Ultimately God has my kids and I will do my best but it won't be perfect.

I'm glad you've reached out here, praying you find a counselor that will help you through this.

Blessings.

Inneed: You shared that you are at rock bottom. That rock is a solid structure to build on. I had to reach that rock bottom for me too...before I was able to focus my full attention on what was really happening in my life, how I was feeling, and to seek something better for me. Someone suggested that self trust is important. I agree wholeheartedly. I think that one of the very important things I've learned in the most recent seven years of my life is that I must seek what is best for me and must focus on the steps that support being and feeling my best. As far as fully trusting my husband again, I doubt that trust as I once knew it will ever be attained. And, likely it shouldn't ever be anyway. I think it is far more important to me that I be confident in trusting me, that I will not deny the truth I know, nor place my needs last.

This post has a special image in terms of "fault " or worth. I hope you find it helpful.http://www.chumplady.com/2015/02/tiffany-glass-windows/#comments

Hi. Firstly, I want to say thank you. Reading your post gives me rare and necessary insight into my own situation.

I had to read your post three times to be sure you aren't actually my wife. I'm a husband of ten years, a father, currently in recovery, currently seeing a therapist, a porn addict since adolescence, with a penchant for teenage girls. I had numerous super-short-to-long-term relationships with girls online. I behaved inappropriately with women at work.

My wife extended herself to the breaking point over the last decade, desperate to accommodate my insanity, neglect and misbehavior for the sake of our marriage and daughters.

She kicked me out last July, not because of my sexual deviancy (I don't believe she has any clue how far I'd descended) but because our relationship dynamic seemed to literally be killing her.

I certainly don't know all of your details and of course your husband is a different person than me, but I'm happy to paint a picture of the past six months of my own recovery in the hopes that it will encourage you.

The very day my wife told me to leave, the current "fling" I was having online called me out, realizing that I'd been lying to her about nearly everything. Had these two things not happened simultaneously, I'm certain I would have had very little motivation to seek recovery, but it was a jarring wakeup call and for the FIRST TIME IN MY ENTIRE LIFE, I realized that I needed to get better FOR MYSELF. (Caps for emphasis, not shouting...)

After abstaining from porn for about two weeks (a 5-year record) I had the clarity of mind to realize it was a much deeper issue. I reached out online and was led to Sexaholics Anonymous where I've attended meetings twice a week for these past six months. Additionally, I've been seeing a therapist weekly for that same amount of time.

Here's what made the difference. Connection. I was trapped (much like your husband I assume) in a prison inside myself; one that was constructed very early in my childhood and was only strengthened over my lifetime. I'm a very sensitive person but I grew up with almost no emotional support whatsoever. That prison was the only place I could find real comfort so naturally, I stockpiled things there to please myself. I'm hyper-curious, explorative and visual (I currently work as an artist and creative problem solver) but as a young boy, my natural sexual curiosity was met only with shaming, guilt and religion-based misinformation. So I locked it away in my prison. With the onset of teenagehood, the curiosity mixed with desire and inside my prison, behind walls of shame and guilt, grew to unmanageable proportions. I was torn between intense objectification and a deep (albeit misguided and uninformed) need to emotionally connect with girls. Hours, days, weeks, months, years without a proper perspective, and I continued to turn inward. Fantasy relationships were far simpler than untangling this horrible mess of reality.

My wife and I married very young, and she was the only relationship I'd ever had, so as you can imagine, my expectations were nightmarish. (I'm happy to expound more on our relationship if you'd like.) By the four year mark, I was completely unable to perform in the bedroom, substituting daily masturbation. By seven years, I was juggling two or three online relationships of varying natures at a time.

But back to connection. All this time, since the day I confusedly stood guard while another boy in my kindergarten class abused one of our female classmates (and possibly before that), I haven't discussed or explored these feelings and their magnitude, even though they affect me daily... hourly... every ten seconds honestly... Having a therapist is great but having other men who are also struggling to recover from a lifetime of dysfunction every minute of every day is completely invaluable. I get at least five texts before 10am every day, encouraging me, asking how I'm doing, or reaching out for help. Phone calls, breakfast, lunch meetings, chats and "step work" with my sponsor. Holy crap what a difference....

I've spent a lifetime trying to please others, trying to be the right person so that I could feel accepted and comfortable. I replaced my parents with my wife and heaped upon her this same burden, expecting her to make me whole and resenting her when she (understandable) wasn't able to. In this short six months there have been so many firsts. 1 >> I know I need to be a whole person. I need to be well for my own sake, not for anyone else's, and especially not for my wife's. 2 >> There is hope. For so many years, when alone and confronted with the reality of my situation, I felt entirely hopeless, terrified at the thought of losing everything. Condemned. Beyond recovery. 3 >> I can be honest. There are a dozen stories from my childhood and teenage years that I hadn't told a soul. My behavior was so reprehensible, I assumed I'd be ostracized for life. Our culture so stigmatizes and convolutes this issue, I had no idea there could be an outlet.

I'm not trying to make excuses. We are all products of dysfunction to some extent; nobody is absolved of the responsibility for his/her actions. I have and will continue to face the consequences of my decisions. But it wasn't personal... I'm not a vindictive and hateful person. I have never intentionally hurt anyone in my life. I can't begin to understand your hurt, how betrayed and abused you must feel, but my guess is, your husband didn't do any of it to hurt you. And if he's willing to embrace undefended honesty, he can and will recover, and possibly be a stronger man that he (or you) ever believed he could be. I look forward a decade into the future, this epidemic having nearly consumed a generation of men, with a story of recover and a message of hope, something I (and your husband) can be a part of.

And one more note about attraction to teens, that issue has a source. Addressing the source will help your husband cope and overcome it. I know for myself, there is no danger with my own daughters. And now with some solid sobriety and recovery behind me, I see their friends, and their friends' older sisters, and the throngs of bubbly teenage girls pouring into Chick-fil-a after volleyball practice, as precious young souls who need to be cherished and protected, not just by their own fathers but by all the men in society.

Um. Sorry that was long. I hope it helps at least a little. Feel free to ask any additional questions or reach out privately if you feel so inclined.

I think you sound like a lot of sex addicted husbands, including my own.
You are so right about the relationship becoming so dysfunctional. We are still struggling to have what would appear to be a normal relationship after over five years of recovery. Unfortunately, that is how much damage occurs to a marriage from this addiction.
It takes a lot of healing for both parties to really begin to heal all the damage, but it can happen.
I hope you continue your journey in recovery. I don't think addicts realize how much their addiction controls their lives and holds them hostage until they have the guts to set themselves free.