Until my husband met the fatal old hooker that destroyed our marriage, he seemed like the kindest and most decent of men. We had been together nearly twenty years.
Along with the onset of sexual addiction,husband displayed criminal tendencies suddenly too.
This has been a shattering experience, so I have read and researched some on the subject. Seems nice guy types are very easily seduced into the lifestyle of SA, and that they are often most susceptible if they come from a naive point of view. Rigid family roles and heavy religious upbringing can contribute too, according to some reading i did. Husband has both of these things in his background...
I had no idea he was harboring these potentials. He seems like a completely different man than the one that I thought I knew now.
It is still a somewhat mysterious personal disaster for me I am sorry to say.

nice guys, how many serial killers appeared to be nice guys? I'm sometimes characterized as such, the former, not the latter. I read a book "Silently Seduced-When Parents Make their Children Partners" and finally had to face the issues between my mother and I. I think there are a lot of nice guys out there in the same point. Just My Opinion

My husband was one of those guys that I never would have guessed would look at porn or become a sex addict. In fact, when we met and fell in love, I felt very safe with him.
As for the "good boy" thing, I have a couple of theories on that. My husband and I both were raised in strictly religious homes, but had parents with very different motives. I believe my parents were very concerned with my well being and wanted me to not make the same mistakes that they did. Although they weren't perfect parents, I don't question if they loved me or not.
His parents, on the other hand, out of their own insecurity, used the religion to put themselves above others, and labeled my H at a very young age that he was "the best," "the good son," and "a straight arrow." I have heard all of these things coming from their mouths often. The problem with this is that he felt that if he made any mistakes then he was letting them down and they wouldn't love him anymore if he did. They were never there for him emotionally. They didn't listen to him or care about his happiness. He didn't know what love was. He just knew they were happy as long as he did everything they wanted. He was the youngest of four, and he witnessed how the older siblings were treated if they messed up, so he took it upon himself to be the son that made mom and dad proud. He missed the whole point of his religion, and merely did everything out of fear, which eventually led to resentment. He was never taught the good about sex and healthy relationships. It was only seen as a sin. He didn't bring girls home or date, because he was afraid of what his mother would say or think. When he was exposed to porn at a young age by a friend, his feelings of arousal were mixed with deep feelings of shame. His confusion of why something would feel so good but so shameful at the same time, led him to believe that he really wasn't good inside because he felt aroused by something he shouldn't have felt good about. He didn't have a choice when he was exposed to it, but after he was, it became a thrilling rebellion. He couldn't talk to his parents about it. They talked bad about everybody that they deemed as "sinners." His life became more about how he looked to others, rather than ever knowing how his behaviors would affect them. He tried to do more and more things that were "good" to cover up the shame he felt inside. He learned to lead a rebellious double life, and unfortunately the behaviours were carried on into our marriage. To this day it is very hard to see my pain, because he can't deal with the pain that he "failed," and that I would not look at him the same. He was, after all, "the good boy." When he was looking at porn, he was more afraid that if I caught him, I would think less of him. He didn't even think about how it would hurt me. He would often turn to porn when he was stressed at work, or stressed about finances, feeling that he "failed" me. He didn't ever see what I really needed, because he was too busy trying to live up to a label.
I believe that if people are merely raised to be "good," out of fear and in the expectation to keep the parents happy, then they will not ever understand healthy boundaries, and will eventually resent the rules, their religion, their parents, and even their wives. Unfortunately he could never see that the commandments were for his happiness. He just saw them as restrictions, and expectations that he could never live up to. On the inside, he still struggles with believing he is good enough. I question his motives at times, because it is hard for me to know if they are from his heart out of love and concern for me, or if they are another attempt to gain approval and to look good. More than the porn, this all or nothing attitude has been the most destructive in our marriage. I have told him over and over that I love him for who he is. I don't expect perfection. I don't need him to prove himself as a "good boy." I just want to believe he loves me and cares about my feelings. His apologies don't need to be "I just don't want you to be upset with me anymore." I would rather that he felt sorry that he hurt my feelings, even if he didn't believe he did anything wrong. He always feels like he has to be in a position to defend himself, so this dampers his ability to listen and empathize. He just has to keep "the good boy" persona going still.
He is progressing in his relationship with God and seeing that he is loved, but I think that more than the addiction, this is the hardest habit for him to break. There is no such thing as "the good boy." We are all imperfect, flawed, and are here to grow and learn. We have boundaries and rules to keep us from harm and to help us be happy by using the natural urges in the way that God designed them.
I am praying for my husband this week that he will truly see who he is and who really loves him. I don't care about perfection. I care about love.

I believe you know the terrain very well...he's lucky you are as understanding as you are, (I'm lucky that way too) There is an underlying pain or anxiety that the SA is not often recognizing the source of. Withholding of parental love and acceptance I'll bet is a present in the majority of SA's.

Mizmom..I could have been reading a description on my husband and his parents. My H was constantly told he HAD to be perfect. And I cannot tell you how many time I heard his family say how he was the 'perfect' nice guy. Even before I knew of his PA, I would tell him and them that no one is perfect. My H also was terrified to tell me anything that made him 'not perfect, ' for fear I would leave him or think less of him. If he made mistakes, he lied about it because in his family growing up, ANY mistake or something that was said that his parents did not agree with resulted in a World War type screaming fit that lasted days. My H was worried I would do that. We are working through it now. He not tells me of his struggles and mistakes, and while I do get upset with him sometimes, it lasts for a short time, and we talk it over, and then it is done. This past week, I had asked him to talk to his parents about something we BOTH knew would lead to another all out meltdown by his mom. It was something we could not avoid, and he kept putting off talking to them. When I got upset and explained that worried me since that was his OLD behavior, something he was trying to change. He expressed his fear I would be upset with the outcome and it would ruin the weekend(he is not living here not but was going to spend the weekend to see me and our kids). I asked him to try and see I am not his mother, and it is OK for people to get upset, and that it does not mean an epic meltdown held over your head for a VERY long time for not being perfect!! My H is working through trying to realize it is ok to be imperfect, you are GOING to make mistakes and you are GOING to fail, it is how you respond to those falls that says who you are. I have told him that I truely ache for the child he was. I cannot imagine growing up never being told your parents are proud of you, believing they only love you for what you do(and only if it is up to their standards and done their way), rather than who you are(and that means imperfections and all).

Thank you for your post. It helped me :-)

hey Bill
Yeah, my issues are mine, yours are yours, but I'm sure you phrased it intentionally that your relationship with your mom is "emotionally detached" and your relationship with your wife is "emotionally detached". We often find ourselves recreating or recreating the relationships of our childhood in order to be with what's familiar or to try and get what we didn't get. It really shows up when the parents are alienated or emotionally detached from each other, and the child becomes the significant other to the opposite sex parent. I used to totally scoff at the idea of unresolved childhood issues. But it's really amazing how we can wind up this screwed up, and still thinking we can figure our way out of this stuff. There is an emotion that wants to be felt, deeply.

The big issue in my marriage is that my wife is shallow communication wise with me (ie. emotionally detached).

I appologize because lately I have been very hard on everyone here who pounces on their spouses side of the fence. This is an autobiographical issue so please rememver when latch onto something like this, It is me that I am jumping on, not you.......

It is very interesting that you say, the biggest problem in MY marriage is .... HER...

I am realizing that I blame my wife for my crap way too much. I recognize that I am hypersensitive to this language at this point. About a year ago, I watched some lessons from Mark Laaser's team. Debbie L said "That is why these men keep slipping around in their sobriety." I liked that phrase, but could not remember what the reasons were for the slipping. SO I finally got around to looking back through that course to find out. BAM right between the eyes.

"When me continue to blame their wives for there behaviors and addiction, that is why these men keep slipping around in their sobriety." Hearing this actually put my recovery back on track. Because for months I was angry at my wife for all kinds of wrongs, or abandonments that she was causing me because she was not meeting my expectations regarding her own recovery. As soon as I got off her stuff, my recovery started to kick back in... like the next day. But for months I was fighting hard and slipping,and changing my sobriety date every two or three weaks.

So I just want to encourage you that your wife is exactly who you need to be married to, and accepting the fact that God designed you, your wife, and your marriage from the woumb, , "What GOD PUT TOGETHER, let no man seperate" So the question stops being why is my wife so to what does God want for me to learn because my wife is So, God put you in a marriage with a woman who does not communicate in a way that works well for you. Why are you there is the question.

My wife is from a different culture, a different love language, a different work ethic, a different attitude, and if you believe Mr. Gray. a different planet. To expect her to communicate or be sexual or think, or even love me the way I do all those things to her is pretty silly. This true even while some of my wife's behaviors are my biggest triggers. That is a huge challenge. Coming to grips with the fact that I can not change, and must learn to accept and handle someting my wife does that makes my addict crazy! How do you do THAT! Talk about powerless! Talk about a thron in my side.

Nice guys being MORE suseptible, is part of a marketing thing.

On the other hand, there is a theory that bullies are not insecure. So in that context, maybe nice guys are not as assertive as punks.

Just a thought.

I feel like I am a very nice guy, unless you speak to one of my ex girlfriends. I am very nice and very sweet unless I have tried to have sex with a person.

I don't know if nice guys are more prone to this, but I feel like I am one of the nice, gentlemanly, men and I am admittedly addicted to sex and women.

I always thought of myself as a nice guy, but now I know lots of men who have not cheated on their wives, who leave their cell phones in their cars when they go home or on dates with their wives, who do all kinds of things that I have never done.

I realze that the "nice guy" was part of the double life mask I used to attract women and keep them from knowing who I really was. Now, I have much fewer pretenses, and care alot less about what people think of me. In fact, I appreciate some of my personality roughness because for people to want to be in relationship with someone as rough as me, they have to be pretty ginuine, and be able to see through the rough to see me as ginuine. So No more mr nice guy for me. ;-)

Thanks everyone for thoughts on the "nice guy" question. I see my h in a lot of this. I also get that the seminar may be trying to sensationalize a bit.

(I'm adding a thought here too so Choose isn't last on the post ;) Thanks Choose! :)

There has been quite a bit of research over the years concerning the type of individual who is most likely to become a sex addict. Most of them come from families that are described as "rigid" and "disengaged". A "rigid" family is one that has all kinds of rules, regulations, and expectations. This is the kind of thing you would find in deeply religious homes, and homes headed by someone from what might be called the "old country". These would be very dominant individuals from traditional families in Europe, the Middle East, Eastern Europe, or maybe Russia. In such families, certain cultural norms or traditions are the rule.

A "disengaged" family is one in which there is no sense of family unity. The kids are allowed to roam and play as they like, with very little or no supervision. Parents have no idea what the children are doing or where they are, and children are completely disconnected and dissociated from the parents. It's an every man for them self kind of thing.

These characteristics are actually displayed on graphs. You need to imagine a square. One one side of the square you would have the "rigid" families. Their opposite, across the square from them, would be the "chaotic" families where there are no rules and anything goes. On the other two sides of the square, you would first have the "disengaged" families, and across the square from them their opposites, the "enmeshed" families. These are those families where members live in each others' back pockets. There is no personal privacy, and what one person knows, or suspects, the whole family knows or suspects. Such families function more as organisms than as individual family members.

Families can be "rigid"-"disengaged", "rigid"-"enmeshed", "chaotic"-"disengaged", or "chaotic"-"enmeshed". Various family combinations will result in various future dysfunctions, including codependency and addictions. If you would like to read more on this research, please see Dr. Patrick Carnes' books, "Don't Call It Love", and "Contrary to Love". Both books are available from www.amazon.com.

thanks for that simple descriptive greaphic, charlie, it does fit my upbringing, rigid and disconnected

Well if your definition of a nice guy is someone who is honest, caring, respects other peoples feelings, capable of controlling natural sexual impulses and keeps his promises then I would say my sex addict husband is not a nice guy. If you think a nice guy is publicly a fine upstanding person who pretends to be all those things while in secret he lies and cheats, then I guess you would think my sex addict husband is a nice guy. Some say they may be nice guys who do bad things, but I do not think anyone who acts like this especially with no guilt or remorse, may be a very troubled person who needs help, may even want to be a nice guy, but in truth is not a nice person. In fact, it may well be that the very idea that they can be nice guys and still do these things is the very beginning of their denial. Nice people do not lie, cheat, break promises and expose loved ones to danger and disease. When you start to do those things you are no longer a nice guy. And probably not a very happy one either. If you are a sex addict I hope you can find your way back to being a nice guy so you can have good relationships and be happy.