Hey everyone.  So I'm about to turn 38 years old and I've been addicted to fetish porn for 19 years now.  I still remember how it happened.  I was always shy around girls throughout high school.  When I got to college back in 2001 I was extremely depressed because I didn't have the outgoing social skills to make new friends and have a healthy relationship with a female.  At 18 years old I had never had a girlfriend and never even had masturbated.  I had never looked at porn a single time in my life up to that point.  I remember being in my dorm room one day in October of 2001 and a pop-up came onto my screen with all kinds of links to different fetish sites.  I think it happened because one of my very few friends from high school went to the same college as me and he was messing around looking a porn on my computer the day before.  I remember trying to find the "x" to close the advertisment out but I couldn't find it and then I came across the photo that ruined my life.  I remember it was this sexy French Maid in bondage showing off her feet and that happened to be what apparently turns me on.  I never had felt that way before.  My roommate was gone and I had always thought about masturbating but had never tried it.  I had never felt more aroused in my life than I was looking at that photo.  I decided to give in and masturbate and that was the beginning of a 19 year journey that has destroyed my life. 

The moment I gave in and masturbated to porn was the moment that my brain told me this is what i want all the time.  I began watching porn constantly.  I would get up in the middle of the night when my dorm roomate was asleep and masturbate quietly to fetish websites.  It was like being a kid in a candy store to me.  I kept discovering more and more sites.  I was finding all kinds of different fetishes that aroused me that I didn't know I was even into.  I had no interest in finding a girlfriend.  The unlimited supply of women on the internet became my girlfriends at the time.  I began masturbating 3-5 times daily.  Over the next few years I failed out of college because I had no motivation to complete assignments when all I wanted to do was visit my internet fantasy world.  10 hours on a Saturday could go by in the blink of an eye and I wouldn't know it because I was so focused on the "perfect" fetish video.  I dreamed of finding a girl that would be exactly like the girls on the internet fetish sites.  I finally did get a girlfriend when I was 21 but the sex felt boring to me.  It wasn't the fantasized sex I would imagine the girls from the fetish sites could give me.  In my mind those girls were just fun and bubbly care free women that wanted nothing else other than to dedicate their lives to sexually satifying their man, and I imagined myself being that man.  I started having cyber sex with women in fetish groups I joined (at least I think it was a woman but who knows who was really on the other end).  I became fixated on it and lost interest in my girlfriend.  It would be 7 years before I met another girl.

Throughout my 20s I was a trainwreck with no survivors.  I lost friends because when I would go out drinking I would get too wasted and then treat girls like they were the internet fantasy woman.  I would go up and try to grope them or talk to them like they were meant to please my sexual desires.  My friends began to see me was a disaster and a creep and no longer wanted to be around me.  I couldn't hold down jobs.  Eventually I went back and finished college by age 29 but by then I was in significant debt from spending thousands of dollars on porn fetish website membershipts, custome videos, and so on.  My inability to hold down a job throughout my 20s due to my addiction meant that although I finally finished college at 29 I had lost 7-8 years worth of potential earnings.  I'm now about to turn 38 and I feel like I'm probably at where I should've been financially a decade ago.  I still struggle with porn heavily.  I make more money now which just means more money to spend on fulfilling my selfish sexual desires through fantasy.  It got to a point where for a while I was meeting women that would perform fetish acts for a fee but I eventually stopped when it just started to feel really sketchy and shameful.  All that did was turn me back to the internet.  I may find myself spending an entire weekend just focused entirely on fetish porn.  48 hours can go by very quickly when time doesn't matter because all I want to do is find the next best scene that will get me off. 

Now that I've been working remotely for the last 6 months things have gotten worse again.  I no longer desire sex with my live in girlfriend.  When she goes to work I have the place all to myself and may spend up to 4 hours a day looking up fetish porn while she works and I'm working remotely.  I find that I'm beginning to dangerously mix the fetish world with reality.  During zoom meetings for work I block myself out and put electrical tape over the video thing on top of my computer so there is no chance of being seen.  I have a few cute girls in my office and when they are on zoom chat it's like they are on my computer as part of a fetish fantasy.  They can't see me and I mute myself and masturbate while watching them.  It's getting really bad.  I want to stop and move on with my life but I can't do it on my own.