As the wife of an SA I felt that I was not enough for him, not enough of anything...you name it, I wasn't enough of it. And that has nothing to do with the core beliefs you have listed. If the same chemicals are present in normal sexual activity then why not just go have sex, with your spouse, you know the one who loves you, the one who responds to you?? This sends out a message that somehow I didn't offer what the porn offered. My husband resorted to porn because he felt that he had failed as a husband. Due to some financial setbacks, I had to go to work after being a stay at home mom for 20 years.

Is feeling like a failure the same as feeling unworthy? I really don't believe that I am basically a bad person, but I have felt that I am unworthy of love, and the truth is, at one point I trusted my hsband to meet my needs, but that is a heavy burden to place on any human. They will always fall short.

We can change our dynamics by accepting that no human can can meet our needs as only God can. If we stop trusting people because of our own expectations, than we will never trust again.

If we do put our spouse first, and lay our life down for them, than we can hear one anothers needs, if we are willing to listen. And of course those "core beliefs" can be changed, because they are based on lies we believe.

I don't initially think of myself as a bad person. I can name off a ton of good things I do, cause I believe I have a good heart.

But growing up with the verbal abuse and perfectionism from my father, deep down, the core beliefs are there for me.

Yeah, I can look at the good things I am and do.

But then I feel I constantly fall short b/c of all the things I do wrong or am not. I don't ever feel good enough or that anyone would love me should they know every skeleton in my closet.

You know I'm an addict, but I'll say it in case others reading don't know. And I can tell you my boyfriend now doesn't feel he's good enough in many ways. I haven't carried through with my addiction with him ( I found out I was and changed much before we met). But I do know he feels this way.

Earlier on in the craziness of h acting out and me not knowing the gravity of the situation i did believe that perhaps i was not good enough, pretty enough, or slim enough for my h and that was the reason for him looking at porn even though he promised he would stop. I no longer feel this way, after much education and understanding of his struggles with Sexual Addiction.

H however has always felt that he was a bad person. He was told it as a child, that if he sinned he was bad, and it stuck. His first sexual experience and what he thought was a relationship was with an older women who forgot to mention she was married. More sin. He enjoyed porn, and then struggled to cope as he couldn't control his escalating desires. Unfortunately his continued shame and guilt of feeling unworthy held him stuck in the cycle of addiction. Finally unburdening himself in disclosure, he felt a relief somewhat, yet admitting he felt unworthy of my love.

Now over 2 years into recovery, he admitted the other week he still feels shame and will probably always feel guilty for the hurt he has caused me over the years. And upon noticing he hardly ever initiates sex anymore i mentioned it to him, and he said he sometimes feels unworthy of my love and doesn't want to offend me by initiating, just in case i may not be keen. Perhaps even worried about the rejection, so just waits for me.

The Core Beliefs
#1 - I am a bad unworthy person.......is a very ingrained into him, he still has many many good days, but every now and then it rears its little head.....his little wounded catholic child.

Admittingly it can be a little frustrating at times, as i find myself further along in recovery......just waiting patiently for him to catch up :)

Choose: Here's my personal feeling about your question. Personally...no... this SO, doesn't believe number 1. And, I don't think that has anything to do with the way I feel in response to my Hs behavior at all. I was quite confident in both myself and our marriage..."until" I discovered his secrets.

The behavior, as you've indicated to me before, sends a message, whether or not spoken. Actually, far more clearly than spoken. And that message is that my h was not sexually satisfied with anything that occured between us. Sheer logic, without emotional entanglement, indicates that. Res ipsa loquitur? Does that make ME bad? I am a bad unworthy person? Even sexually bad? I am a bad sexual partner. I don't feel that it does mean either of those things. It does though indicate that in his estimation I may well be both a bad unworthy person, and a bad sexual partner. Does that then mean that I AM bad either way? No. Just means that he might think so.

On number 3. If I trust anyone to meet my needs, they will not be met. And what needs are those? I don't really understand how that applies. Do you mean sexual needs? Emotional needs? Physical needs? What needs? That's far to general for me to qualify. Guess I have trouble there. Because there aren't many needs that I CAN , or even should, depend on anyone else to meet. Or maybe that I would depend on anyone else to meet?

One of my favorite books is "You Are Special," by Max Lucado. Have you read it? It is a children's book. I love to read it to my kids, and can hardly get through it without choking up. As an SO, I definitely can relate to defining myself and using my H's actions as a mirror for my self worth.
The book is all about learning to not let people's opinions of you define your worth. The only opinion that should matter is God's. He made you, and he doesn't make mistakes. He loves you simply because you are His. Like a father to a child, he may not approve of everything you do, but he will always love you, and he will never tell you that you are a failure. He does want us to take responsibility for our choices, but remember, we would never learn if we didn't fall.
Nobody, and nothing can ever fill that emotional need to be loved like He can. Trust in Him. This unworthiness that you are feeling, even when you have tried your best to recover and have worked to change your life, is not from God. I don't think I would ever call my son or daughter a failure, no matter what mistake they made.
I think that this is by far the hardest part of recovery; not defining my worth by others. Hang in there!