Sex / Pornography Addiction Support Group
Sexual addiction, also sometimes called sexual compulsion, is a form of psychological addiction to sexual intercourse and other sexual behavior.
hello everyone,
I am a recovering alcoholic who is days away from celebrating 7 years without a drink. I am a married father of two and have the greatest wife anyone can ask for.
Although I have been without a drink my behavior has not been of a sober nature plenty of times.
Going back to my drinking days I spent a lot of time frequenting massage parlors or prostitutes when I was dunk.
In my 7 years without a drink I have been unable to keep this behavior at bay. Despite the, in many ways, idyllic life I lead I am frequently distracted by pornography, searching illicit sites who have options of sexual temptation in my area. I find it often creeps up when I have some alone time (similar to when I was drinking) or when I am at work and unhappy and want distraction. What is worse is that I am at equal parts disgusted by myself and, more recently, trying to rationalize the behavior. When I do have rare moments of honesty with myself I am nauseous and shaken.
Today I spent 350 on a prostitute. I am now home writing this down as a form of confession. I think I really do have an addictive personality. Once I stick with AA it took me 5 more years to stop smoking (even though I am still chewing Nicorette like it's crack). Now it's deviant sexual behavior.
I know I can be a good father, I also know I can be a good husband. People tell me these things - but there is this dark subversive side of me that outs my wife and family at risk as I become a man obsessed looking for instant gratification.
I know this has to stop. I know I'll be more content when I stop. Am I too weak to do anything? Am I too thrilled with risk of it all? Am I so completely self-absorbed to abuse the people I love the most without then knowing it?
That is where my head is today. Thank you for letting me share this.
You mentioned the feelings creep in during alone time. Meaning Bored I would guess.
If you really want to quit, don't allow yourself to get bored, if you can help it. Do you have hobbies that you like/love? Do you and your wife have hobbies together? A real hobby that you look forward to doing?
You need to fill in the void, that dead time you have where your mind wanders.
12 steps can help re-route the addictive process, for any addiction.
One of the things I really struggled with early on in recovery, and struggle with even now, is shame. My therapist help me identify shame as a feeling of "I am bad." I worked really hard to reframe that as "I did bad." Even though I have these addictive behaviors that might have been unacceptable, I am still a good person.
I think one of the most fundamental things but one of the most crucial things his willingness. From your initial post, it sounds like you are willing and wanting to be a good and dedicated husband and father. I would like to affirm you for this willingness and for reaching out. I wish you the very best in your path of recovery. I'm always available to respond to personal messages through this site if you need someone to talk to.