Sex / Pornography Addiction Support Group
Sexual addiction, also sometimes called sexual compulsion, is a form of psychological addiction to sexual intercourse and other sexual behavior.
So here I am three months have past since I posted or came on here. I've always thought I was a strong person always in control of things, well probably overly in control due to my control freak nature. My wife and I started seeing a counselor. We had a good Thanksgiving. We had the best Christmas we've had in I don't know how many years. Somehow, during all this I started getting back not only into the online relationship, but started talking to a female I had a long term affair with years back before and after I got married.
Once again, my wife didn't know these things were going on, well at least she never caught me, but of course I've been doing what I do best. Lie. Lie to her, to my friends and now I realize to myself. Which brings me to why I'm here tonight. So two weeks ago, I come home from work to my wife with her personal belongings packed in our vehicle and standing there telling me she's done and filed for a divorce. My sense of reality, whatever that was, disappeared completely. I was devastated and for the first time in my life I had zero control. I couldn't stop her. I couldn't talk her out of it. I couldn't manipulate her as she's been telling me I always did so well.
Now my first reaction to all of this was delete evrything, block phone numbers, do all the normal things I've tried in the past. But as I've been reflecting on my past and having a very deep conversation with her the weekend after she left, I came to the conclusion that I'm defeated. My relationship with my son's mom was identical to the one with my wife, the exception is my wife is the best thing that I have. For 14 years she's put herself aside and been there for me, she's worked daily to make and keep me happy. And how did I repay her.....by cheating and lying since day one. I put her second, caused her to go into a depression and was oblivious to her emotions and needs. I've been lying my whole life and I'm so disgusted with who I am.
So here I am, my next steps. I've admitted that I'm a sex addict to myself and to her. I've been to two meetings so far and see that thankfully I'm not alone in this. For years I thought I had control of this. I could never explain why I did these things and why I would continue even when I didn't want to anymore. It's so hard to fathom something taking so much control of myself as this has. I see no future at this moment, there's nothing there, it's just blank. The last week has been just trying to get past the day and go to sleep, only to wake up and do it again.
I've met 3 people who have shared their stories with me and it's been quite frankly terrifying. It's like I was looking at a mirror listening to my life's story, but it wasn't me in the mirror. The first meeting I left and kept telling myself it's a dream. There's no way that this individual Just sat across from me and told me my exact story like that. So I went to a different meeting the next night and this time I sat across from two individuals and the same thing happened. The frigging mirror was there, but once again it wasn't me I was looking at. I kept asking myself, how can this be possible? And what hit me most and the hardest....was that each of them sincerely, I mean whole heartedly, thanked me for being there for them. I played it over and over again in my head like a video. I kept asking myself (and quite honestly may still not understand or believe this) who am I but just some pathetic stranger with a fucked up life. I mean who am I to have these individuals be thankful for for me being there. I still don't understand it, but clearly I can't fix this addiction on my own. I've proven that to myself for a lot of years.
As for my marriage. ....can't say there much hope. I've heard stories from these individuals how their wives have been part of their recovery. And I'm sure it wasn't easy on either side. But I struggle with putting hope into something that's not even a possibility. It hurts so much to try and picture my life without her in it, but I've clearly given her no reason to want to be with me. In fact I've given her every reason to want nothing to do with me ever again.
So now I'm on the end of my fourth day since I've admitted this addiction to myself. Do I have any hope I can beat it? No, not at this point...right now hope is nothing, it's just not there. I've seen people in these meetings who are getting better, so all I've got is that. To keep looking at what they've been doing. Look at the future as 24 hours long. Count down the hours each day and then do it again and again.
Thank you for reading this and any advice would be greatly appreciated. It's taken a lot for me to finally be honest. I'm so drained from living this life of lies.
Once again, my wife didn't know these things were going on, well at least she never caught me, but of course I've been doing what I do best. Lie. Lie to her, to my friends and now I realize to myself. Which brings me to why I'm here tonight. So two weeks ago, I come home from work to my wife with her personal belongings packed in our vehicle and standing there telling me she's done and filed for a divorce. My sense of reality, whatever that was, disappeared completely. I was devastated and for the first time in my life I had zero control. I couldn't stop her. I couldn't talk her out of it. I couldn't manipulate her as she's been telling me I always did so well.
Now my first reaction to all of this was delete evrything, block phone numbers, do all the normal things I've tried in the past. But as I've been reflecting on my past and having a very deep conversation with her the weekend after she left, I came to the conclusion that I'm defeated. My relationship with my son's mom was identical to the one with my wife, the exception is my wife is the best thing that I have. For 14 years she's put herself aside and been there for me, she's worked daily to make and keep me happy. And how did I repay her.....by cheating and lying since day one. I put her second, caused her to go into a depression and was oblivious to her emotions and needs. I've been lying my whole life and I'm so disgusted with who I am.
So here I am, my next steps. I've admitted that I'm a sex addict to myself and to her. I've been to two meetings so far and see that thankfully I'm not alone in this. For years I thought I had control of this. I could never explain why I did these things and why I would continue even when I didn't want to anymore. It's so hard to fathom something taking so much control of myself as this has. I see no future at this moment, there's nothing there, it's just blank. The last week has been just trying to get past the day and go to sleep, only to wake up and do it again.
I've met 3 people who have shared their stories with me and it's been quite frankly terrifying. It's like I was looking at a mirror listening to my life's story, but it wasn't me in the mirror. The first meeting I left and kept telling myself it's a dream. There's no way that this individual Just sat across from me and told me my exact story like that. So I went to a different meeting the next night and this time I sat across from two individuals and the same thing happened. The frigging mirror was there, but once again it wasn't me I was looking at. I kept asking myself, how can this be possible? And what hit me most and the hardest....was that each of them sincerely, I mean whole heartedly, thanked me for being there for them. I played it over and over again in my head like a video. I kept asking myself (and quite honestly may still not understand or believe this) who am I but just some pathetic stranger with a fucked up life. I mean who am I to have these individuals be thankful for for me being there. I still don't understand it, but clearly I can't fix this addiction on my own. I've proven that to myself for a lot of years.
As for my marriage. ....can't say there much hope. I've heard stories from these individuals how their wives have been part of their recovery. And I'm sure it wasn't easy on either side. But I struggle with putting hope into something that's not even a possibility. It hurts so much to try and picture my life without her in it, but I've clearly given her no reason to want to be with me. In fact I've given her every reason to want nothing to do with me ever again.
So now I'm on the end of my fourth day since I've admitted this addiction to myself. Do I have any hope I can beat it? No, not at this point...right now hope is nothing, it's just not there. I've seen people in these meetings who are getting better, so all I've got is that. To keep looking at what they've been doing. Look at the future as 24 hours long. Count down the hours each day and then do it again and again.
Thank you for reading this and any advice would be greatly appreciated. It's taken a lot for me to finally be honest. I'm so drained from living this life of lies.
My advice is bury yourself in information about your addiction, you need to know your enemy. Do not delay. Come up with a recovery plan that has no compromise and follow it as if your life depended on it. The only chance you have of having a healthy relationship with another human, be it your wife, or the next person, is to recover and to put as much time and space between your addict-days and your recovery. You must work your backside off not to resent your wife, expect anything whatsoever from her, or control her. That is all a distraction, and as an addict you must brace yourself - you will come up with a million excuses not to recover. Try out yourbrainonporn, recoverynation, and the forums on yourbrainrebalanced - you will realise there is an army of us and you have the privilege of being able to learn from their mistakes. It is not too late to live a good life.
You are only two meetings into recovery. Of course you hurt, but at least you are feeling which is something you probably never allowed yourself to do when you were acting out.
My advice and I am a spouse, not an addict, is go to as many meetings as you can right now, get into therapy with someone who has experience working with 12 step programs. Don't look too far into the future right now. Just concentrate on healing and getting sober.
My advice to your wife would be to keep the separation, but put divorce on hold. She needs to see the possibility of life with recovery. It will be a very long road, but one worth traveling. Maybe you cannot see that now, but hope is out there.
I am so happy to see that you are in a 12 step meeting, get to as many in the week that you can, you can even go to meetings for other addictions if need be, the idea is the same with booze, drugs, etc. I have read 90 meetings in 90 days. Read about the 90 days of abstinence too....it will help re-wire your brain, help you think more clearly, and stay sober. Dont start your recovery journey alone, those other men can help you. Read all you can about sex addiction, arm yourself with the tools to fight this war. Also i suggest you read the book, Your sexually Addicted Spouse, written by Barbara Steffens and Marsha Means. It will give you insight about what your wife is going through, her feelings, and maybe help you to reconnect with her. If you can get a glimpse about what is going on in her head and in her heart it may help you too.
Also, I suggest stop using negative words, there is always hope, but you must tell yourself, Relapse isnt an option....that isnt you anymore and put one step forward.
Blessings
Candycin, I'm sorry to put tears in your eyes. I have so much respect for you as a spouse of a recovering addict. I bought the book and will read it, if anything to help me understand what this has caused others. I thank you again for reading and replying.
Shanas, thank you for the encouragement. At my first saa meeting, I really was numb and sorta lost reality listening to the others there, sorta kept battling myself in my head as to wtf I was doing. But the one thing that hit me the hardest (and honestly I'm still trying to understand it) is at the end I had an individual come up to me and truly thank me for being there. And not just as we tend to hear daily from people, but a sincere heartfelt almost tearful thank you. I sat in my truck afterwards just staring out asking myself, who is this stranger thanking me for coming to his meeting and who was I to help him. The second meeting I had a similar experience and again asked myself the same questions. I'm amazed at how quickly strangers are there for you and a bit overwhelmed by it. Your words are no different, I'm a stranger to you and you to me, but you took the time to write them and I can't express how much it means. Thank you.