Sex / Pornography Addiction Support Group
Sexual addiction, also sometimes called sexual compulsion, is a form of psychological addiction to sexual intercourse and other sexual behavior.
Hi, my name is Ralph, and I am a sex and pornography addict.
I have felt that constant obsession of wanting to get online to look at porn or to act out sexually with others. In my case, it seemed like the longer I went without porn, the more willpower it required to stay away from it.
I have learned that I am a complete basket-case of an addict. I have tried everything I could think of to stop. I tried prayer (even though I am agnostic), meetings, medication, promises, filters, changing my schedule, psychologists, psychiatrists, online support groups, journalling, meditation, etc......
In the end, none of it helped me for more than a couple of weeks.
Then I was approached by someone who was recovered from sex addiction by doing a 12 step program. I was very doubtful that it could ever work for me because of the need for reliance on a higher power. Talk of God, a higher power, turned me off and took away any hope that a 12 step program could work for me. No-one was more agnostic than me. But he asked me if I would be WILLING to believe in a higher power....just to give it a try and start doing the steps.
I told him no.
He again told me that all it took was a willingness to believe, and he asked me how I had been doing with my attempts to recover on my own.
I grudgingly said OK, I will give it a try. I knew that anything would be better than how I was at the time
It is interesting, because even though I struggled and fought against the possibility of God, I did the step work (including the prayer parts) anyway. The results became self-reinforcing.
I am kind of still agnostic - but the thing that helped me is that I no longer make an issue of whether God exists or not. My willingness to believe allowed me to follow the steps, which have given me sobriety. Even better, my ability to cope with life has changed incredibly and life has become happier, even joyful.
To anyone in despair because of their addiction and all of the shameful behavior associated with it, I would encourage you to check out SAAPP.org - a sex addicts anonymous fellowship that focuses primarily not on meetings but on doing the stepwork. It has made a huge difference in my life.
As part of 12 step, I cannot maintain sobriety without trying to help other addicts. I am open to anyone who would like to share their difficulties or would like to learn more about a 12 step program.
I think I've got the 12 steps of sex addiction recovery understood enough where people who have done them thoroughly can fill in the gaps, here goes.
Step one I am powerless over the sexual urges that lead to acts of compulsion sexually that I have no willpower to stop. Step two I do believe there is a God out there that wants to restore me to the sanity that consists of a belief that life could be much better than a focus on acting out sexually. Step three I do decide to turn my will and life over to this God. Step four, from what I understand, is knowing greed, envy, selfishness, and fear are the exact nature of my wrongs, or character defects? Also resentment, dishonesty, my dependence on a self-reliable agenda, and the biggest of all shame, makes my character more distant from God's wishes. The ones that really hit home are the feelings or attitude of entitlement, desires for control, self-seeking, and feelings of being better than or less than everyone else I really am needing removed.
Are there any other defects sex addicts share that I could watch out for?
I know step five, from doing the alcoholics anonymous steps, and that is to admit fully to myself, God and another the exact nature of the wrongs. The wrongs being the compulsive desires to act out, and the exact natures are an envious mind state, fueled by not liking my current situation, but not sound enough to know fantasy is not reality, the jealousy that I won't get what I want, which is to control and have my way with women like sexual objects, just for example.
Then in step six, I get tired of being the same old me, what I just stated above, the thing about seeing women as objects, and always functioning off a relentless desire to satisfy overwhelming desires that won't be satisfied even when I do act out, things of this nature, that lead to me really knowing I need change somehow, but most importantly knowing I need change from a higher power.
In step seven, I knowing I am spent, for lack of a better word, ask God to remove the defects that make me a sex addict, and that have harmed others, equating to negative consequences.
In step eight I look at who was hurt, and in step 9 make a plan to right the wrongs. Are these the same wrongs as the character defects? For instance, if jealousy was a wrong, do I go out of my way to hold a standard of not accepting it in the future? Desires for control, does that mean I completely let go of making any decisions? If a loving God is still leading the way, like I declare in step three, then all my decisions should be Godly and towards staying recovered. Right?
After that, at Step 10, I then watch for the same defects that made me miserable and unhappy before, the ones I identify in step four, and I get rid of them without regret immediately, knowing they will only make things less sane and sound. Sympathy for the devil will not work at this point, and even if it isn't or never was personal, it's is like living with roaches, some can make the argument they are harmless, and not lethal, but they are equally incredibly hard to live with, affect all areas of the life at that point, and are better off dead. What are some techniques you used to defend or rid your character defects, I know practical applications for addicts are much better than ambitious or grandiose ones. For instance I have a standard of tipping everyone to repay a debt to society with my alcohol recovery, it's never about the money, it is always about the prevention of selfishness becoming routine in my life. If I am routinely giving to others, through a practical means like a "tip", I am routinely being unselfish, and I use that as a defense against an ego that says I need "selfishness" for survival, like most miserable people preach. Not once has the outcome been misery when I see the smile people get after I give them a tip, nobody else is willing to give.
In step 11, I sit and listen to God, by this point I know he doesn't want me to be controlled by sexual compulsions, weakening my impulse control, and wants me to have the most healthy and sound sexual experiences possible.
In step 12 I do just like you did today, which by the way made my day, because I was starting to lose hope that I might be the only one serious about 12 step recovery and sexual addiction.
Thanks buddy.
With regard to your summary about the steps, I would say that selfish sexual behavior is the sex addict's maladaptive solution to the problems that life presents (just like alcohol is the solution for alcoholics). Addiction becomes a problem when whatever helps the addict cope with life no longer works....but it is too late and the addict cannot stop that behavior. In this case, for someone like me, a spiritual solution is the only solution that works (after I tried everything else). So with regard to the 12 steps, following the 12 steps is not only about sex addiction, it is about everything. It is about getting over our resentments, fears. Making amends for our harms (even non-sex related harms). And once having cleaned up our past, commence to live in the present with keeping spiritually clean with daily inventory, meditation and prayer, and finally with passing the message onto others.
In summary, the purpose of the 12 steps is to find a new way of life (again, not just our sexual lives, but all aspects of our lives) in which we can cope with the daily problems of life using spiritual principles and thereby finding freedom. Acting out becomes less and less of a temptation as we replace it with something healthier.
Nice perspective on the 12 steps, I do think I think they only combat or calm my addictions, and not do what they do for the lives of all. Thanks for reminding me, I am battling a greed agenda that sunk it's teeth into my purpose recently. I had a huge financial loss, am taking care of someone financially that is using me, and not appreciative or considerate that I don't have to help if I don't want to, and this has really hardened my mind and made it closed to realities like you spoke of. If we can keep this thread going, that would be such a gift for me, I can tell you are serious and have a strong message. Please reply with more experience, strength, and hope if you can.
Thanks.
The phone meetings for SAAPP are daily, but all but one are Big Book study meetings - which are also helpful - some more than others depending upon where they are in the book. The Saturday morning meeting is dedicated to introducing the problem and the solution - it is basically the same meeting and same message every Saturday.
As far as applying the steps to your life, the things that you mentioned are very much what the steps will help. Things like resentment and fear are the very things that drive us back into addictive behavior, and the 12 steps present a healthy alternative to dealing with those resentments and fears without acting out.
I will send you a message with some contact information, and I can set you up with some recovered female addicts. Talking about the benefit of 12 step is great...but actually doing the steps is where real recovery started for me.
I might have put that in my profile, because I thought secrecy was still beneficial, lol!
I've got to say I've been reading the work on that site saapp.org, and I have one thing I need to address. What do I do about the resentment I am brewing about the recovered person who is still an asshole? Clearly they aren't addressing their resentment daily, and resentment begets resentment. Particularly the message carriers who are rigid and declare this is wrong or that is wrong, when the fellowship and program clearly says there are no rules, no guidelines to follow, no lectures to endure...etc? My home group has tried to control the meetings where you cannot curse, have to limit your sharing, and I am resenting this because it is not courtesy, kindness, justice, or love.
I guess what I am saying is I am tired and powerless over the fact that most, if not all "recovered" addicts and alcholics 90% of the time seems to treat the other non-recovered addicts and alcoholics like inferiors. Furthermore this creates a fear inside of me of not wanting to recover, or listen to them at least, because I know there is a severe punishment for thinking proudly a person is lesser than they.
Did you ever experience this? I know it is similar to the victim complaint, in where my illness is shifting the problems it creates on the inside of me, the painfully difficult problems to solve alone on the inside, to a view that outside is the problem.
What specifically do you do about daily resentment and fears in your life, do you just accept the world and it's people can and will be spiritually sick, then search for your own sickness and ask it to be removed? For fear do you know your reliance on yourself isn't going to go far enough? I know if I do these things, I feel more peace, but is the goal me feeling more peace or others feeling more peace? Or is it all of us feeling the most peace as possible? I am really struggling right now with the ability to accept others how they are, sick or not, and it is not making me want to act out, so much as it is making me want to distance myself from their difficulties. However, if I look at that closely, that is me saying I am greater than they, right? Running from difficult people tells them I am disapproving of their difficulty, and am too good to be around their imperfection. That is how I am seeing it, but that might just be my illness wanting me to experience and share more misery with someone else to enhance it's agenda to make my life terrible and grounds for acting out.
I would really appreciate your thoughts, but if that was too complex or too wordy, no big deal, you've done enough already and I really want to thank you.
My take on how to deal with others and their resentments is that I cannot be responsible for anyone but myself.
There can be a lot of pride involved with abstinence from whatever form of addictive behavior. I struggle with it myself. But humility seems to be the way to freedom, and so it is a goal to strive for, no matter how hard it may be to achieve.
I believe the job of a recovered addict is to pass on the message to others and to offer one's-self humbly and selflessly. To quote the AA big book: "Practical experience shows that nothing will so much insure immunity from drinking as intensive work with other alcoholics." There are specific instructions in the book on how to carry that message based on the experiences of the 100 authors who found the earliest long term sobriety that any group successfully had.
There are some harsh voices out there and maybe some may treat someone who isn't recovered as inferior. But the job of the recovered addict is to pass the message, to try to be helpful to the addict who still suffers.
If someone is making others feel inferior, I would try to feel some compassion for them; again, because I believe humility leads to freedom.
On the other hand, I would have to question if I feel inferior, is it not a self-imposed feeling? Am I ashamed of my own sobriety, my own difficulties, and am I making assumptions of what someone's intent is based on fear?
I believe I am responsible only for my own peace, and I have gotten some peace by following the 12 steps. And the 12th step specifically says "we tried to carry this message." We don't have to succeed; we only have to try.
Contact me when you get a chance, or anyone actually. Trying to get help with this and I think a 12 step program is probably the only way. I'm not really sure what this site has to offer as I am new but want to get some info from anyone who is succeeding in recover and see if there is any kind of fellowship in this regard.
Dave