In the end, if a spouse really wants to cheat, they can and they will.

We can put filters, but unless the addict wants out of the addiction, the filters are useless. The filters are helpful to limit and create transparency, but they are not the end all and be-all of recovery.

You came across it how? In light of all the trauma you are living with, is it really in your best interest to be searching such things? Try to return the focus back to yourself. There are many horrifying things in the world, but we don't have to expose ourselves to them. Our highest regard is to bring as much peace into our lives as possible.

Alexis: It seems to me that there has always been temptations and resources to cheat if one wants to. And, there are always some folks interested in exploiting whatever means to get there. I found it interesting that I have had access to computers for decades, long before this current sociological phase, and yet, I had no desire, and have no desire to use technology for that. Some people seem to find the availability and sociological support to use alcohol too, but I've never had any desire to misuse it. Some do, and some don't. So, I can't quite blame technology, or availability. It seems to me that there has always been a way for some to choose that path, and that choice is theirs to make.

Along the lines of what Shana said, I think it might not be a great idea for you to be looking into every possible opportunity out there for things to go wrong. In studying ways to cope with depression, I've read that one common problem is rumination -- obsessing on all of life's "what ifs." One starts analyzing everything that could go wrong and becomes frozen in worry.

Yes, there are infinite ways things can go wrong. It does little good to try to shield ourselves from all of them. All we can do is look to ourselves, whether we are acting rightly and whether we are making positive choices in our present circumstances, and hope for the best.

To you all, I sat here laughing at your responses in such that it probably wasn't a good idea to be "coming across" such things. Not laughing because I think your comment was hilarious, laughing at myself because you're so right. All of you. I am making myself more crazy thinking or finding this stuff because yes I have no control over what is to happen or what is out there. I have over analyzed so much and sometimes the little things make me wonder now, or simple changes that I think we may have grown into at this point in our relationship and I question it. So thank you ALL for bringing me back to reality. :)

Alexis: The trauma the follows the wake of a cheating partner is never a laughing matter. The trauma is real, the aftermath horrid. The learning...priceless!

Learninskills, I know what you mean.... I wasn't finding humor in the trauma or pain or finding humor in others pain- I was merely laughing at myself for even getting consumed in thinking about all of that. I was driving myself crazy wondering when in reality it wasn't getting me anywhere. It's that I still sit here trying to make sense of something that just doesn't make sense. And even though we have been doing better since our new counselor, things still pain me like before or differently but nonetheless the pain is still there and I do not believe my feelings are funny- because they are real. :)

Alexis: I feel like when someone as close as a mate chooses to bring hurt and mistrust into a relationship it takes a long, long, time to ever sort it all out. I feel like , in my case, that once the pain receded substantially I could make better decisions. I'm sure you will be more sure of your decisions as things move forward.

Learning skills: Yes like for example we just had a disagreement. I didn't want him to leave me to go shopping even though it was for Christmas presents for me I'm tired of being left behind and tired that I just have to sit alone and not do anything because it's his way or the highway. I simply just stated I didn't need gifts- as I don't nor is there anything I really want. And even still I don't believe Christmas is about presents It SHOULDNT be anyway. I merely expressed my dislike dor him leaving and he got bugged and rolled his eyes and I asked him if he'd talk to me about it and he said no. So I got up kissed my son and said let me know when you're ready to talk and I came down to the lobby. The worst part is- he won't ask me to talk instead I'll be getting a call or text from him for when my son gets hungry. Yes I removed myself from the situation but at the same time I'll still be stuck at square one.

I haven't kept him from hanging out with his buddies, but yes we are married free time isn't as extensive anymore and he already went snowboarding all day Sunday and I just stayed at the hotel with the kids like usual.

I told him we were on this vacation "together" and he just gave me a cold stare. I don't know what I do to deserve this. It makes me feel like I'm just being clingy.

Alexis: Maybe you could take that time when removing yourself from the situation to do something that you like to do, or used to like to do. I know when I was first confronted with all of this I was so accustomed to the "we" thing, I just didn't really remember all of the things that I used to like to do before we even met. So, I started doing some of those things, though I didn't really "feel" like it at the moment. I found that once I did begin I did feel a bit better each time I did something pleasant.

In my case, it was likely a good thing that my H didn't have the desire to go run with anyone. He was far more concerned about what was going to happen next. He knew, without doubt, that the marriage was in serious trouble. And, he knows me well enough to know that by the time I raise my interests to battle any problem, there are serious repercussions upcoming.

He did, however, not realize right away the extent of the damage his behavior had invoked. I often felt the keen desire to leave uncomfortable situations, and I did just that. Once, before all of this, I would stay, be quiet, endure icky feelings. I became unwilling to do that ever again. He came onto many surprises early on. Any control, balance, or manipulation came to a very abrupt end. He lost all control of the situation. That is true because I saw the progression of the nonsense, and, I also became willing to put a stop to it at all costs. That's when the tide changed for me.

I feel like for the situation to change, I had to change, so I did change my responses to him. I saw that I had been far too self-effacing, so I quit that. I saw that though I placed great value on my ability to solve problems individually and internally, it wasn't good for him at all. I came to feel that "he" needed to learn to handle the problems he created. So, I let him do that. Figure it out. Do something positive. And, while he was figuring out what that might be, I began to separate my time and my life from his. It wasn't about "we" anymore, it was about what might induce good feelings for me. At first, that seemed selfish, but, in reality it was necessary.

Learningskills: as I hear what you are saying and agree wholeheartedly that that should be the time I just fill with stuff that I love to do.... which I can do... I just feel like my husband will think that because I found something to do than he can continue his rude, selfish behaviors. It will give him more of a reason not to care.

Either way I spin my scenario he doesn't see the value or importance of spending time together.... Nor does he see what his words and actions invoke. I feel this slowly crumbling to pieces... thank you for your advice.

Alexis: You shared, "Either way I spin my scenario he doesn't see the value or importance of spending time together.... Nor does he see what his words and actions invoke.... he can continue his rude, selfish behaviors. It will give him more of a reason not to care."

I think I understand what you mean. You want to spend time with him, as is normal with someone loved and especially in marriage. But he chooses to be rude and selfish. But, how is just sitting alone, waiting for him, and not doing pleasant things going to help?

Learningskills; that's very true! I didn't see it that way. Makes sense :). And that's what I was referring to in a sense- that he'll see something like "oh well she's finding her own things to do so it's really no big deal that I continue to just doing my own thing when I want, come and go as I please." That's what I meant.... But again- even when we are together it's not like we "are together".... I just know there's so much if like to do also and stuff that interests me and I stay home with him just to spend time or keep the peace. But he doesn't care if I was there or not- or at least that's the message I receive. Thank you for putting that into perspective!

Alexis: Is this man rude to everyone this way? Does he not know that rude and selfish is not pleasant and that no one really wants to interact with someone like that? Does he seem to think that it's a good thing to be that way? Does he think that everyone must tolerate it? How does he react if someone is rude and selfish with him?