Sex / Pornography Addiction Support Group
Sexual addiction, also sometimes called sexual compulsion, is a form of psychological addiction to sexual intercourse and other sexual behavior.
So my husband went to FL for a business trip which he made it very uninviting for us so I ended up canceling to go home and see family and friends. The week was horrible. I hated talking to him because I was hurt; to him it was like nothing happened. I was so hurt that our first anniversary was spent apart and all because of him. He only talked to me if he was talking about himself. He never even asked how the children were, and never called, just text. But again I hardly wanted to talk to him anyway.
When he did text I was short in texting back. I told him I didn't want anymore contact until we returned from our trips and he never responded. A day later he text something small and ttyl. I then realized my request was dumb- after all we are married, so I retracted my no contact request and apologized. To my surprise he actually kept texting me.
Then on Monday he exclaimed we needed to talk about our future and make decisions. I then called him twice (which he ignored) -'d he finally called me back. I asked him what he wanted with our marriage and he flipped his switch.... He yelled at me, accused me of accusing him, brought up (AGAIN) his thoughts on the filters, got mad at me because he felt I wasn't trusting of him, started justifying his trip and daily routines and the guys ages he was with.... Then he told me I was my own worst enemy and hung up on me. I called him twice again which he ignored.
He text me back saying I made him have to walk away from "dinner" to answer my call and I put him in a sh** situation with my question since he was with his boss and a coworker. He then said he didn't bave patience for dumb sh**. And that he'd talk to me when we got back (today).
Every text after that that I sent her read it but wouldn't reply. It really confused me. Then I found myself apologizing for stuff I shouldn't (codependent) and sure enough the next day he was "normal".
He picked us up from the airport today and I will admit even though it hurts me to say, I was not excited to see him. I didn't even want to return. In fact o had come to terms that I would walk away because I sincerely believe he won't change and my gut is telling me he really doesn't want this either. He's been less happy since I asked him to stop viewing pornography.
Once he picked us up he only talked about his trip which already bothered me to begin with. Never apologized for how he treated me or what he said (like usual). Once we got home he said he was going to bed because he was exhausted (I doubt he went to bed early over there even with the time change), he fell asleep by 6pm. Which needless to say he never "talked" to me about anything or spent much time with the kids since he hadnt see them for a week.
My gut is telling me a few things.... That his trip wasn't that innocent, and that he acted out. Also, that I should just leave even if he won't say thats what he wants. We are so disconnected sexually and intimately in general. I feel so alone and so numb. I am no longer angry I am just hurt and mentally drained and exhausted. I feel like he is playing games with me and I dont find it to be very connecting. I am afraid he won't change and I am afraid this is a bigger problem than I thought. And I know I can't fight it for him.
I don't know who he is anymore. He has shut out his mom and his friends and me. He has chosen to do things as thinking like a single man. He has left me to parent alone. And he gets so angry and defensive when I say one little thing or question him. I even got scared to come home due to his outburts. I'm starting to lose respect for him. And starting to think he is having withdrawal symptoms me suffering from something else. I know no one can tell me what to do but has anyone been in a similar situation.
I don't feel like I can just connect with him anymore or be here for him. My feelings are not good feelings towards him at the moment. I feel he had toget away from us and now that he's back he's just falling into his patterns lf keeping to himself. I don't trust him and I do believe he did stuff while away, but he'll lie and in reality he already felt the need to justify the the hasn't done anything questionable. I'm afraid this is not salvageable anymore. He hasn't put up much of a fight for us (his family) and tells me I have done nothing but push him away and mama him feel less than good enough. I am exhuasted. Even his mom is concerned about him. He has been so concerned with fitting in with "the guys" (his coworkers) that he is so into what he does and what they do and that seems to be the only image he has now.
When he did text I was short in texting back. I told him I didn't want anymore contact until we returned from our trips and he never responded. A day later he text something small and ttyl. I then realized my request was dumb- after all we are married, so I retracted my no contact request and apologized. To my surprise he actually kept texting me.
Then on Monday he exclaimed we needed to talk about our future and make decisions. I then called him twice (which he ignored) -'d he finally called me back. I asked him what he wanted with our marriage and he flipped his switch.... He yelled at me, accused me of accusing him, brought up (AGAIN) his thoughts on the filters, got mad at me because he felt I wasn't trusting of him, started justifying his trip and daily routines and the guys ages he was with.... Then he told me I was my own worst enemy and hung up on me. I called him twice again which he ignored.
He text me back saying I made him have to walk away from "dinner" to answer my call and I put him in a sh** situation with my question since he was with his boss and a coworker. He then said he didn't bave patience for dumb sh**. And that he'd talk to me when we got back (today).
Every text after that that I sent her read it but wouldn't reply. It really confused me. Then I found myself apologizing for stuff I shouldn't (codependent) and sure enough the next day he was "normal".
He picked us up from the airport today and I will admit even though it hurts me to say, I was not excited to see him. I didn't even want to return. In fact o had come to terms that I would walk away because I sincerely believe he won't change and my gut is telling me he really doesn't want this either. He's been less happy since I asked him to stop viewing pornography.
Once he picked us up he only talked about his trip which already bothered me to begin with. Never apologized for how he treated me or what he said (like usual). Once we got home he said he was going to bed because he was exhausted (I doubt he went to bed early over there even with the time change), he fell asleep by 6pm. Which needless to say he never "talked" to me about anything or spent much time with the kids since he hadnt see them for a week.
My gut is telling me a few things.... That his trip wasn't that innocent, and that he acted out. Also, that I should just leave even if he won't say thats what he wants. We are so disconnected sexually and intimately in general. I feel so alone and so numb. I am no longer angry I am just hurt and mentally drained and exhausted. I feel like he is playing games with me and I dont find it to be very connecting. I am afraid he won't change and I am afraid this is a bigger problem than I thought. And I know I can't fight it for him.
I don't know who he is anymore. He has shut out his mom and his friends and me. He has chosen to do things as thinking like a single man. He has left me to parent alone. And he gets so angry and defensive when I say one little thing or question him. I even got scared to come home due to his outburts. I'm starting to lose respect for him. And starting to think he is having withdrawal symptoms me suffering from something else. I know no one can tell me what to do but has anyone been in a similar situation.
I don't feel like I can just connect with him anymore or be here for him. My feelings are not good feelings towards him at the moment. I feel he had toget away from us and now that he's back he's just falling into his patterns lf keeping to himself. I don't trust him and I do believe he did stuff while away, but he'll lie and in reality he already felt the need to justify the the hasn't done anything questionable. I'm afraid this is not salvageable anymore. He hasn't put up much of a fight for us (his family) and tells me I have done nothing but push him away and mama him feel less than good enough. I am exhuasted. Even his mom is concerned about him. He has been so concerned with fitting in with "the guys" (his coworkers) that he is so into what he does and what they do and that seems to be the only image he has now.
I can see what is happening here. You are both being passive/aggressive with each other at this point which will not accomplish anything.
My advice to you is find a new therapist, if you have already not done so, work on boundaries and focus on consequences for him which you know you can stick to. The work you do will help you to not try to control him which is what you are doing now. You cannot control him with texts and phone calls. He has to make a decision about his behavior and he has to want to change. Nothing you do will help that along. If you cannot stay or you want him to leave then perhaps that will be his bottom, but he hasn't hit it yet so all you can do is take care of yourself.
You can also work on finding a spousal support group near you. There you can work on getting help and the support you need so you won't feel alone.
I can only suggest to you on what I have done and what I did was write my partner a very long, heartful letter. Explaining all of my feelings, fears and anger. Now I am sure you have alot to write, so don't feel that writing it up on a computer and printing it out for him is less from the heart. I did that because my arm started to ache after a while lol
Also another thing you can do is ask your children have they noticed any changes. If they have, ask about their feelings because their imput is the most important thing and write what they told you at the bottom of the letter after you finished with your side of things.
Let him know that you're breaking and this may be your last attempt on fighting for your relationship and now, it is his turn to show his commitment and love.
Also adding a nice little message reminding him of the good times could get the water workers going lol
Let him know, that your seeking help online. There are porn addicts on here talking it out, asking for advice etc without their wives shoving a gun to their heads. They do it because they want to do it for themselves and their families but as far as you're concerned... he is not doing anything.
Tell him it is time to man up, for his family and for himself. See how your letter goes, and see from there on how YOU should think it should go.
He may be acting out again, no one knows but put that in your letter and tell him to write one back. Get him to write down all of his anger, why he keeps doing what he does, his fears everything. Also, tell him to be truthful even if it does hurt just have it out on the table. It will, in the long run make things easier for both of you and he will probably continue to be truthful and he probably will prefer writing his feelings/thoughts onto paper.
Then both of you sit down and have a talk about it and where to go from there.
I really do hope my suggestion helps you because it really, really helped me. Remember.... you're not alone in all of this xxx
Honestly I cannot think of a recommendation for you - there are ways that perhaps might encourage him to open up, ways that will give you both a chance of success - but it is also possible that he will never let you in. I am not sure I would have ever let my wife in unless she caught me red-handed, which she did. I think my brain was so pickled I would have let the whole relationship fall apart and blame it on her "nagging me" rather than admit to my role in it all.
The only thing you can do is protect yourself, make boundaries, stick to them, and grow. You can do that with or without him, and ideally with a half decent therapist too.
My wife has some very significant boundaries right now - some seem far removed from my actual addiction - but I respect them because they are HER boundaries and HER triggers that I have created a need for. But without me having even the most basic accountability I do not know how she could move forward without leaving.
My only additional advice to you, if you are thinking about ultimatums, leaving etc. is to be absolutely clear to him about what and why. Don't give him the opportunity to make this about something it is not. You both know he is up to something, he is just able to admit it. But let him know that just because you cannot see it doesn't mean you do not know there is an elephant in the room - and it is that elephant that is pushing you out of the room.
I have my boundaries listed and the consequences set forth. My first consequence is detaching from the given situation at the moment for awhile- do I let him know when I am doing this and why? I guess I didn't see that as controlling- I just hadn't talked to him for 5 days and I just wanted a simple yes or no so I knew what we were looking at, but I guess I can see the confusion or downright stubbornness. There aren't any support groups near me- I've checked so much. Thank you!
Ardara, Thank you, I have been actually compiling a letter together after this week especially because I feel he is downright disrespecting me as of lately and being completely inconsiderate, but he just keeps telling me he's trying and that I keep pushing him away. But you are right this will be my final attempt to fight for this marriage.... and I will tell him about this online support though he won't use it on his behalf, he believes he has no problem. Thank you so much for your advice.
I have not told him I plan these ultimatums I have kept them to myself until I know for sure that's where I am headed. I just don't see any way up from here. We are both so hurt- well I can only speak for myself but according to what I guess equality should be he probably feels lost also. I cannot say this is easy for him but watching him go about his days and really just enjoy himself like I used to- is even more heartbreaking to me. But I know that's not right of me that that is just my resentment talking. I hate feeling this way toward him.
I have my boundaries and I guess I haven't been sticking to them much as far as my consequences go. I just kind of get more hurt if any are violated but I know I need to take action for myself. My first one is detaching myself from the situation, the couple times I have done that by sleeping in the spare bedroom- he has not bothered to even care. And by that he says I am pushing him away. I feel like he is playing the victim here, but again, that could just me blaming him. He has yet to admit this is a bigger problem than it seems. And instead of coming outright with asking the addiction question, I plan to tonight- in a straightforward kind way. I don't know what else to do to get him to see the issue- and I know that's not my responsibility or in my control to do so. I just want the man I married and I am not sure I can overcome my powerful emotions on hurt right now. Thank you for your support!
However, I do feel you need to get stronger with the right therapist. Work on gaining strength for yourself and then work on consequences you know you can live with. A deadline is only reasonable if you can stick to it. And what would that deadline entail? Would he move out or you move out? Move towards reasonable consequences and clarity.
Learningskills, its so true what you said, my counselor told me that just this morning. That it is part of his self centeredness to a degree and that of course it's not right.
The very fact that he wont even try says it for itself. It seems to me the writing is on the wall.
I am very new to all of this porn addiction, but what I have experienced with my partner is very much hurtful and what I have read on here, I cannot imagine what the spouses of porn addicts go through.
I don't think they realise, or maybe they do is that they are not just dragging themselves down, they're bringing us down with them too and when we do try to help them, they disrespect us.
It is very selfish behaviour and the very fact he is not willing to make an effort to change says it all. When you're in-love with someone, you make that change. Not just because you need to, but because you WANT to for the one you love.
You do what is right and maybe if you do leave your partner, it maybe be then that he realises what he has done and it maybe then that he will be willing to change. It is very sad it has to go that far, but for your own mind and self worth it maybe the best thing for both of you.
Love yourself enough to know what's best for YOU because from what I have read, you have done more than enough.
And remind him, his addiction wont keep his bed warm at night or put food in his stomach and it certainly wont make him feel loved or cared for and is he willing to loose you for a 5 minute clip?
That's what I said to my partner and it seemed to really hit home to him.
I really do wish you the best of luck. xxx