I to am going through similar problems in my marrige but the difference is that my wife knows of my problem and have been going through a cycle for a few years. im looking for a person with similar issues so we could be each others support...i look forward to hearing from u

Needing,

I would like to know how you have rationalized that the fact that you and your wife no longer have sex absolves you of any responsibility in acquiring this addiction? Are you attempting to blame your wife or the circumstance?

Either way, it does not absolve you one iota, I am not saying it to make you feel guilty but to bring to light, the greatest ruse porn gives us. It is always someone else's fault or something else's fault , so we are not responsible, right?

Actually, we are responsible for having acquired it in the first place, since there was no one holding our guns to our heads, saying "Either you watch this depraved scene and enjoy it to the fullest or the dog gets it"

No one or nothing forces us into unhealthy behaviors, we do so when we erroneously believe something outside of ourselves can fill the void we are feeling. When what should have happened was to address the problem head on, so off we go and acquire this so called escape only to find ourselves now truly enslaved in more ways than one.

So what can we do? Well, we start by taking full responsibility for our active role in the addiction and start a recovery program that will teach us just that. And as we start the recovery, we also have to come clean with our unhealthy behavior because not doing so continues to fuel the addiction.

You mention you are a Christian and I have a few questions for you: When you began to contemplate seeking escape from your situation did it not enter your mind that nothing outside of yourself was ever going to satisfy you? Had you forgotten the parable of the woman at the well where Jesus clearly states he is the only one with living water and everything worldly will always leave you thirstier? Did you forget what St. Paul said about not conforming ourselves with things of this world?

I am asking you because it really baffles me how many believers fall to this addiction when all they had to do was to simply remember the basic tenets and run towards God instead of away from God.

I am not religious, in the least, but this addiction taught me a lot and I by going back to my spiritual life, I realized that I could not recover on my own but I needed to mine my inner reservoir where God lives and from one grace for the moment to another grace for the moment, I was able to not only recover but healed from it.

It was not easy and it was no picnic but my focus was always on how great my God was, instead of how powerful the addiction was. Guess what, the addiction was no match for what God could do but I did my part, and I learned another thing, once I saw through the lies porn had told me, there was nothing new it could tell me that I could ever believe again.

And this is the bottom line: We have to come to a serious decision, if we are to ever overcome this addiction. We are whole and complete and there is nothing we need outside of ourselves. Think about it, if God made the chestnut tree and it gave it everything it needed to have it grow and become a chestnut tree. Why on Earth would he not make us whole and complete for us to have a healthy and fulfilling life?

Please understand that I am simply trying to make you see what your addiction is trying to steer you away from: The truth and the truth will set you free.

Have a great day,
wolf (5 and 1/2 years sober)

From a spouses' perspective, I can tell you that your wife probably wants to be intimate with you, but you have shut her out with your addiction. I begged my husband to get help and he did. For a while our sex life was very normal once again, but because he did not seek recovery, he relapsed and things just got progressively worse.
I bet if you asked your wife how she feels about your lack of sex in your marriage, she would tell you how sad it makes her.
Please take responsibility for your end of the lack of intimacy first before you think about getting some help.

Wolfiepa:

I am NOT saying it is my wifes fault...I am saying that it would be easier to resist the temptations if I had a healthy sexlife with her. I am guilty. If I weren't trying to find a way to deal with this I wouldn't be here.
A little piece of wisdom I heard somewhere:
"The truth will set you free but first it will hurt you,"
I am in no way making excuses for my behavior and I do understand what you are saying.
The reason sex is the most difficult thing to deal with rationally is that it is a normal God given desire-already a part of who we are..
alcohol and drugs or any other addiction are not part of our God given makeup so they are externals that we internalize on our own.
I would welcome hearing more from you
To Shanas1254:
I thank you for your input but my wife does not know about my problem so she has no sadness. Quite a while back I quit asking for sex because I got tired of being turned down or rejected..We have had problems in our marriage for a long time..This is just one of the issues involved.. We are not separated or anything like that, but there are many issues that need to be addressed. But sex is one of the major pieces that make up any successful marriage because it creates not only a physical but also a spiritual bond between two people.
I am sorry for what you went through. Are you still married?
Things are not always bad between us-in fact sometimes it is very good. But her mood can turn in a minute and then she becomes verbally abusive. My suspicion is that she is bipolar to a degree.
Lets just say that it is a little more complicated than it would appear on the surface if you knew us face to face.. I do not say this to get sympathy-only so you will have a little more understanding of my situation. I hope your life has improved.

I do feel like you are looking for reasons to act out. And do not for a second believe that your wife doesn't have a clue. She has a clue, but she doesn't say anything (or maybe she does and you just minimize the problem). I know it all and I have lived through it all.
I also didn't want to have sex with my husband when he was acting out because he had erectile dysfunction which is all too common with addicts. It is a vicious cycle.
Look, if you want to keep doing what you are doing and you believe that this is okay, then why come here? What do you want?
The truth will hurt you because you will need to allow yourself to feel the responsibility of your behavior and it will ONLY set you free when you get into a recovery program like a 12 step program.
Until then, all the excuses in the book won't mean a thing. I've heard each and every one.
Better still, have this conversation with her and see what happens. Transparency is the first step.

I sense a lot of anger and bitterness in your reply. I know you have probably had a lot of pain from this in your life. I wouldn't be here at all if I thought it was alright to be involved in this. But don't take your anger from a past relationship out on me..you know nothing about yet you have already passed judgement on me. I don't for one minute think this is right..I am afraid my wife would leave me if I tried to talk to her about this..

No, not angry at all. I have forgiven my husband and we are still married because he took responsibility for his actions, got help and is still in recovery. He has worked very, very hard on himself in every way possible and he will be working on himself for the rest of his life because recovery is a work in progress as am I as well.
I am just being very honest with you my friend. You need to hear the truth from a spouse because you are assuming your wife is unaware. She is not unaware. She knows something is very wrong, but she, like you, is very afraid to open up the can of worms as it were.
You will have to tell her eventually because you cannot do recovery in secret. Addiction thrives on secrecy and truth is the only thing that really works in favor of recovery.
So get up the nerve to tell her the truth. She will be very upset, but also want to hear it from you. She has been waiting for you to tell her what is wrong. Without the truth, without your recovery, your marriage is pretty much over any way and it is just a matter of time before she leaves you because doing nothing is not the answer.
Please find a 12 step program near you. https://saa-recovery.org/

My thoughts.

1. Looks like you have a made a decision to make the addiction go away, congrats on that.

2. Now is the time to focus on yourself and getting better. If you think your wife is not the best person to help in this journey, that is best up to you to decide. But having someone to support would be imperative, for me it was my church pastor (who actually has since retired, but he helped me get through the most difficult initial phases). Find a support partner or group to help. If you cannot man up to your pastor, approach another church and pastor that you can connect with. You do not have to confide everything on the same day with the pastor, talk about needing help about a very personal addiction and see if you can find the right pastor to help out. I am being detailed here as you mentioned you are a Christian and it will be helpful to work with someone who is a Christian as well.

3. Make a no compromise or no relapse clause. Understand that you have the power to say no. There is no slow stopping this addiction, it has to be ripped off clean and fast like a bandaid. Also have an action plan when the "urge" is strong.

4. Make resolutions to do small good things for your wife. Helping her with cooking, laundry, cleaning are a few things I did (am doing) as part of my program. I recommend a social program for people who are single - such as working with red cross, orphanages etc. But for you, I recommend using your energy to be for your wife, just spend more quality time with her.

5. Take a vacation together, just a good weekend to her favorite place, spend time together to just talk (not about the addiction, but about the good time you have shared). find the fire to reconnect. I watched a lot of movies with my wife as she loves movies. I also cooked her favorite meals and helped around the house a lot. I just made a lot of time for her and that was the key in my recovery.

6. Sometimes we have to become friends again with our wife. Marriage is a lot of work, keep doing the small things and don't expect anything back, even if she gets mad - stay calm and covet her like you did before marriage. Again, confession is not needed at this time. As you are a Christian, take the "Love Dare" challenge and see if that helps.

7. Once you are able to cross the first 90 days, think about a appropriate time to talk about your addiction. You do not have to get into the details, but at some point in the future, the trust needs to be rebuilt based on honesty. Also, if you did what I recommend for the next 90 days, you will know what to do at the end of 3 months.

Good luck, take one step and one day at a time. It is not that difficult, just needs a commitment to get better and following up on the commitment. I also recommend giving the first 15 to 30 mins of your day to God in silent reading or meditation to help be a better person every day.

I am a female with this issue and i just came back to the site after a long time away. I read and it seems like we have the same issue I had before, that there should be a separate board for spouses on the other side of the issue and those here to talk about it . Yes we do need to take responsibility and find solutions but there is also a need for a place to talk openly about it without judgement or someone writing an entire book about how they know better

like a support group, open forum kind of thing. I wish it was still like that in here

needing,
Lack of a sex life is very common when dealing with sex/porn addiction...its more about fear of intimacy then the actual act of sex. She may have her own issues that she is dealing with, lack of self esteem, lack of libido, or she may infact know that there is something off in the marriage. Maybe not really knowing what it is but most spouses know something isnt right...In your post you say that some of your actions are done to lash out, this too is normal for addiction. Addicts use resentments to act out because the guilt is so hard to deal with....Owning that like you have is a great first step in recovery so congrats for that. The 90 days is also a great start to recovery, getting rid of the saved porn, installing a filter, etc to make it harder to watch porn. I agree at some point you are going to have to tell your wife, details arent needed but a open honest conversation about your struggles, and the lack of sex in your marriage too. Chances are your wife will be very angry, and yes some spouses do leave, some for a short time, some for ever. However once you come clean the guilt and shame will no longer have that power over you. my husband was an active addict for 22 years out of the 24 years we were together...i knew something was off as his acting out was getting worse then porn, and yet i still couldnt figure it out. We too werent intimate as often and he too was suffering from ED. I caught him on a sex dating site, and even then for 18 months he still kept all the secrets of the other acting out. He FINALLY came clean in July of 2013, and his road of true recovery started...I was angry, sad, hurt, and traumatized but I am still here....he has been sober now for 2 years and 7 months...and in some ways our marriage is better then ever...it has been a rough road....i can tell you that one of his biggest regrets is that he didnt come clean when i caught him....
You are right sex ( more intimacy) is a big part of marriage, and the lack of it shows that your marriage is already on rocky road. There is issues there that need to be addressed too....but until you stop acting out with porn it will not get better...

I am a female with this issue and i just came back to the site after a long time away. I read and it seems like we have the same issue I had before, that there should be a separate board for spouses on the other side of the issue and those here to talk about it . Yes we do need to take responsibility and find solutions but there is also a need for a place to talk openly about it without judgement or someone writing an entire book about how they know better

like a support group, open forum kind of thing. I wish it was still like that in here "

This is a support group and it is an open forum and anyone can post here. Those of us who post here who are spouses and who are successfully in recovery, have good information for you. Without taking things personally, can you see that there is something here for you that might be worth reading that has value to you, especially if you are strugging?
I have great empathy for addicts since I live with one and I have seen the struggle and the absolute hold that this addiction has on people. Many sex addicts fail for two reasons. One being that because it isn't drugs or alcohol, they think that they are not being compromised mentally or physically and the other reason being that they have so much shame they cannot openly share their struggle in a face to face support group or in therapy, let alone their significant other.
I also understand that most addicts who are still acting out have very little empathy for me as a spouse. They label me as being judgmental, angry or worse (I've been called many names on this forum).
Instead of complaining about others here, how about you just focus on yourself and share what you are doing to combat this addiction. Are you in a support group, therapy? Do you have an accountability partner? Are you abstaining? What works for you, what hasn't worked for you?
Also understand, that this forum alone cannot and will not be the answer to your sobriety or recovery. You need more help than that. There is absolutely no shame in getting help.

I just realized on December 18th a portion of what my husband has been up to.. for years I have asked I have questioned I knew he wasn't being honest with me about so much.. I just knew something wasn't right..
I found proof and brought it up he freaked out on me.. I dropped the subject..
this morning finally I booked a counseling appointment..
Since finding this information I have had to do a lot of soul searching.. to figure out what I could live with.
Because I too have a special situation.. I am in a wheelchair.. So I thought I can UNDERSTAND why my partner is looking outside of our relationship.. than I asked myself some serious questions.. and came to some conclusions that will likely change in the year as I get stronger and healthier..
1. Wheelchair or not he could have came to me and said I am unhappy I need something else.. instead he hid..
2. Ok so go get a call girl.. Somebody clean and safe.. But I get one too.. cause over the past 10 years his attempt of intimacy sex has been so one sided its only fare my needs get met as well.. (yes I am bitter)
3. I move into my own room (cause of financial situation) and he can do what every he wants in his room by himself and he can do what ever he wants outside of the house.. and we just call it done..
So like I said I booked counseling today... I am hurt and angry and betrayed.. my Ego is screaming But I do know he didn't do this to hurt me he did it for a fix.. in the process my self esteem as person as women is destroyed I already felt inadequate now I feel oh so amazing (sarcasm)
I am not sure what your special circumstance is but I don't think there is an excuse for not being honest.. other than the fact your trying to not hurt her.. But you are anyway..

Good for you Soulshine for getting help. It has nothing to do with you. I am an able-bodied woman and I was ready, willing and able so it was not about me. This addiction is insidious. I hope you will find the answer in therapy, just know you are not alone.

It's so important to have others to support you and be accountable too who have are walking through this as well, and I'm glad this site is available to people. I know a lot of the posts I've read reference seeking out a Sexual Addiction Support Group. If it would be of interest to anyone, my husband and I (and our team of 3 couple leaders) host a Support Group every week in Mesa on Sunday evenings. It's free except for the small cost of the workbook that goes along with our weekly study. It's Biblical based using Pure Desire Ministries curriculum. You also mention some marriage issues and our church offers free marriage counseling. We have a large team of certified marriage counselors that do this all for free. They work with us and vice versa as most people coming in for counseling are struggling in this area. Please let us know if we can be of help