Hi Karder, It seems as though you are working on this addiction, and that it has caused a great collapse in your family life etc. It strikes me that you are struggling not to dwell on your predicament, rather than frantically building for your future and your actual recovery.

Are you seeing a therapist? If so are they experienced in SA matters? Regardless I recommend that you at least get yourself into sessions with a psychotherapist, not a counsellor, a proper trained professional to help you reconnect with that boy inside you, embrace him, and move on.

Have you spent time on yourbrainrebalanced and yourbrainonporn? I can't tell you how uplifting it is to learn through other people's struggles that you are truly not alone, and if you think you have it bad there is always someone else who has take it further to the bottom.

I think it is true that you cannot fathom what this has done to your wife. You just need to recognize that anything short of MAJOR, RADICAL, and TOTALLY TANGIBLE RECOVERY is going to give her any encouragement with regard to your addiction. So right now you need to accept and respect her decision to have space, make yourself better, keep her as informed as she wants to be, and actually become the person that you sold yourself to her as.

Aside from the fact that you have buried these feelings for years beneath your addiction, is it possible you are suffering from depression? Please seek some help for this. You may need to be on medication now that you are no longer self medicating. It can make a world of difference for you in how you feel about yourself. You need to have hope in order to continue through recovery.

Bryanhoward,

I just registered to YBR but i have no internet access at home, on purpose to help steer my recovery, the isolation and internet would only propagate a chance to relapse.

I know there are people always worse off - but i read so many posts of spouses who have stayed besides the fallout and the hurt... whilst this is by no means a quick fix, i do feel adrift in some cases.. I still have lots to be thankful for and that is the main thing

I am based in the UK so i am due to see a Therapist in the next few weeks [NHS waiting list was 22 weeks:( ] I did see a counsellor but i believe whilst she was a RELATE counsellor she was not familiar with sex/porn addiction, but talking to her helped though.

Yeah we are separated, my wife made the decision early on as she could not face living together. Her pain is invisible now - it just seems like shes moving on - i know thats not true and she suffers greatly with the stress and burden of my actions.
Im doing all that i can - getting better avoiding conflict staying consist and open where i can and following recovery. Thanks for the good words Bryan, you seem a positive guy and very determined too.. i have read your story and i admire your posts they are thought provoking.

Shanas

My wife has suggested that very thing - that i may be depressed - although i'm nervous to go there until ive discussed with a therapist, many in my recovery groups have warned of taking medication, there are pros and cons... its a lifeline for some for others it can become permanent reliance...and i dont want the shock of knowing i will have them for life, i think recovery is there to be worked all the time to re-progra

But you could be right - medication could solve some things too...

sorry
that meant to say"...reprogramme the brain"!!!

Thanks KArder - staying offline might be the best thing. If you are able to read eBooks I recommend you get YBOP the book - Gary WIlson is awesome.

Bryan:

I have the book on an old kindle - its a great book and lots of insight.. altough im 39 and its slightly catered for the teen/twentysomethings... Marriage and loss arent covered much in it unfortunately. i've avoided dropping it in my wife's lap or any literature for that matter, its her journey to learn and discover - or not - that's her right. My Sponsor advised me not to push literature about addiction on her in the hope she may have a eureka moment.. he did the same and it drove his wife away or was thrown back in his face.

I must share my full story later on here, as i havent yet. Something i should do...

Thanks again for the supports

Yes the website is the same - a little more geared towards the young and single rebooter. I have had to really dig to find input from married men on YBRB but it's there. The bottom line is that I was looking for evidence that a marriage could survive, that my wife might ever trust and forgive me again - but I have learnt that this is not relevant. Even if I find a very similar example to me it will mean nothing about exactly what I have done and how it effects MY wife.

We must stay lazer-focussed on this recovery; if we nail it everything else will blossom and we will find happiness in all of its peculiar forms.

At some point in time, it's not about connecting with people to deal with loneliness--it's about being able to sit with those feelings and coping with them.

I know exactly how you feel. I've been there. Though, as I grew to make good choices despite what was available to me, I grew in self confidence and self esteem. I could understand my worth more.

It takes some time, but you'll be able to see yourself as someone worth something. My life motto now is "A man of self discipline is a man of self esteem"

It doesn't happen over night so be patient. You'll get there. You're awesome to have been able to go for 3 months. It doesn't sound like a lot when you say it out loud, but there are a lot of people who haven't been able to get to where you're at. And as you go further you will feel an even greater boost of self worth.

I'm only 141 days sober of any porn or masturbation and I feel great. I feel like I have control over my life and it gives me that sense of self worth.

Yes it's nice to feel loved, but you need to learn to love yourself, then love other people, then you will feel love in return. The very meaning of the word "love" will change for you and you will appreciate it more when you receive it. And you will also give it more freely.

Hang in there. You're awesome.

I don't want to sound like I'm proselytizing, but I will say that spending time with God has been a tremendous source of hope, comfort and strength for me. For me, my church and formal prayer have been the best ways to connect with God, as well as by being involved in groups focused on God. One can also connect with God and other by doing the Lord's work through charitable activities.

Philippians 4:13.

epratt000

thanks for the insight and the kind words, its obviously my feelings of abandonment and rejection by my wife and her family although their actions are totally predictable. It is my who is projecting their feelings in turn worsening my own and exacerbating the rejection and lonliness. Its a never ending spiral. I have to get away from dependency on others - especially resolving to do things just to 'show' how well im doing. Its a fallacy. Your right i must learn to love myself and do things for me with integrity and honesty with no agenda on how to display a front. mY front will be my sobriety honesty and integrity.

Dlansky

I feel God now in moments of despair - he is coming through the static i had built up - i am reaching out to receive and to offer up my defects and resentments and anger. I will; try to give back to others via charitable acts were i can, and find outlets to offer my help and service to my fellow man.

its slowly dawning on me and its getting there, god loves me no matter what.

Thanks

You can get plenty of advice on here from lots of people. I don't have much advice. Just support. I've been where you are, and I just had to work my 12 step program and focus intensely on my own recovery. That's all I could do. I just want to support you in your recovery, and let you know that my thoughts and prayers are with you, and I hope that you are able to pull yourself up from the abyss and get to sobriety and recovery, rebuild your relationships and have a happy and successful future. Please lean on us for support and questions or advice. Hugs!

Variableknife,

Thank you for the support and i appreciate the kind words, things are a bit better but i still deal with this on a daily basis..

Can i ask about your backstory? I like to hear others experiences as it helps also..

karder,

In addition to the advice you've been given, I would like to offer my "off the beaten path" counsel, as it were.

While it is healthy to let go of your emotions through crying, it is not healthy to wallow in them.

While it is easy to feel sorry for ourselves, it does not have to a rule rather than the exception.

Let's be frank, you are now 3 months into your revery and taking stock of what's been going on during the addiction.

Frankly, and I am not saying this lightly, the nickle has just begun to drop. It will actually drop during the first year when you start finally feeling good about your life and start thinking different thoughts and you'll probably go, "So let me get this right... I literally robbed myself of (insert amount of days of addictive behavior, I say days because it brings the point home all the better, months years, to me are too abstract a number) in this idiotic and moronic addiction." When you reach that conclusion, only one thing should happen, that you will NEVER EVER go back to it, any other feeling will be counter productive and has no place in this epiphany.

Right now, you are simply raw at the bit, truly spent and let's say, empty. These are perfectly normal feelings after an addictive life. I was like that for months on end, I started seeing a clearing on the 6 month when these feelings were intermittent.

However, as someone suggested, time spent with God eases the isolation. What do I mean by that? Not reading the Bible, though it helps to read uplifting verses where God never forsakes or leaves you. Most important and crucial is that you become aware of such presence. How? By doing something rather simple: Stop and hear yourself breathe, concentrate on that, say to yourself that God is manifested through (He is) you. Where you are, God is... Simple, right? Once you become fully aware of his presence, you'll feel what St Paul calls "as peace that passes all understanding" and all worries will fade away.

How do you become the man you should be? The way I did it was to stop being and allow God to transform me. To get me back to the lovable puppy I was once and had abandoned long ago. Would you not know it, it happened and now, I am who I was always meant to be, just as I had asked.

God is hardly finished with me yet. But I no longer fight it, I no longer act as if I knew better. I knew so much that I got myself addicted for 30 years, very smart, uh? I am not belittling myself, I am saying that I indeed, neither do know better nor do I know what is best for me.

As for your inner scared puppy, just be kind and gentle with him, but do not allow him to go on the driver's seat. You are the adult, all he needs to do is watch and enjoy the scenery nothing else.

Just remember one crucial thing, the past is the past, there is nothing you can do about it, except for rectifying your present and resolve never to go back to it. And no, there is no quicksand waiting for you is God is guiding your steps. The only way that can happen is if you start getting smart and thinking you got it under control.

Best of luck on your journey, incidentally, this journey should only be about discovering who you really are underneath all the addictive life and learning all you can from it. Not just not indulging anymore....

Hugs,
Wolf (4 and half years sober)