I was under the impression you switched counsellors?

Oh, Alexis, I know how painful it is. No marriage should be at that place. The choice is how to proceed--working at recovering within the marriage, or working at recovering without a marriage.

You seem confused about whether he is or isn't an addict based on what she thinks. Is this the same counselor you were going to? I thought you were looking for another, more educated counselor who knows about sex addiction.
No one in that room is taking any control and the addict seems to have the final say. Until you are ready to draw a strong boundary around his actions, you will continue to get yourself hurt by subjecting yourself to this nonsense.
Please find another counselor who has studied and is certified in sex addiction because this is what you are dealing with and until he is ready to really want to give recovery a try marriage counseling is a waste of time.

Are you feeling guilty when he says he has no choice but to stop his behaviours? Isn't him stopping his behaviours part of what you want?

If he is speaking as if he is a victim, there is a level of manipulation there--and it is your choice to allow yourself to be manipulated or not.

I'm surprised you refused asking for the 90 day challenge? Even if he were not an addict, could there not be some positive outcomes from that process?

Shanas1254 and Sandcastle...I found a new counselor for me, I needed someone to show me empathy and that they actually knew what they were dealing with. My first meeting with him I felt a ton better after. I was hoping to use him for my individual. I'm so angry sometimes I don't know if I want to recover in the marriage or not.

Him stopping his behaviors is what I want, but the way he says it to me is like it's an inconvenience like I just tore into his happiness so by me leaving that is his only way to continue because I WONT ALLOW IT.

Shanas1254 my boundaries are in place, its just my feelings that are still wild I guess. HE just has yet to put his filter on his phone. I am confused whether hes an addict or just a compulsive user or a just a guy that loved to watch porn. The new counselor I spoke with has experience with sex addicts and their partners he was really helpful just with one visit... I did tell this counselor "that my husband has been viewing porn since he was about 12years old and has said he has stopped, the counselor told me that 'he hasn't really seen anyone that has just stopped viewing it or stopped their behaviors that easily after so many years of doing it.' "
And so with that now I am just praying for clarity. I can only believe what he tells me at this point, or I will be stalking him day and night going crazy.
She told us not to talk about things at home, to leave the nasty arguments for sessions, so I kept my mouth shut and when we went in there last time and I spoke of this sexual intimacy stuff he was blindsided and I said this was what you both wanted.
She said that we should continue having sex because it was a good way to save what was left and rekindle the love... she suggested maybe take a week off from it. I just don't know it doesn't feel completely right yet I guess.

@Sandcastle I've read what the 90 day challenge is on the website but I hear people change it up a bit and I am unsure what works best. The other thing is I want it to last longer than 90 days.

Alexis - Living with an active addict is emotional abuse and that is why you are so completely traumatized right now.
Ditch the marriage counseling. She is not protecting you at all and is encouraging you in ways that will further traumatize you.
UNTIL he can get himself into a real recovery program, impose a house separation with him. Put a time limit on that and if he passes that limit without getting help, ask him to leave.
Put yourself first and foremost.
Good luck!

Can you explain how I can forgive a person who is not even asking for forgiveness? How can a person who suggests their hands are tied behind their back be asking for forgiveness? That doesn't sound like a remorseful, apologetic, request for a renewed chance to me at all. And, in my estimation, hiding anything, including telephone contacts is not a move toward real honesty either. So, if there is not honesty, there is no obvious remorse, and there is no request for forgiveness, then how can forgiveness be accomplished?

Yeah, I figured that's how he was playing it.

The 90 days, to be effective, is from EVERYTHING. no fap no porn no you , nothing. If it were really no big deal, he wouldn't have a problem doing it, now would he? Through the 90 days, though, becomes part of the rock bottom he needs to face himself and see the problem for what it is. When he can't run from his feelings through sex (and we included things like alcohol), he starts to feel overwhelmed, and then sees he hasn't been coping. This was when he became most open to help, and to giving all that crap up permanently.

Here are my two cents about the 90 day challenge... It works if you want it to work. It won't be easy for him, and it won't be easy for you. It takes commitment, maybe going to meetings, changing his habits around to be able to avoid time he would normally spend doing what he does in his privacy.

Whether or not this counselor, or you, want to believe that he's addicted to porn is beside the point. In all honesty, he has to want to change for it to work. I have heard nothing but great things about it from people who were dedicated and have done it, and even continued to do it after the 90 days. I'm so sorry you're going through so much turmoil, but I'm sure none of this is easy on him either.

I wish you both the best. I hope you two continue to get the help that's needed. Marriage is about working through things together. The good, and the bad, remember?

Learningskills you always have a way with words... Thank you and I agree, doesn't seem the least bit remorseful even just a little bit.

Sandcastle I agree. I also felt he would have no problem with the filters but to him it was like he was being treated like a kid AND he has yet to put it on his phone. He has only managed to get it on his computer and he doesn't go on his computer much anymore.

Admire Thank you for you advice, I appreciate it. First I am only going to say that I don't want to suggest things to him and him feel I am insulting him calling him an addict. I by no means want to label him as such and I by no means am looking to do so- but I guess it's me trying to make some sense of his behavior to not take it so personal. And second, I would have to strongly agree with you- for better AND for worse. I guess this just really hit me to my core and I feel like nothing in my marriage like I am not equal because my husband has chosen other sexual outlets. It was like my unconditional love was ripped from me and I hope to find that again for him real soon. I don't want to walk away but I also wont live in a degrading marriage. Thanks again!

alexisday,

So sorry to see your struggle..

I am an addict - i am recovering at the minute and let me say by no means does a person just stop. Some of the fellowships consdier this behaviour as 'drinking' - if i look at porn im taking a drink - if i scan or objectify a woman - i am taking a drink. etc etc

There is no doubt your husband is an addict - his mind is conditioned since twelve - so was I - i still functioned a normal life but i can see now how it rotted and infected my life and informed all i did. I was riddled with fear self loathing and insecurity and i ran to Porn and self abuse to medicate my feelings. i wasn't a habitual user but it came in binges - I am 4 months sober of porn but i have had relaspes and acted out (due to separation fear and isolation) but no porn. I have no Internet at home and my Iphone has been locked down also. The temptaion to lust was overpowering - I have to learn to not want to look.

My wife chose to separate - we are over 4 years married with a 3yo daughter - i carried this disease into my marriage and her reaction was similar to yours now... anger grief disbelief and terrible rage..Accustaions of trickery and invalidation of the marriage. "forsaking all others.." is more apt in this case.

I have cheated on her visually and mentally. Let there be no doubt that your husband is now unable to let go of his pride and he is in denial. His is a 12 yo boy who has been caught, shrugs his shoulders and cant feel his emotions.

Your husband must face remorse - and see his actions and the damage they have done to you. I admire your courage to stay in the marriage but from what i can see its tearing you apart and there will be no future at all for you or him unless you get distance and perspective. believe me there isnt a day i long to hold my wife again and know she wants me..

In my sobriety i am wrestling with terrible emotions - anger/resentment towards my wife for abandoning me and our house being sold - anger at my Father in law and her family for shutting me out ( i acted out in his workplace) - All my own doing and my responsibility.. they ahve done no wrong, but these emotions have been represeed for years and they find an outlet now when i cant soothe myself with addictive behaviours. I know have to work on finding love and compassion even when i feel opposite.

Your husband must walk the line of remorse to see his loss and the pain of his actions. I can probably say for certain your husband is still the man you thought you married - probably kind and decent underneath - this disease makes his thinking selfish conceited and removes any spiritual centre were intimacy and connection reside.

The day he sits in a room of men(and women) and hears the stories of pain and addiction from their lips only then will he know he is at home and see his disease. Until then i hope you can have the courage to do right for you... without that you will be damaged forever.

I find it hard writing this as i am living with resentment and fear that i will be separated or divorced and without the person i loved (i tried to love) but i know from experience that i must let go and surrender. So must your husband

Please do whats right for you now - you are one year married, forget the future and focus on the present and you. This may mean asking him to leave and find his path of healing if he wants it -
and if he doesnt then you will be spared further pain.

God bless

karder14, thank you for your insight. I believe you are right, which is why my husband wont put a filter on his phone, and which is why he felt my boundaries were too strict, and which is why he is unsure whether he wants us to work any more. He said he didn't know. I feel like that is a pretty solid answer. Thanks again, and good luck to you. I am truly sorry for your wife and your circumstances.

Alexisday

I hope your husband brings it into the light, my wife removed the browser from my phone and ability to install apps etc. I still found a way to view 'lingerie' imagery on Gumtree and Ebay whilst living alone because they were on my phone - That is an honest share. I felt so guilty for being tempted and ashamed for not being strong to abstain - i had them deleted immediately.

that was a while ago - since then i have been free but it is all pervasive - sexuality is built into everyone, imagery is everywhere - once it becomes corrupted it is so hard to fix or manage.. you can take a drink or drug away from the addict but you cant control someones sexuality - only they can choose to change.

I hope you and your husband get healing and recovery too - please consider that in order to come back - one must be prepared to go away... only then can you see a wider perspective and so can he..

Thanks for the kind words - only god will decide the future - the present is the only place i can live now.

God bless

Alexis: It took me a long, long time to see that observable behavior is the truth. And, though it hurts, truth is the way to my freedom and serenity. It isn't easy to endure the pain of the realities, but, it is worth it.