I caught my first glimpses of pornography at a very young age. My dad was an engineer and would have specialist construction workers stay over at our home when they were in the middle of jobs. They'd bring The Sun and I would look at the page 3 topless models at the age of just 10.

I then got further glimpses into pornography in disguised fashion through Manga magazines. My mum had no idea what was in them and she would even pay for them for me thinking they were just comics.

I found myself masturbating to them from time to time, and as a child, thought nothing of it.

My first real porn then happened when we finally got CompuServe internet back in the early 90's. I found the Playboy channel and even though I got caught several times by my dad (it was all logged), I still looked and I would masturbate at night in the lounge. I then came across Television X on Sky, and would masturbate in the 10 minute freeview session before the channel started. I even tried to subscribe without my parents knowing, but that went a bit wrong.

Things got a lot worse when I came across a video porn stash in my dads wardrobe. I found out subsequently, it was given to him through a friend, but nevertheless it was there. They were VHS tapes, and I would diligently zero the counter, watch and masturbate, and when done, I would wind the tape back to the same point. 

I got so cocky with it, that I even started to keep a couple of the tapes in my room and watch them at night after buying a cheap VHS player from a thrift store. This almost ended in disaster as it chewed one of the tapes up. I managed to thankfully repair the tape and as I knew the scenes so well, I knew exactly where to wind the tape back to. By this point I was masturbating at least once per day.

Then in 1995, I got my first home PC. It was a 486 SX 33, originally with Windows 3.11, but soon after, Windows 95, and with the help of Aol and CompuServe free trials, I finally had my home dial-up access to the internet.

Very quickly, I found porn thumb nail galleries and would spend hours finding the kind of girls that I liked. Storage of course was limited, but I would create directories and download the JPEG's to that spot, and Zip them up with encryption, and put them on floppy discs. 

I would spend hours into the early hours of the morning watching, downloading and masturbating as a young teen on all sorts of sites. Occaisionally, I would come across teeny movie clips, and of course, as I watched more, it became more hardcore.

As a young boy, I liked younger girls, but I also liked breasts, so I would spend hours finding my "favourite" girls. It would be quite normal for me to masturbate once a day, but there were days I would go without. Even weeks. But I would always return.

I even struck up friendships with some of the girls I found and I befriended one, spending hours talking on MSN chat. She suddenly disappeared one day along with all her content. I never knew what happened to her, but occaisionally I find her stuff in some places.

I then went to uni and this gave me a whole new level of freedom. I was still a virgin, but that didn't last long. My then girlfriend and I would spend hours playing, experimenting and my desire for porn went down.

But as with all addictions, the desire was there and for a period we broke up. As my girlfriend was quite chubby, I started looking for similar other girls. Again, I would spend hours trawling the web looking for the kind of girl I liked and I created quite a collection. I also had DVD burners by then, so I would literally spend hours creating collections and then creating DVD libraries.

I also got my first access to broadband while at uni. We had a 512Kb connection which was blazing fast back in the day. It meant movies became more accessible, and I started trawling for hours of these and downloading them.

As I gained access to more, my desires for more became stronger.

I was also back with my girlfriend then, and I took some of what I'd seen to the bedroom. We experimented more and I asked her to do things I'd seen, which she did, but I also initiated a threesome.

That was horrible. It went so wrong and spelt the downfall of that relationship.

Eventually, I left uni to find my first job. I had another girlfriend who was also very experimental. She was also into porn and we would spend hours looking at it and playing together. She also suggested swinging which I was excited but reluctant to do.

In short, it never happened. I decided to break up with her as I felt she was very broken. But I look back and think, wasn't I broken too?

I ended up moving abroad and my regular porn addiction and masturbation continued. I always made sure I had a good broadband connection as it meant I could get access to movies and I could get my "hit".

I tried so many times to stop by this moment, but each time I did I would last 2-3 weeks and the urge would be massive to continue. I would get moody, depressed and I really needed to masturbate to relive myself. So every time I tried, I failed and came back to masturbating. I think the most I managed was about a month, cold-turkey.

I then met my first, now ex-wife. She was cute, chubby and stunning. I was instantly in love with her. We hit it off, and very soon after getting together we had sex. She was very experimental in the bed and we would do all sorts of crazy things together. We also watched porn together and would copy some of the ideas we had seen. Some things worked, others didn't. She also had very dark desires which disturbed me somewhat, in that she liked to be properly choked, and demanded I throw her about. 

I'm quite a gentle guy so I struggled with this. I don't like to hurt people so the thought of really hurting her for her own pleasure was something I was at odds with.

This sort of pushed me away from physical sex and back to masturbation and I found myself closed away in a back room again, trawling for hours for porn. I also found myself to desire her physically less as she became obsessed with losing weight and the more weight she lost, the less attractive I found her. She would also go out clubbing more and more and I never liked that. It was never my scene.

So that's when I first made a big change in my behaviour. I came across escort sites and would regularly browse through them and wonder, what if....? I would look for bigger girls as I found curvier ones more attractive. "BBW's" as they are known in porn.

I then found out I was going on a business trip to another city, so I started trawling through the escort listings for that city. I found a girl that I really liked. I'll always remember the place she worked. "The Butterfly Club", so i decided I would go and see her, knowing full well this would be cheating....but was it? There's no relationship. No sex. We're just in a weird marriage I thought.

So there I was in another city, I took a cab and found myself at this brothel. Completely legal where I was and I entered. It was my first experience of such an environment and it felt like a porn scene. Girls everywhere, skantly dressed and I was jumped on instantly. I felt unwell with nerves but I saw the girl I wanted to see and went over to her.

It was very straightforward. She was very nice to me, and after paying her, she took me to a clean room and we had sex. She was much bigger than my then wife and I was massively attracted to her sexually. We spent a while together and I left.

I felt sick.

But just like other drugs (I have never taken any drugs), that sickness left and left me feeling with the desire for more.

Over the remaining time in that relationship I visited about 15 prostitutes. All big girls, all to satisfy my sexual desires. I would also get tested each and every time afterwards. I did this all in secrecy and nobody ever knew a thing.

I would also masturbate frequently at home, and my desire for BBW's grew more and more until I was looking at SSBBW's. (Super Sized Big girls).

I then got divorced from my wife. She left me for another man. I was distraught at the time. I now look back and wonder why. I didn't really want her anymore. I had no attraction to her and I think it was just the shame of the divorce.

I move away to another country and ended up having many many relationships with other women. I wasn't in a relationship any longer. I didn't have to hide it. I could just meet, date and possibly have sex. I was always polite and would never push for anything. I think my age, my newfound confidence helped a lot. I never found it a problem to convince a girl to sleep with me. It was all very amicable and weirdly some even knew of each other but they didn't mind. All the women were educated, professionals (lawyers, teachers, directors), really smart girls but I just seemed to have a knack for them.

However in all that time, I masturbated regularly. Daily in fact. It was just part of my routine. But I would also continue looking at escort sites, and my favourite was a particularly large directory with a lot of very large girls.

One that I came across was called SSBBW Ruby. I hadn't seen an escort since I moved away from my last city, but this one really caught my attention. She was 480lbs and had a very pretty face and for some reason, I really wanted to visit her. Weirdly, I like big girls but not that big, however my head became infatuated with her.

During that time, I also met a nice girl online and I had started building a relationship with her. This was after a very long string of short relationships. I didn't want the committment, but this girl was different. I liked her.

But I really had this infatuation with this escort, so I decided just one last time. I would see her and that would be that. Never again.

I met this girl and I was genuinely astonished at her size. She was very polite, well mannered and seemed very educated. She invited me inside and I explained why I wanted to see her and she was very understanding. She was also incredibly careful not to hurt me with her size. We played around and it was an "interesting" experience. I walked away thinking, that was that. I would get tested and start this new relationship.

Unfortunately as with all things, it didn't work that way. My intentions were good, my actions were bad.

I obviously went back to masturbating, but now using this SSBBW escort as material and I wanted more. The seed was planted.

I now had this new relationship but it was a difficult one. It was long distance and while together, we would have a lot of sex, and I enjoyed my time with her. But when we weren't together, it was a difficult one. I would masturbate a lot but I didn't see any escorts.

Eventually, she wanted to move closer to me and this didn't sit well with me. I liked her. She was fun, quite pretty, but not my "type". It even go so bad that on her last trip, her flight was delayed by four hours. I didn't know what to do with myself but I went past a brothel, and stupidly thought, why not?

Inside I met a very curvy young girl and we spent some time together. It was ridiculous what I did, but I did it. I then met up with my then girlfriend when she later landed, and thank goodness in my subsequent test I had nothing. (I have never caught anything (miraculously, and am still always very careful, but how careful can you be with a prostitute?)

I did leave this girl and once again, I was single. Still masturbating probably several times a day at first in frustration but down to daily eventually.

I did meet other girls. More curvy types, and then I decided to change my online dating profile to seeking BBW's only. Why the heck not?

That's when I met my now wife. She is stunning. Seriously. Stunning.

I am completely and utterly attracted to her physically and sexually. We had an amazing time together. I never felt more sexually attracted to a women than my wife (I still am), but I still masturbated. The interesting thing was she wanted to have mutual masturbation. I found that very hard to do, so it never lasted.

Anyway, we got married. Amazing. We had a great time together. Amazing. And we had a child together.

Up to that point, everything was amazing.

But then after having our child, her libido vanished. It went from having sex almost 3-4 times a week to once a month, then once every 2-3 months, to once every 8-12 months. 

The worst part was I am huge attracted to her so I would try everything to have sex. Every time I saw her, I would be turned on and even today I feel the same. She is stunning.

But I wouldn't get any sex.

So as you might imagine, masturbation went through the roof, and then COVID happened.

I began working from home. It's been the best, yet worst thing for me. I could now see my family more, but being alone in a room meant excuses to masturbate. I would find mountains and mountains of porn, I found the use of OnlyFans and I also starting using live cams.

My sexual relationship with my wife was now at rock bottom, but also our personal relationship began to falter.

I felt disconnected and very alone. I have no family near where I live and again, escorts came back to play.

After some mental deliberation, I decided to go and meet with one. She was lovely. I'd seen her photos. She was older than me, very curvy and I didn't want to have sex. Just oral as I felt that would be "ok". How stupid were my thoughts?

I then began to seek more girls and in the past year I've seen 6 escorts, 8 times. All older and very curvy.

It needs to stop.

I need to reprogram my mind. It's not ok.

I need to reduce how much I masturbate. It's not ok.

I need to find a way to reduce my desires and just work on my relationship.

I know my wife loves me. I adore her and I know the next stages are not going to be easy, but I don't know where to start so I need just a little guidance and support.

So there's my story.

Can anyone offer some support and guide me?