Hi everyone,

I saw a post on here that's kinda similar to what I'm going through right now, so I hope it's ok that I'm sharing these kinds of thoughts on here. I'm not sure if what I have is a sexual or pornography addiction, I'm more so addicted to thinking really perverse thoughts recently and they're starting to scare me. I've always been a fan of pornography as well as reading erotica, but recently my fantasies have been mirroring some of the trauma I experienced as a kid. I was sexually abused at about 6 years old, and sometimes I imagine myself back in that position. I've done some internet research and this could be something called reenactment, where reliving the abuse in a sexually gratifying way helps people feel better. But I feel worse and I hate that this is happening. It's painful and pleasurable and a whirlwind of confusion. I literally feel like I'm living a nightmare but I don't know how to stop.

Anyways, the reason why I'm coming on here is because I'm worried that my searches will become worse and worse and I'm terrified of this whole situation. Right now I haven't really searched anything bad, just clicked on videos of girls who look like me and look a little on the young side on pornhub. I've also watched a few of the roleplaying videos where it seems like someone is younger than they really are. The whole thing disgusts me and I feel physically sick after I've watched it and enjoyed it. I would never want to hurt anyone or cosign on someone getting hurt (which is basically what you're doing if you watch those kinds of videos), so why is this happening to me. I've never in my life felt the compulsive need to put my self through these horrific rituals. It only started a few months ago. If anyone has experienced something similar, please help me!