Bal,

I am going to say it like I see it, you do not have to agree with it or like it for that matter but I am not one to shy away from the obvious.

I think I wrote this on another post of yours but I supposed it was missed so I will repeat it differently, as someone who is working with codepedent and addiction issues four months ago, it is really extremely unwise and unhealthy for you to be involved with anyone let alone commit yourself to a relationship so early in your healing process

At this stage, there is no way you can have a healthy relationship.given all of.your issues of lack of self worth and other no so goodies. So my suggestion is to, as I said before, work on yourself without any distractions, yes I am suggesting that you take a complete break from this new relationship to work on yourself and, no she is not your last shot at a relatiinship either, so do not panic.

Who knows? Provided that you do the required work on yourself and resolve your issues, you may no longer want to resume that relationship, it has been known to happen because we have changed and change is good.

Actually having sex with gazillions of women will not only not make better in the sack but will also make you a worse human being because you will end up viewing women as objects, but that is not why I am writing this

You want to have this relationship while working on your issues, it is like wanting to have your cake and eat it too, given your particular situation it does not work that way. I had to do the same, after I saw myself getting involved with rather one unsavory character after another.

My therapist suggested, I stopped dating altogether and it is true I was adamant but in time I saw she had a serious and valid point, it was the best thing I did for myself.

Another thing, how can you feel lees valuable? Do animals feel less valuable when they see other animals? No, they know they are whole and complete as they are, and smaller animals know how to make themselves bigger to avoid a threat

This comparison thing you are doing is very detrimental for you, quantity does not equal quality. It never does, why do you not aim the best you can be for yourself and stop trying to be something you are not so.you can loved and accepted? This part of codependency leaves you a very bad disadvantage

The crux of my post is this: Your opinion is the only one that matters, love and accept.yourself exactly as you are right now, and you will see those issues you worried about were just junk you told yourself or others told you and they never had anything to do.with who.you really are

As Wayne Dyer said: When you change the way you look at things, things change as well.

Wolf (5 years sober)

Yes, I remember you saying this but I saw things differently then.
Now I think you may be right and even I have thought of this, that if I just stay friends with hits girl for now and let myself recover, then I might not want her any more. I'm becoming to accept this. I don't yet know whether I want to take a complete break from her. That's the reason I'm flying to see her next week, to see who she is who I am. I think she, too, might have got attached to me, other than fallen in love.

I think I'll probably keep in touch with her as friends and take advantage of the physical distance between us. I've already told her to let's stop chatting on facebook and let's talk on skype and on the phone instead. This way I've stopped constantly checking my phone, waiting for her messages, and I'm already feeling a lot better than a few days ago.

I went abstinent of porn and masturbation just about when I got to know her, about three months ago. Someone in another group has suggested that my brain chose to use her as a substitute for the dopamine rush that porn used to give me. It makes sense to me, and this together with my tendency to be codependent screwed me up. I'm feeling a lot better now that I know what I'm dealing with, I have a plan, and I've managed to distance myself from her at some level.

Regarding what you're saying about the animals and comparison, this is not what I consciously think. This is what I feel. I know it's nonsense but it's hard to consciously control it. I'm not worried right now, everything is fine :)
I've got what I asked for, I think.
Overall, you've given me useful advice.

Thank you very much!

I have to say that it sounds like you are very open to learning about yourself which is an excellent sign of healing! Good for you!
Sounds like keeping this woman as a friend is a good thing right now.
Keep working on sobriety and recovery.
Eventually a healthy relationship and a good attitude about sex will come your way and you will no longer worry about not being experienced enough.
What really matters is what is in your heart and soul.

Thank you for the kind words. It feels good :)

I think sexual dissatisfaction is inevitable when we try to make sex into something it was never meant to be. It is meant to be a sign of complete unity between a man and woman. It isn't meant to be just for fun or even to be an expression of momentary affection, but it also isn't meant to be our primary source of joy in life.

It used to bother me that I have only had sex with one woman (not counting the imaginary sex with pornographic images that I was addicted to), but now I realize that people who have sex with one partner after another, or even people who go from one serious relationship to another, never seem to find satisfaction that way. People do, on the other hand, find lasting joy sticking through the ups and downs of a marriage. The only thing I missed out on by not having sex with more women is the momentary pleasure that would ultimately have left me empty.

dlansky,

That's what I need. It sounds like you are in a happy and honest, intimate relationship with your partner. Have I got the right impression?
I've started to realise this too but it takes time to make my subconscious believe it completely.

What was your process, dlansky? How did you get over regrets? Please, you're advice may help me a lot!

Also, I've read that men are genetically conditioned to want to have sex with as many women as possible because of the continuation of the species. (Sorry if I phrased awkwardly) Is that really so? Is this f8cking urge, craving ever going to leave me alone?

Thank you.

Bal01,

Yes, I would describe my relationship with my wife as intimate, happy and honest. This was not always the case, and I would say that the porn-culture mentality was a huge part of the problem.

I don't buy that men are designed to hunt for as many women as they can to spread their seed everywhere. If that were true, the men who hooked up with the most women would be the most content, but that doesn't match what I've seen in real life. What I've seen is that the more partners a man has, the more empty he becomes. On the other hand, I've met plenty of men who are happy and content with one woman in a successful marriage.

I shudder to think how our world would look if we lived according to the "spread your seed mentality." Either men would have to have multiple wives or or be part-time or absentee fathers. Since about 105 men are born for every 100 women, most men would either be without a partner, or women would have to father children from multiple men, tearing away at the concept of family. We are seeing that more in society today, but I can't see it as a good thing. Plus, STDs would be far more rampant.

Of course, we are designed to be attracted to women, and we retain that ability even after marriage. Perhaps that's so we can fall in love again should our spouse pass away at some point.

In any event, the message of pornography is that we should act on every attraction. We reinforce that message by doing just that when we masturbate to physical or mental images of women we find attractive, and orgasm is a pretty powerful incentive, even when self-induced. But where does that leave us? Alone, unsatisfied and less able to bond with women.

As to how I overcame my addiction, the book "Breaking the Cycle" be George Collins was helpful, as was the site yourbrainonporn.com and the forum at yourbrainrebalanced.com. But much of the battle was spiritual, and prayer was a key weapon in that battle.

I set daily goals and had healthy activities planned for when I got bored or needed a break from my work. I emphasized and still emphasize mindfulness, paying attention to what I'm feeling and positive ways to address those feelings. I spend more time with real people and less time online. I think beyond the moment -- porn and masturbation might feel good while you're doing it (but never as good as you hoped), but they leave you feeling miserable afterward.

I have blogged a bit about my recovery experience at cimachol.wordpress.com if you wanted more info.

That was useful. Thanks very much!