Hey I don’t know where to start with this so I will just go with what flows. I am a 20 year old male and I’m on the brink of collapse. I have always found porn to be a gateway to a way of feeling good due to my low self esteem and anxiety. It kind of feels like my lifeline in a way. If I was ever stressed from school or an unfortunate event happened; it would ease me like nothing else could. Well I had been dating my girlfriend for almost 2 year and a half started in Nov 2019. She never had a problem with pornography in general because she watched it too. But around the quarantine period I got into onlyfans. I would not subscribe but go on reddit to find the women on onlyfans for free. I also joined a discord too. Which to me didn’t seem so weird. I always thought porn addiction was somewhat normal due to instagram and twitter memes. It was always a joke that everyone made me feel normal. Anyways my girl friend found out about reddit in October of 2020.  She said she felt betrayed. I kept trying reassure her that it was normal. But as I kept talking I just felt really shitty trying to pass this off as acceptable. I had videos saved on my phone trying to defend it. Realizing I did go to great lengths to see other women naked. This is when I became wary that what I was doing was far from normal. I talked to her and I let her know that this wouldn’t happen again. It was a promise I made. I did still to continue to use porn a hyper amount because that was not the issue at hand. But should have wanted better for myself. Fast forward to February 2022 I basically relapsed. I saw a model I once used to really fantasize. She popped up on my instagram explorer page. I looked at her profile just to see and I saw she had a free onlyfans (She did not have one when I first discover her though). So then I looked at some of her recent post. Then I just kept scrolling and scrolling looking at more and more. just eating it up... Then I was on the website making an onlyfans. I used an old email I didn’t use anymore. But when created the account and attempted to follow her, it asked for my credit card info. That is what woke me up in the moment. Right after that I went to just a normal porn website. I tried to shove it under the rug and forget about it because it’s just something I regretted right after. It would also break her heart If I did. Bringing up to your girlfriend that you relapsed just didn’t feel like an option. How I fell for temporary pleasure at the cost of my relationship disgusted me. I hated myself for a week. But as time went by I forgot about it and moved on. Weeks pass and my girlfriend and I were just going through my gmail and questioned why I had so many accounts. All of the others had nothing bad in them and then I realized the one. The one email I had used and really forgotten about. The sign up email just sitting in the inbox. I attempted every excuse in the book to tell her she could not see it. I tried gaslighting her and going to great lengths so she wouldn’t open that email address. I ended up telling her the truth after a couple of more fibs. We are now apart and aren’t on speaking terms. She didn't deserve that. I really love her and we've already been through so much. I honestly can't see my future without her. The chances of us getting back together are slim to none. But whether we get back together or not, I just want to get better. I really want to strive to better myself and my future friendships or relationships. Again porn was not the issue at all between us but more of an issue for me. I can’t seem to keep a hold of myself. So I feel as if I just need to cut the temptation from the its roots. I don’t know If I should stop masturbating in general or just to find an alternative. What do I use as my alternative source of stress relief? I have so many questions and I just need help. 

My writing is very faulty so please excuse the errors.