Sex / Pornography Addiction Support Group
Sexual addiction, also sometimes called sexual compulsion, is a form of psychological addiction to sexual intercourse and other sexual behavior.
Today was bittersweet! Emphasis on the bitter. I am a sex addict. I have been sober for one week from compulsively chatting and masterbating onling. While I was preparing to DJing tonight she took my hat and asked how she looked in it. I said OK and I kept working. Well that just opened up a big can of worms! She was down and I could see it. I asked her what was wrong and she told me she was upset because I said that she just looked ok. I told her she was wearing the hat funny. Next, I had to go and set up my equipment for the gig. I asked her if she wanted anything and she said that she wanted to talk, so I stopped to talk. "You said I look ok because you spend all of your time chatting online with sluts! I left. When I came back she was furious, Yelling and screaming at me. She followed me this time while I continued to set up my equipment. On out way out of the room she slammed the door so loud that the whole hall shook. She yelled at me during the whole walk across the casino, spreading all of my secrets and compulsions for any eavesdropper to hear. Then she hit me. I was pissed off. When I returned to the room the housecleaner was fidgeting with the door. She said that it was broken and it wouldn't open. She called the maintenance guy to come over to fix it, but before he arrived i fixed it. I was really pissed and I wanted a drink so I could chill out before my gig. This pissed her off again. I left, but instead of getting a beer, I got a chili dog. I returned to the room to continue preparing for my gig. I prepared my music and took a shower. Then she took a shower and it took two hours. When she came out she yelled at me for eating without her, kicked me and slammed the door again. Once again the door was broken. I left and had a great time working until two. I kept expecting to see a text from her, or to see her in the new dress that I bought her for New Years. It never happened. After work I went back to the room, I didn't know what to expect. When I got there the inside lock on the door was engaged. I used my room key to push it open so I could open the door. She was in the room, naked and disoriented. She said she was hungry and she left to get some food while I returned to the casino to pick up the rest of my gear. I dropped off my gear and left to the other club for a few minuted because I just didn't want to be around her. When I did return twenty minutes later she accused me of throwing up all over the room. There was throw up all over the nightstand and one of the beds. I finally figured out that she had been drinking the whole time she was in the shower and thats why she was so violent before I left. I laid down for a few minutes, but I just didn't feel right so I started to pack. She flipped out and started to yell at me again. This time I could tell that she was very drunk. She call my friend eddie who was also in town and told him that I was acting crazy and that she was scared I was going to leave her. She really put on a show for Eddie and Eddie said he would take her home in the morning if she wanted. Eddie did not want me to drive home, especially with the speakers that I borrowed from him and I totally understood. At that point, I just didn't feel safe. I was afraid she was going to get violent again. I was afraid that I would need to defend myself and I knew that if I had to defend myself the rage that had been building up inside of me would not be controllable. I tried to leave, but she got in the way. I grabbed a wash clothe and wet it so I could clean up the throw up on the dresser, I felt sorry for the house cleaner. I pulled out my camera phone so I would have proof of her acting crazy, to show everyone that she was lying she saw me pull out my phone and she flipped out. She grabbed the wash clothe and started cleaning, while I ran out. She followed close behind, because she was afraid that I might leave her. I went to the casino and sat down. I just wanted to be somewhere with people. While I sat, she contented to belittle me. I started to cry a little on the inside. She said that she was going back to the room to sleep in the bathroom with my computer so I wouldn't leave her. I ran to the room. I thought about pushing her out the door before I got in and then locking the door from the inside so I could get some peace. I didn't. She threw up again. I started to write. Now she wants me to take her home instead of Eddie because she says it's my responsibility. She wouldn't leave me alone about it so
i just lied and said I would. I'll be honest. I'm way too scared to be in a car with her for four hours. I'm afraid of what she might do to me and I'm afraid of what I might do to her. She just asked me to take her to the hospital because she said she was throwing up a lot of blood. I looked up the directions and told her that I would take her. She changed her mind. Now she is asleep and I'm sitting here watching the sun come up in 2011.
i just lied and said I would. I'll be honest. I'm way too scared to be in a car with her for four hours. I'm afraid of what she might do to me and I'm afraid of what I might do to her. She just asked me to take her to the hospital because she said she was throwing up a lot of blood. I looked up the directions and told her that I would take her. She changed her mind. Now she is asleep and I'm sitting here watching the sun come up in 2011.
Of Course I would run like he'll from anyone with this much chaos going on with them but then you aren't me so that isn't much help.
I do know that like me both of you must have suffered some chaotic childhoods to think that this is somehow worth continuing to deal with. So Whar I can offer is what worked for me in dealing with overwhelming emotions.
Depending on you access to funds The first thing I would suggest is to do an inpatient "Survivors one" workshop at "The Meadows" in Arizona. This usually lasts for about a week. If you can not afford the money or time for this I would next suggest a trauma therapist trained by Pia Melody of the Meadows. You can google Pia and the meadows for referrals. Also I would get Pia's books and workbooks on codependance as soon as possible. If you are interested in per suing this any further let me know and I'll get you more info.
Lorilou
But she's not here, you are, so I'm going to point out something I see in reading this that might, maybe possibly, help keep this from escalating like that again if you choose to stay with this woman.
When I read your part in this, I saw a man who is running away from dealing with the wound he caused. You have every right to feel good about your sobriety, but for her, that's not real yet. It takes a long time of consistent change and intimacy before it starts feeling real because we (SOs) don't know or understand what you (SA/PAs) are doing or why. It makes no sense to us. It brings out the worst part of our personality. Insecurity, violent rages, sullen withdrawing, depression, mania... whatever is in there, in the darkest place of our spirit comes out when we are having an episode. This is her acting out.
And you have every right to call the police if she gets violent with you. Get away from her. Just remember that self-defense is not doing to another what has been done to you, it is the minimum required force to get you to safety.
And please, understand that she needed a reaction from you. To understand that you see the pain she is in. That her feelings are important to you. I've been in this kind of crazy spiral myself (I'm a rage/ violent SO too) and if I could scream what I'm feeling when I was in that place it would be "HOW LOUD DO I HAVE TO GET BEFORE YOU'LL HEAR ME?!?"
Lorilou
A good counselor might help. Until then, if you want to be around her at all, talking calmly is the best thing you could do. Violence isn't ever ok. Not for her...not for you. So, if that happens, leave until she gets a grip on her emotions. That...could take a good long while.
Ever tried to help a severly wounded animal? They defend from danger and they'll bite. Often they must be sedated to allow help. Sounds like she's trying to self-medicate with alcohol. Not good. My psych told me that most frequently those who have suffered deep betrayal turn to drugs, alcohol...anything that seems to dull the pain. Not good. And that...in a nutshell...is what you're seeing...a very wounded person. She'll recover someday.
And it might help you to know that anger is not the primary emotion going on with her. It's a secondary emotion brought on by fear. When you speak to her and she's angry, try to speak to her fears instead of her anger.
My Hs therapist informed him that is the normal response. And...that it was going to be around for a long...long...long time. He was right...it was. The therapist told him that most perps can't handle the rage that betrayal brings...and they run right quick. And that if he was ever going to be up for the running...right away is best. And if he couldn't find it in himself to take the heat....it was best to get out right away....better for him...better for me. But, if he was reconciled within himself to try and restore the relationship that his betrayal destroyed, he'd have to endure it.
He also asked him what it was he thought he could do to restore the trust and faith his behavior destroyed. Good question.
So, it's up to you what position you choose to take. You didn't expect anger? If not...then what?
Just a note: We may not be clear as to what you mean by anger. If you mean she just now started getting angry after finding our about betrayal and did some not too smart things like the drinking issue, yelling a lot and manipulating your friends then while this is a bit on the extreem end of the spectrum as to what you can expect with betrayal I can tell you that there are ways that you both may be able to work through this as most therapists will tell you recovery alone is much harder than with the person you love.
But if in fact you are dealing with someone who has shown signs of instability for a while now, someone who is physically abusive, who can get you into trouble with the police, financially or evicted etc. than you are right that she is a loose cannon and can cause a lot of damage that would pretty much make it impossible for a healthy
recovery.
I ink we all here have a different idea of what you are talking about more or less injecting our own situation into your drama and this is
the reason for the wide range of reactions.
Hope this helps.
Lorilou
But then, I don't know how she really is. I know how I am, and Lori's right, I do insert myself into your story and speak from my own experiences. Maybe a break up is the healthiest thing. I know for a fact that I wouldn't stay with someone who had hit me in anger. No way, no how. And it would be for their safety as much as for my own.