Sex / Pornography Addiction Support Group
Sexual addiction, also sometimes called sexual compulsion, is a form of psychological addiction to sexual intercourse and other sexual behavior.
I've been struggling with porn and sex addiction for over a decade. Less than a year ago I finally made the decision to enter recovery. I began going to therapy--which I still attend regularly--and attending SA meetings, though I have not been to a meeting in quite some time. Though I generally identify as heterosexual, over the years I've had many anonymous sexual encounters with men I've met online. Trolling for sex on craigslist is definitely what I would consider one of my "bottom line" behaviors. Another one of these behaviors would be excessive porn viewing (primarily heterosexual), sometimes accompanied by popper consumption.I've recently began dating a wonderful woman whom I am absolutely crazy about. I've been completely open and honest with her regarding my past and she accepts all of it and does not judge me. We even had an agreement that allowed me to engage in sex with men as long as I was forthcoming with her regarding my activities. Two days ago, I arranged a meeting with a man through craigslist. I arrived at his apartment and immediately discovered he smoked crystal meth. This made me uneasy but I did not leave. The two of us undressed and I began to perform oral sex on him. In my heightened state of arousal, I decided that I would like to consume some meth. After 5 or 6 hours of illicit drug consumption and vigorous oral sex, I finally left. I immediately drove to an adult bookstore and purchased a vile of poppers. I went home, turned on some porn and began masturbating. I then decided I would patronize another adult bookstore, as in my drug-fueled state, I had determined I wasn't done engaging in sex with men. I walked through the front door, received change for a $20 bill and then headed back to the arcade. I entered an unoccupied booth, sat down, fed some money into the machine, took a hit of poppers and began masturbating while viewing porn. Several minutes later a curious individual made his presence known outside of my booth and I invited him in. I then proceeded to perform oral sex on him. After he ejaculated he exited the booth and no less than two or three minutes later another individual entered. I performed oral sex on him as well. I then headed home and proceeded to view pornography and smoke cigarettes until sunrise, as I was coming down from the crystal and unable to sleep.
Since these events transpired, I have been absolutely racked with guilt, shame and remorse. I am, quite frankly, devastated. Over the course of the past 48 hours I have been exceedingly hard on myself. I've hardly slept and hardly eaten. I cannot stop replaying the events of that regrettable evening through my tortured mind. I just want to curl up in a ball and cry. I want this feeling to go away. It's as if I'm living a nightmare. I want it to stop. I feel broken. Irredeemable. I feel like a pervert; a deviant. I feel completely out of control. This is no way to live.
In my experience, and from witnessing others who have these problems, after we act out our feelings seem to "panic" and feed us not so clear or truthful information. The feelings are guided by guilt, remorse, self-hatred, etc. Should you really feel guilty if there is an illness inside of you that won't allow you to not act out, if in denial? Should you feel remorse if you were just being compulsed by the illness that had it's own agenda? If you're a homosexual, or bi-sexual, those are not grounds for self-hatred, unless there is still some improper teaching in your head that those sexualities are not acceptable to God, which we all have the knowledge now to know is not true.
The biggest hope I see for you is your honesty, thank you.
Thank you for your reply. You've given me much to think about.
@TailorSailor -
I don't want to start a religious debate here, but I don't think it's our place to redefine what is acceptable to God.
The next time you feel like replying to one of my posts, please refrain. I came here seeking compassion and understanding--not reprimands and scare tactics. Feel free to take your ignorance elsewhere. God bless.
And as far as your suggestion that my therapy has not been effective, I disagree. You don't know what other issues I've tackled successively in therapy; what breakthroughs I've made. I have made much progress. I've been in therapy for less than a year. I'm not going to change over night. I experienced a setback, a relapse. I'm sure I'm not the only one.
Look, I apologize for the curt response earlier. It's just that your response wasn't the one I was looking for. But I do appreciate your honesty and feedback. Thanks for taking the time to read my story and offer a response.
I was not trying to be hyperbolic in my response. I worry about the well-being of anyone who is engaging very high-risk behavior, and death or jail are not unlikely consequences of some of the behavior you've described. There is a reason that the American Red Cross asks men, prior to accepting their blood donations, "Have you ever had sex with another man since 1977?" When it comes to using recreational drugs, there are the risks associated with the drug itself (which can include arrhythmias, heart attack, stroke and seizures, as well as injuries due to violent behavior, in the case of crystal meth), but there are also risks associated the poor decisions people make while under the influence.
Then there's the risk of meeting strangers in private places. Just last week, I heard on the news about a man who met a woman on Craig's List who had her male friends rob and kill the guy. A childhood friend of mine was murdered under similar circumstances -- at age 18 he went off to be alone with two women he'd just met and their boyfriends were waiting there to kill him and steal his car just for kicks.
The jail reference isn't hyperbole, either. Obviously, people get arrested all the time for use or possession of controlled substances, or driving under the influence thereof. I know that at the porn shop I used to visit, the police would sometimes conduct sweeps to catch anyone engaged in illegal activity. (Apparently prostitutes sometimes showed up there, but the police would arrest guys even for things like masturbating in the booths.)
My point is that I do not want anything like that to happen to you. This isn't behavior that it would just be nice to change -- this is behavior that could have permanent consequence. I am wondering if your therapist or another therapist might be able to offer resources to help you halt that behavior immediately and more quickly determine a course for lasting change.
Have you been successful in making a change? If so, if would be interesting to hear how you did it.
I've read that while pornography addiction is very inwardly focused, other sex addictions are focused on making a quick, intense but temporary connection with others. Therefore, I tend to think that the approach to recovery would be a bit different. I know about recovering from pornography addiction but never had to deal with an addiction to random hookups.