Sex / Pornography Addiction Support Group
Sexual addiction, also sometimes called sexual compulsion, is a form of psychological addiction to sexual intercourse and other sexual behavior.
I haven't posted for awhile; its taken me awhile to write this. I don't want to complain any more about my husband or try to figure him and his issues out. I have seen so many sides of him since disclosure that I never expected was possible. He has manipulated, degraded, intimidated, bullied, controlled, emotionally abused, isolated me and himself (separately), he's played countless of hours of video games, and hasn't lifted a finger to help with the kids or the house, he's called me a victim recently and has accused me of being insecure. He has lied to me constantly, and big one is an injury he has recently endured- he made it out to be more serious than what it was- said the doctor said this and that when in actuality the doctor hadn't said any of it. Had I not persisted to go with him to his appt I'd have never known the full extent. We still as of yet spend no time together whatsoever and the worst part is that for two weeks all was really going well. Not so much with help, but just being able to text/joke/laugh/and watch movies.
He has refused to go back to counseling with me and has taken off his computer filter. He has the one on his phone still and continues to respect some of my boundaries. I have continuously detached myself from the situation and him when he fails to respect some of them- but I find that he is exhausting all the effort put towards doing that as well. He continues to remain self absorbed- I seriously feel like I am dealing with a misogynistic narcissist.
A part of me likes to believe he hasn't fallen prey to it pornography or talking to other women. It doesn't quite seem like it but then again now I can't tell- his days are full of aggression and frustration and anger. I never know if I am getting Jekyll or Hyde. I have to feel him out when he gets home from work to even see if I can approach him in a happy loving way or if I have to keep myself distant. He keeps me at arms length.
I graduate in 2 weeks and when the times I have been excited, he's the one person I would love to tell but I can't because he's had his bad days usually and that makes his days worse... And when I do indulge in it- he changes the subject or just doesn't seem to be interested at all. There's something EXTREMELY wrong with that picture. I guess right now it is just fake it til I make it. Get everything in order and figure out a life without him. I don't want this for my marriage or my kids- but I am slowly losing myself. As quickly as I lost all my healthy weight.
I don't want to give up but I can't fight alone. My marriage is so important to me, but I can't force my husband on board. I'm tired of being made to feel or being told that I crowd his space, I don't hold him back- he's never even home and when he is he's playing video games or sleeping. In the meantime I have started to focus on just myself and it's been helpful. I realize there is still a lot of unresolved hurt, but I'll live. I miss the man I sent off on deployment. It's time to let go and move on. I feel this is what he wants also.
Sorry for the vent and the length.
He has refused to go back to counseling with me and has taken off his computer filter. He has the one on his phone still and continues to respect some of my boundaries. I have continuously detached myself from the situation and him when he fails to respect some of them- but I find that he is exhausting all the effort put towards doing that as well. He continues to remain self absorbed- I seriously feel like I am dealing with a misogynistic narcissist.
A part of me likes to believe he hasn't fallen prey to it pornography or talking to other women. It doesn't quite seem like it but then again now I can't tell- his days are full of aggression and frustration and anger. I never know if I am getting Jekyll or Hyde. I have to feel him out when he gets home from work to even see if I can approach him in a happy loving way or if I have to keep myself distant. He keeps me at arms length.
I graduate in 2 weeks and when the times I have been excited, he's the one person I would love to tell but I can't because he's had his bad days usually and that makes his days worse... And when I do indulge in it- he changes the subject or just doesn't seem to be interested at all. There's something EXTREMELY wrong with that picture. I guess right now it is just fake it til I make it. Get everything in order and figure out a life without him. I don't want this for my marriage or my kids- but I am slowly losing myself. As quickly as I lost all my healthy weight.
I don't want to give up but I can't fight alone. My marriage is so important to me, but I can't force my husband on board. I'm tired of being made to feel or being told that I crowd his space, I don't hold him back- he's never even home and when he is he's playing video games or sleeping. In the meantime I have started to focus on just myself and it's been helpful. I realize there is still a lot of unresolved hurt, but I'll live. I miss the man I sent off on deployment. It's time to let go and move on. I feel this is what he wants also.
Sorry for the vent and the length.
I would strongly urge you to continue counseling with someone who can help you fully accept what is going on and help you move forward with your life.
From your post, it is clear to me that he has made his choice. He is certainly angry, but he is angry at himself because the addiction is so powerful and he cannot do this alone.
Until he can fully commit to recovery, it seems it would be best to let him go.
All I can say is that today I am embracing recovery, I am honest and forthcoming with my wife, and I can feel again - but even this may well be too little too late to forge a path that keeps my wife and I together. And I am still capable of being many of the things you describe. I understand now why my wife stayed with me despite my behaviour being so toally unacceptable in the past, but without a regular indication of my intent to change, and evidence to support that intent, I get the sense I only have minutes left on the clock with her.
Unfortunately this addiction can be so pervasive, so overwhelmingly strong, and so devisive, that even in recovery it can sabotage your only chance of hapiness and success. There may never be a time that your husband breathes in enough oxygen to make the decisions he needs to, before it is too late and it is only regret that he has to build on. It is absurd, irrationaly, and the very definition of destructive, but I can totally understand how easy it is for an addict to let everything fall apart just to keep a kindling light burning for their addiction.
Whether it makes us bad or whether it is our flaws that bring us to it, the addiction thrives on procrastination, fear, confused anger guilt and shame - there is nothing that you describe that sounds like recovery on his part. It is amazing how selfish and arrogant, uncommunicative and cruel we can be when we feel at our weakest.
You can only recover from what you allow yourself to admit you have been through and you can only demand what you deserve.
As far as be not wanting to face more trauma, I will agree, and maybe that is really overpowering, but I also believe he hasn't unless it's been through social media. I have been around every time he's been on his computer except when he went to class- like I can visibly see the screen. Anyway here I go making excuses for him.
He's made comments that he didn't want me seeking a doctors help for my health because our co-pays would be too much- which was his fault for that. He has two insurances, one that pays everything pretty much and I only have his work one which he recently switched to lesser coverage for less out of his check for higher co-pays. His control is slowly starting to come out. I have an appt tomorrow and I am afraid to use the money out of our joint acct. for fear it will trigger him. How awful is that.
I get scared sometimes with his anger- he even takes it out on our family dog. He smashed his garage clicker in frustration, because it was faulty, with a hammer and he also punched his steering wheel. He threw around our lawn mower the other day because it wasn't starting like normal. I just feel like it's getting worse now and I am in a lose-lose situation.
I just need to find my strength and confidence again to move forward. I need to really figure out my stuff and get my ducks in a row. thanks again.
Good luck with everything!
I think I understand how you're feeling. Whether or not he has succumbed to the porn and other things seems to be a moot point given the things you "know" he is doing. His Jekyll and Hyde switch outs are enough aren't they? Whether or not his behavior may be attributed to porn, etc., is really not quite that important is it? The why, I mean. I think that what is important is that he is treating you badly and you're not happy with that.
I believe you're absolutely right that it would be best to focus on doing everything that you can do to treat yourself well. There is nothing you can do for him, he has to do for himself.
Learningskills: You're right it's not so much about the porn at this point- it's about the withdrawals or the frustration that he hasn't been able to or maybe the fact that he used porn as a coping mechanism which that is now taken away he doesn't know how to cope. I sometimes get fearful that the next thing he hits will be me or my children! So... I want to take the necessary steps to move forward. But yes absolutely- there's nothing I can do for him. I am working on accepting that.
And THANK YOU so much for the congratulations :)!! I am super excited and I plan to make it memorable :).