My husband relapse after 5-6 years of being porn-sober. We've had a rough month re-living all the trauma we went through in the beginning of our marriage when he was in denial that he had a problem. This has been very painful for both of us, but at least we have a better understanding of porn addiction and we can pull ourselves together. We just never thought he would relapse. 

He stopped using in 2013 and we were in couples therapy for a year. I went to therapy by myself, but he never went to individual therapy. He was so confident that he would never use again. For the past month, I've asked him to think "what was the trigger?" and he just could not figure it out. I think this is because he disconnects his porn use from his stressors. It isn't a simple A-to-B process. 

I am still recovering from accidentally seeing an open email on a shared computer. He'd been on m2m hookup sites again. After many teary conversations, I found out that he actually relapsed in 2018 or 2019. He tells me that it is episodic (he's not using porn daily or weekly) but he's been back at it for 3-4 years. I am devastated that he's been doing this again.

Porn use is an old habit for "rewarding" himself. After many conversations, we think he might've relapsed when he was being bullied at work. He reported harassment to his manager in 2018, and nothing was done. In fact, the co-worker taunted him for reporting the harassment. When my husband is using porn, he really disconnects from reality so he was not seeing this connection to being bullied until we figured out the timeline.

I've been learning about relapse, and what he went through is pretty classic. He had major stress at work, and he started using porn when I was not home. If I told him that I would be away for the day (visiting my mother or on a business trip) he viewed my absence as an opportunity to use. He was overconfident that he could watch a few videos, look at photos, and look at discussion forums without ramping up to m2m hookup sites. But he did ramp up to creating profiles. He contacted other men, and if they replied or contacted him, there was a frenetic exchange of emails about setting up a time to meet. Most of the time, it ended with emails. But the email that I discovered was to set up an actual encounter. They'd already met in person to discuss their fantasies.

My husband experienced boyhood sexual abuse with his Scout leader. All of his porn activity is related to the abuse. He knows this, but knowing it did not prevent the relapse. When he is on the hookup sites and emailing men, he is incapable of making good choices. After the emails, and especially after meeting that guy face-to-face, he feels guilt, shame, and self-loathing. But another email will drag him back in. He tells me that he doesn't even get an erection anymore. It is all an adrenaline rush with no sexual pleasure at all. 

He is devastated that he's hurt me. He tells me that our marriage is the most important part of his life. My bottom line is that he goes to therapy by himself. We found a therapy practice that specializes in helping men who were sexually abused as boys. I am praying that the therapists are good, and he is able to work through what happened to him and learn strategies for preventing relapse in the future.

It didn't kill us. It didn't end our marriage. But it hurt like hell.