Sex / Pornography Addiction Support Group
Sexual addiction, also sometimes called sexual compulsion, is a form of psychological addiction to sexual intercourse and other sexual behavior.
Intro: My girlfriend has a very low libido. Before we started dating, she didn't even masturbate. That's the difference between us. I always knew I had some sort of addiction. Porn was an escape for me, and the endorphin's I felt after release were my coping mechanism for depression as a teenager.
Sexually, we are a terrible mix. I found myself wondering if I would be better of leaving her for the chance to find someone with more kink and desire. In addition to viewing porn, I started to role play with people.
You know what? That scared me, when I found myself figuring out the logistics of how our relationship would end. I love my girlfriend with all of my heart, and I would gladly give up anything to have a happy life with her. We are in sync in so many subtle, and obvious, ways.
I've known for a long time I had an addiction. I have many strange fetishes that I keep in the shadows, some I have acted out on and some that I haven't. I fear someone will find out and my life will crumble. I've never opened up to anyone about anything like this. I keep everything in side, all the time. What should I do? Do I tell her everything?
Thank you so much to anyone who read all of that.
Sexually, we are a terrible mix. I found myself wondering if I would be better of leaving her for the chance to find someone with more kink and desire. In addition to viewing porn, I started to role play with people.
You know what? That scared me, when I found myself figuring out the logistics of how our relationship would end. I love my girlfriend with all of my heart, and I would gladly give up anything to have a happy life with her. We are in sync in so many subtle, and obvious, ways.
I've known for a long time I had an addiction. I have many strange fetishes that I keep in the shadows, some I have acted out on and some that I haven't. I fear someone will find out and my life will crumble. I've never opened up to anyone about anything like this. I keep everything in side, all the time. What should I do? Do I tell her everything?
Thank you so much to anyone who read all of that.
Blaming and judging others is a behavioral trait for all addicts of every kind.
Yes, be honest with her and then get help.
www.yourbrainonporn.com
Whether or not your gf is as sexually active/open as she "should be" or whether she and you are compatible I can't comment.
But what I can say is this: whoever you are with will never be able to make the bedroom a fulfilling place for you while you are pre-recovery / in the throws of p addiction.
Stay with this mindset, of admitting that you have an addiction, and take action immediately because life does not wait for you to pull yourself together.
Forget about trying to map another human to your current sexual desires, they have been perverted by p and your actual libido/sexuality is living like a hermit in a cave, only a reboot can bring him out.
Blessings.
Very smart of you to work out the endorphin release as a coping mechanism for teen depression.
It took me yrs to realise this, after much pain, and if you follow through you will also find it's the very same release that keeps coming back to taunt us.
What is so essential also to realise is that no matter how much sexual fetish you pursue you will never actually be satisfied--this is an habitual cycle that is impossible to fulfill.....I know this is a difficult thing to accept because we all want there to be an easy answer like "' Ok, your partner is wrong for you so now get the right partner because you are not sexually compatible"'...actually this is not the issue here.
You might THINK it is because your Limbic system is fooling you to find a new escape from pain! Your brain is setting you up to go after MORE lust...and this will never quit unless you quit IT.
The issue IS we all have an insatiable appetite that will NEVER be resolved even if we had sex 24/7.
AND if we did have sex 24/7 it wouldn't actually lead to solving the problem in fact we would dig a chasm of deep despair, suicidal depression.
Think of it like this to stir your rational pre frontal cortex--Just for one minute consider these points because they are ones that lead me think differently. ...
What happens after you act out and achieve orgasm?
Does this solve your problems? Do they go away forever?
After it all, do you truly feel better having all those images in your mind or do you feel disgusted with yourself, ashamed of having failed yet again..and yet we go back because the limbic brain takes us back for more and so the cycle goes on.
If you are truly honest with yourself you will realise we never feel BETTER.
So then we look for excuses and the easiest is "'It's my partners fault because her libido is not as strong as mine"'.
It's NOTHING to do with your libido Jeremy....we are ADDICTS.
A healthy libido has nothing to do with addiction!
Some of the most creative people in art and science had very strong libidos but CHOSE to re direct (transmute) the sexual energy to healthier pursuits rather than just engaging in sexual fetish.
Now here was something I never realised until about 8 yrs ago;
That same depression you spoke about as a teen was being kept ALIVE by your porn and fetish addiction.
The only way to solve your dilemma is by choosing a new way of seeing life WITHOUT addiction.
You will not be truly happy looking for ways to satisfy your lust drive since the prob is NOT with your partner.
The problem lies with us..or YOU.
Don't become self piteous or wallow in shame because it's actually a chemical imbalance that you have started off way back as a teen--I did the EXACT same thing! It's down to our ignorance and the way our Limbic brain wants to sooth our pain
the only thing we can do to be truly happy is to achieve a balance of chemicals in the brain again.
Already someone has advised the great website yourbrainonporn .
I personally learnt everything I know from a 10 yr old website "'Inner Gold Counselling"' who have incredible videos on youtube and possibly influenced Gary Wilsons website.
If youtube somehow forces sexual triggers then find "'Inner Gold"' website or type in Dr.Gordon Bruin into your browser.
"'Inner Gold "' is not religiously preachy and doesn't judge but shows us how we have a two part brain and how we can train one part to tame the other in a simple way.
We all have to try and change the way we think...it's a daily battle but it does become clearer.
Keep being honest, don't fall into the blame cycle nor get into shame. Use reason and your rational brain to work out how and why you feel like acting out..is it because of fear, boredom, stress, loneliness, anger or ALL of these?
It was with me...especially FEAR.
All the best and hope this makes sense.