I'm so sorry for your pain Jat07,

Know that this is a great place. You are not alone. I'm Sherrie & I'm glad you're here.

Sounds like he's admitted to the addiction...am I correct? This, believe me when I say..is monumental in one's recovery. I know...I probably sound off my rocker right? Maybe but they have to catch me before they diagnose..Haha...sorry...humor is my forte...:-)

Now...have you two discussed a plan of action? How are you communicating? That is vital. And I know...you want to kick him in the balls...but ...will that help you or him in getting better? Maybe in that moment ..but then you might have to take care of those wounds!

Do you have anyone you can talk to? At church (that won't tell everyone your business) or perhaps a close friend? It's important to get these feelings out. Bottling them up won't help...holding up a "personal experience" flag...

If you are into meetings or perhaps want to try one...s-anon is a support group for sex/porn addicts. If you need help in finding one I'd be glad to help.

Be good to yourself. Get all the rest you can. Focusing on you is vital. When he's ready he will get help. I know...you want to help him...by all means...be there...supportive...but being receptive is key to him having the ability to convey his true feelings.

You are both in for a bumpy ride....but God(or your Higher Power) has your back.

Good luck...y'all are in my prayers...

Hugs..Sherrie

Jat: I am so sorry that you're hurting so badly. I have been there too. Here is a link for others who share the pain and challenges. http://www.dailystrength.org/groups/spousespartners-of-sex-addicts. I hope you'll turn your attention to yourself...your needs....and take very, very, gentle care of yourself right now. That is one of the most important things you can do.

If your husband is a porn addict, you're going to have to have a problem with porn, too. He won't be capable of casual use, any more than a coke addict can do just a couple of lines, so you can't use with him. The lies and deceit are destructive for sure, but it's the fact that he needs to be secretive that tells you that this a problem. It's the shame that tells you. A person who is not embarassed by their porn use probably doesn't have a problem with it. Your husband does, and he's going to need support in abstaining from use. Sherrie is right, if he's admitted that this is a problem that's a huge first step. Get him to sign up here and we can point him in the right direction. You will do well to hang out and read a lot, understand that it has nothing to do with you, and understand how he got to where he's at. Just as there was a path that lead in, there is a way out. Hang in there.

thanks for the replies. well he admitted to it at first now it is a bunch of fakeness and trying to brush everything under the rug....everyday i get closer to smashing his computer into a million pieces on the front lawn i cant believe how much anger i have which seems to get worse with this response he is having

Jat, also try www.recoverynation.com for good information for both spouses and PAs. All the best to you.

I know how you feel as my boat is pretty much the same except my husband will not admit he is addicted to the porn. Everything else you said fits. I long for him to be honest with me and for us to begin to heal together but for whatever reason he thinks he can just tell me he wont do it anymore and I will just believe him, but he has said it before and it has never stopped for more than a brief period of time. SO I am stuck just figuring out how to mend me while leaving him in his sickness. I am so sorry, I know how much it hurts to lose the honesty and intimacy in your marriage.

I've found that honesty is the best policy....let him know exactly how you feel...and what you think. That way...he might just join the real world.

same boat, same pain, sadness and depression. sex-less marriage (partially due to hubby's health)... I'm too young for that...

Hi Jat

I have a husband going through recovery from his Sexual Addiction, which has played havoc in our marriage. I understand how you are feeling.

As a spouse one of the best books i have found has helped me in my own recovery and help me understand every thing involved with Sexual Addiction, is
"Mending A Shattered Heart"
A guide for partners of sex addicts....By Stephanie Carnes PH.d


Here is an excerpt, that may be helpful...........

Page 37- 45
Partners of sex addicts commonly demonstrate six stages of personal growth and development. These stages were initially developed by Dr Patrick Carnes. His research focused on sex addicts and their partners. He followed 99 partners of sex addicts over five years, as they progressed from finding out about the addiction to integration of this, in their lives.
These six stages will serve as a model to help guide you through a rough and necessary journey toward your healing and recovery. There are aspects of the stages that will best describe you today. But the stages are also meant to give you a practical set of steps involved in recovering from this crisis in your life. Most important, the stages help you see that you are not alone and that things can improve.
The Stages;
* The Developing Stage/ Pre-Discovery
* Crisis/ Decision/ Information
* Shock
* Grief/ Ambivalance
* Repair
* Growth
How you experience the stages of recovery will depend on many factors, including your personality, any medical or psychiatric diagnoses such as depression or addiction and past loses. If you have experienced losses or betrayals, or have suffered abuse or trauma in your background, you may find it more difficult to move through your stages.
You may find one stage more challenging than another, and you may even stay in one stage for a longer period of time. You may confront a new crisis or challenge which may pull you back into an earlier stage, such as triggering event like the anniversary of discovering your partners addiction or an old cell phone bill. These triggers can conjure up old feelings that you believed you had resolved. Similarly, you may see yourself vacillating between two or more stages at once.

1. Developing Stage
Is the period of time prior to knowing there was a problem or before discovery/ disclosure. You may find during this stage that you were either completely in the dark about the addiction, or had some suspicions but were not fully aware of the extent of your partners sexual acting out. During this stage, you might try to keep the peace in the home and hold an idealised view of the relationship.
If you were completely in the dark about the acting out, you may have had a hunch that something wasn't right with the addict. You likely experienced the unmanagability of the addiction in the other areas of your life, such as parenting, finances, work and intimacy. Because life was increasingly unmanageable, you may have found yourself attempting to control the other areas of your life, such as work, the children, the household etc.
Conversely, you may have known about certain aspects of the behaviour, like pornography use, but had no idea about the content of the sex acting out. When you accidently found suspicious info you might have overlooked it or believed the addicts convincing explanantions. Your gut instint may have been telling you one thing but your mind told you another. You sensed that something was wrong, however, you didn't have the info to back it up. Instead you questioned yourself and would give your partner the benefit of the doubt. This may have even resulted in you questioning your own self worth.
During this stage its common to tolerate behaviours that others woulf find intolerable. This may include verbal or physical abuse, lack of availablity, emotional distance, and a lack of functioning in many areas. You may have found yourself caretaking to a fault. Unconsciously, you may have minimised the addicts behaviours, and covered up for them by making excuses or concessions despite your better judgement. You may have found yourself defending the addict, and believeing the addicts words over his actions.
Core Characteristics;
* believing tall tales
* tolerating and normalising unacceptable behaviour from the addict
* self doubt, not trusting gut instincts
* having hunch something is not right
* seeking couples therapy
* unmanagability
* loss of values, morals, or beliefs deemed imporatnt to keep peace with your partner

2. The Crisis/ Decision Stage
During this stage, the facade of the secret life of the addict has been exposed, and reality and disillusionment is beginning to settle in. As in any life-altering crisi, how you respond has a lot to do with your personality and if you suffered from prior crisi in your life. This means that if you are someone who has experienced frequent loses, then you are apt to be more reactionary than someone who has not. The old responses get reactivated and add to your distress. In addition, the duration of the addicts behaviours, the types of behaviours engaged in, and length of time of the relationship will also influence how you respond to the fallout of discovery/disclosure.
If you are someone who withdrawls from crisis, you will find that you want to avoid knowing about the addict or sex addiction in general. You may act as though nothing has changed and try to keep up with your normal respomsibilities. Or if you are someone who is more action-oriented, you will find yourself seeking honesty and accountability from the addict, despite the fact that a part of you cannot trust what she or he says.
Due to broken trust, you may find yourself checking up on your partner or playing detective to determine if he or she is still lying and acting out. In fact, you may find yourself doing these behaviours when typically you are not someone who snoops or even wants to, but you find you are compelled to look for things. You may ruminate or obsess about the addict, his ir her whereabouts and seek to review the details of his or her behaviour repeatedly.
Much of this is in attempt to examine what happened and to come to terms with how you didn't figure out what your partner was up to before the discovery. You may be replaying the past in an attempt to capture how you could have prevented it from happening or confronted it sooner. All of these action steps are in response to being lied to and are a strategy to ward off the painful realities you are beginning to experience as a result of the betrayal.
Core Characteristics;
* a catalytic event occurs: you discover or are disclosed to about your partners duplicate behaviour.
* information gathering
* taking action/ making decisions, such as sending the sex addict to treatment or joining a 12 step group.

3. The Shock Stage
The crisis and shock stage often overlap, and for some may even happen simultaneously. During the crisis you learned about behaviours, gathered info, and perhaps responded by making decisions. Shock is how you responded emotionally and spiritually to the crisis confronting you.
The upheaval during the shock stage can last 6 months and at times years. Variables that predict how long you are in these two stages depend on your presponse to the crisis and how your partner does or doesn't progress in recovery. Feelings of betrayal are overwhelming and mistrust of the addict reaches its peak. You seek honesty and accountability from the addict even though he or she has become untrustworthy to you. Despite this, you want disclosure of all previously concealed info or believe there is more when you have been told that there isn't. You don't know what to believe and you suffer from a multitute of reactions.
You may have periods of numbness, contrasted by times of upheaval and conflict. At times, you may find it easier to avoid the feelings. However, despite this strategy, there are often many feelings lurking underneath the surface that arise during times of conflict such as anger, resentment, pain, shame, hostility, and hopelessness. You may be experiencing crying spells, depression, and even thoughts of suicide. You may begin to question your worth.
Understandably, you will have tremendous self doubt and will need outside support to help you validate your pain and challenge some of your thinking. Living in an addictive system is about secrets and isolation from others. Recovery becomes about letting others into your world and learning new behaviours and choices that were previously unavailable to you.
Core Characteristics;
* emotional numbness or avoidance
* feelings of victimimation
* suspiciousness
* terror about the slips, future relapse
* distrust
* conflict
* feelings of despair
* anger, hostility, self rightousness, blame and criticism

4. Grief and Ambivalence Stage
One of the most important aspects of moving through your pain is recognising and experiencing your grief. Acknowledging your pain and sadness is essential to moving past feelings of anger and betrayal. At the core of betrayal are feelings of pain, sadness and rejection. Anger is often considered a secondary emotion to pain and sadness. So grieving is one of the central processes allowing you to move through your anger and feelings of betrayal. The wounding you have experienced cuts to the very core of your heart and soul, leaving you feeling shattered. Allowing yourself time to grieve the many losses during this time will help propel you into the next stage of repair and growth.
Distinguishing grief from self pity is important too. You may believe that feeling sorry for yourself is a waste of time and an indulgence that should not be tolerated. But grief is essential because it is that most private area of yourself that allows you to own your pain on a deeper level. Acknowledging, "Hey I have been seriously wronged and i hurt" is important. It helps you stop internalising the problem and move into your own core feelings of loss, betrayal and sadness. It allows you freedom from focusing on what the addict is or isn't doing which will assist you in connecting with your authentic self.
Some of the losses you will experience are;
Loss of the dream of your relationship
Loss of self
Loss of relationship as it once was
Loss of emotional safety
Loss of sexual safety
Loss of financial stability
Spiritual vacancy eg; 'where is god?'

You may contemplate separation, divorce, and have fantasies about how life would be without the partner or wish something would happen to him so you wouldn't have to go through this pain anymore. You may also find yourself attracted to someone else. Alternatively the idea of being attracted to someone else may repulse you and conjure up feelings of mistrust and tremendous fear.
One of the significant gifts that comes from this stage is the gift of self awareness and introspection. Instead of focusing on the addicts needs and wants, you begin to focus on your needs and wants. Your self care typically deepens during this stage. This is an essential shift to make in the healing process because without focusing on yourself, you will not move into the next stage of repair.
Core Characteristics;
* grieving losses
* feelings of dpression
* ambivilance about the relationship
* increased introspection and focus on the self
* less focus on the addicts behaviour and more on your own

5. Repair Stage
For many partners, it can take years of shock and grief before healing really starts to solidify and they move into the repair stage, Repair is marked by increased introspection and less focus on the addicts nehvaiour. Although you continue to hold the addict accountable for what he did to you, you have moved toward greater responsibility and honesty for your own happiness. You know you need to be treated respectfully and honesty by the addict, but you see how others treat you stems from your own self worth.
You may alos start to make the connections between your past during this stage. For example; you may consider how your family of origin impacted your choices and influenced your adult actions, especially in your relationship with the addict. This may include focusing on the themes from your past, such as abandonment, abuse and neglect.
Many partners deepen their spirituality at this time. Coping skills and social support systems become stronger. Secrecy and isolation are replaced with solitude and compassionship. Self defeating behaviours often diminish. Overall your deep pain and turmoil subsides and a more relaxed, introspective self emerges with a stronger voice.
These changes reflect in your relationship as well. You will have a better understanding of the addiction and the addicts behaviours, which places you in a stronger position to evaluate the relationship. You have a clearer picture about the addicts sexual acting out and the boundries you need to keep yourself safe. You belive the actions, not the words of the addict, and you don't live in denial of the addiction or the addictive behaviours. You are able to hold the addict accountable and not fear communication. You are able to see red flags and confront them effectively. If you become retraumatised by relapses or divorce, you openly seek additional resorces and handle it. You are more emotionally prepared to make a decision to leave a relationship if indicated. If the addict is in recoevry, and your relationship is progressing in a healthy way, you may explore trust and intimacy that is deeper than before.
Core Characteristics;
* intropsection
* decision making stage about the relationship
* deeper insight into causes of your co-addiction
* family of origin themes examined and intergrated
* prior losses more fully grieved
* increased strength and coping skills
* Boundary setting
* emotional stability

6. Growth Stage
The final stage is growth. This syage involves continued self transformation. One of the hallmarks of this stage for partners is letting go of feelings of victimization and replacing it with resiliency. You may discover a way to make meaning out of your suffering.
Gratitude for the addiction and the opportunities for self actualization that it provided occur here. The addiction was a catalyst for change and you responded to it. The many challenges you faced elevated you to a higher level of well being and you experience of inner peace and greater appreciation for the work that you had to do in confronting this challenge.
You turn outward, not in a caretaking sense, but in a genuine desire to pass on what was given to you. Your compassion for other peoples pain reinforces your committment to healing. You can now realisitically check your motivations and can catch yourself when you fall into old self defeating patterns.
Core Characteristics;
* decreased feelings of being victimised by the addiction
* focus on issues not directly related to the addiction
* communication of your role in the dyfunction of the relationship increases
* acknowledgement of the gifts the addiction has bought to your life
* ability to be present and fully focused on the other areas of life.



Conclusion;
While considering these stages, don't judge yourself harshly or try to force yourself into a future stage. Every partner goes through the stages at her pace. Hopefully, reviewing these stages will provide you some peace of mind that the crisis will not last forever, and growth and insight are the inevitable gifts you will recieve through this experience.

Wow and thank you to Hope NHealing for the book excerpt! I haven't read it all yet -... but will today.

My husband likes to look at porn via websites mostly at night after I'm asleep, saying that as long as he doesn't flaunt it in my face, I shouldn't have a problem with it... He swears up and down that he doesn't contact anyone, etc. - and for the most part I believe him on that one.. but the constant webcam sites to watch people having sex or just the women alone... boils my blood...

Jat07... I live your pain ~~ hubby's mantra: 'I'm a grown man and I'll do what I want...' and as long as I don't flaunt it in your face, it s/b ok... why is a person (and he's a very smart man) being so obtuse???

My advice... read..read..read - here and other places. I am actually brand new to this group also, so I hope to share my story soon. The one thing I know for sure is that he has no idea the devastation and would be shocked at how deep it runs... take good care and please post here... having someone to talk to really is a saving grace!

jat - I say smash the computer!! just kidding - kinda.

I wish I had answers, I am still trying to pick my self off the road from when that sex addiction truck ran over me.

marriedtoasexaddict.com is a good resource.

hopenhealing and all spouses - have you read Barbra Steffins "your sexually addicted spouse"? I think it is super helpful. Actually on marriedtoasexaddict.com Barbra has a 4 part interview with JoAnn Russel that is really informative and validating.

And the book "mending a shattered heart" by stephanie carnes
only read the 2nd addition. THe Carnes are starting to step in to the new century and loose the nasty co-dependant talk.

Hi Jat

Your story is very similar to mine. Reading it brings back memories of the anger I used to feel towards my OH.

I have been married for 16 years to him and have known about his porn addiction from the beginning, about ten years ago (basically when he first got the internet!).
The difference is that he told me about it straight away as he really wanted me to join in. He told me that he had been in contact with another couple on the net and that they had sent him photos of the wife. I refused to see the pics and told him I wanted nothing to do with it. He tried very hard to convince me but there was no way I was going to do that. Just Iike you, I am no prude and I can well understand how people get a kick out of porn, but it's just not my thing.
Somehow, I did not feel the need to tell my OH that I wanted him to stop at the time. I just wanted to believe that he would not continue without me (sometimes I suppose you just fool yourself into believing what suits...) Now, I realise that I dug my own grave by not facing reality there and then.
A year later I found photos on his laptop and messages he had written to other men, commenting on their wives' photos. He had not even tried to hide them, they were just there for anyone to see (thank God the kids were too young to use computers then).. I went balistic and this is when the real trouble started.
Because I went mad, he promised me he would not do it again (although he could not understand my reaction since -in his own words- it was just a bit of fun). And off course this is when it all went underground. I so wanted to believe him, but it did go on. Each time, he would stop for a while but then he would start again.

Why I stayed, I have no idea. It tmade me feel like crap and yet I stayed. I suppose I always knew that these women meant nothing to him. They had no face, no identity and to be honest I think a lot of them don't even know what their husbands get up to with their photos...
The thing is, as a couple we 'work' well. I have not experienced the lack of interest from him or felt he was not attracted to me. I know many partners of SAs feel their OH put their addiction before them But this has never been the case with us. Our time in the bedroom has always been great and I know he has never met anyone (considering the amount of bull he gives them on the net about his age and appearance - he has never put a picture of himself or given his real identity- he could not possibly meet them afterwards- they might be UGELY disappointed - sorry had to make light of it!) .
Anyway, recently, something clicked. I decided not to confront him when I found yet more stuff. I realised that my whole world had been revolving around him and I needed to do something to free myself. I had come to a point where I did not trust him at all, kept checking on his computer, mobile, pocket...,you name it. It had changed me and turned me into some addict too. So I decided to look into it and try to understand why he did it
I have read so much about internet porn,my eyes hurt. It is going to sound REALLY stupid but I only realised recently that he was ADDICTED to it. it's not just a bit of fun. How I could not see that before, I don't know. Call me innocent or stupid or both...
Suddenly, the anger is gone and it has been replaced by hurt and sadness Being past the anger stage has enabled me to speak to my OH frankly about MY feelings and what he has done to me. He was horrified when it all came out. He had no idea he had hurt me that badly; he had always thought my anger was just a way to try to control him. For years I had just screamed at him and accused him of being, well all kinds of things but never been able to let him see how much it hurt. Not easy realising you are the victim I suppose. I certainly didn't want to be a victim, I just wanted to hate him for what he was doing to me

Anyway, I told him that without support to help him stop we were through. It was not a threat, just an observation and the sad truth. We both need help. I need to rebuild my own sense of self too. We are both going for therapy, together and separately. Not sure what will come of it but it is our only chance.

Sorry about this all. I suppose I needed to let it all out too. And I suppose my message isyes, trash the computer if it makes you feel better but my experience so far is that reading about it and trying to understand will help.