First of all, you need to understand that sexual addiction is all about fantasy, not reality. So a male sex addict may look at porn images as a part of his sexual addiction pattern that have absolutely nothing to do with his everyday life and/or reality.

Second, you need to also understand that the behaviors of a sex addict will, in some way, repeat the sexual abuse that they went through as children. Now this repetition may be actual, but it is more often going to be symbolic. So, this guy might get aroused by these images of young girls because his young babysitter somehow aroused him, and then left him sexually frustrated, when he was a child. That's the kind of thing I'm talking about. This principle is called "repetition compulsion" by therapists.

Third, as you mentioned, the sex addict will always be chasing a better "high", a more exciting escape from their reality. This is just the nature of the addiction, and this escalating behavior has nothing at all to do with ethics or morality. Often, a sex addict will talk about one thing in public, yet behave totally differently when they are in their addictive mode. You need look no further than televangelist Jimmy Swaggart to see what I'm talking about. He preached against prostitution yet he was caught with prostitutes on a number of occasions.

And finally, just because he's looking at images of young girls to stimulate himself as a part of his addiction ritual, that doesn't necessarily mean that he will be attracted to such individuals in real life. Of course, that also doesn't mean he won't be. I'm just saying that one doesn't necessarily equal the other. It might, but it also might not. He might be a closet hebephile who hasn't yet acted on his impulses. But if he is a hebephile, it's a pretty safe bet that he will eventually do so. There's really no way of telling before he actually does act on his temptations. Even a therapist would have a difficult time figuring out what a guy like this might do if he didn't get into recovery.

I don't know if this answer helps you understand things or not. For someone who isn't themselves a sex addict, this whole sexual addiction process can be extremely confusing since nothing about it is at all logical. But all sex addicts have faulty core beliefs, and it is this cockeyed view of reality that acts to power their behavior, and makes things so difficult for others to understand. Addicts live in their own little fantasy world and will very rarely allow anyone else into their reality. So partners and family members are left to wonder and scratch their heads, sometimes believing the addict to be insane. And in a certain sense, when it comes to our sexual addiction, we truly are a bit insane until we get into recovery and get back in touch with reality.

Thank you Charlie-It was reading your input on this site that led me to join here. I want to believe that what you say is true, and he does not take the obscession "past the computer screen" as he says. I do, however, know what it is like to be a sex addict. I had a period in my life when I was a sex addict..ironically, but not surprisingly ,in an affair with a man who may have been a pedophile..at that point I was capable of almost anything..BUT i attributed most of that scewed thinking to the alcoholism..getting drunk daily..if my husband were not sober, I could understand this better--but then, I suppose I'm not appreciating the power of the sex addiction alone. He does have some history of questionable judgment with woman-- his first wife was 13 when he had sex with her-he was 18--his second wife had a 6 year old daughter when he met her..they lived in a one bedroom apt.. that woman gave her own daughter away-closed adoption ,within a year of being with him.. she became pregnant shortyl after-gave away 2 newborsn a girl,l,then a boy.. I always excused this as HER problem./mental illness-now i question if she didnt want him around children and she was deeply in love with him.. these are the things that go thru my mind..there are many suspicions.. what do you think about a polygraoh in this situation?

A polygraph exam might be a good thing, but remember, if he is a pedophile (or a hebephile) and hasn't identified himself as one as yet, any questions asked about this kind of behavior probably won't be valid. In other words, if he's asked if he's a pedophile and he hasn't yet identified himself as one, he will be able to answer "No" and the polygraph will show that this is a true answer. Then if he's asked if he's attracted to young teenage females, he could answer either "Yes" or "No" and the polygraph would show that he was telling the truth. The "Yes" answer would refer to the porn images, while the "No" answer would refer to the fact that he hasn't yet identified himself as a hebephile. I guess if you were going to try a polygraph, the questions would have to be very carefully crafted to make sure you got an accurate read on the results. But I may have another idea for you.

If you can get your husband to go with you to see a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist (C.S.A.T.), this person can run a couple of tests on him. The first one that would be helpful would be the P.T.S.I. (Post Traumatic Stress Index). This test would look at your husband's trauma history, and then correlate that history with any potential problems your husband may be experiencing (post traumatic stress disorder, other anxiety disorders, addictions, personality disorders, depression, and dissociative disorders). All of these conditions can be the direct result of trauma of any kind. The test looks at all of these other issues as secondary, however, and concentrates on the issues related to the sexual addiction. As the sexual addiction is being dealt with in therapy, these other issues will also be addressed as well.

The other test that should prove helpful is one called the S.D.I.-R. (Sexual Dependency Inventory - Revised). This test would help the therapist to understand the causes of your husband's sexual addiction, and also allow him or her to to assess the range and scope of addictive behaviors. In addition, the results of the test can help the addict understand their own arousal patterns, including what feelings and/or emotions serve as addiction triggers for them. This test could show if pedophilia or hebephilia is an issue your husband needs to look at. But it's important for you to understand that these tests can ONLY be done by a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist. You can find a listing of such individuals on either of two (2) websites):

Sex Help
www.sexhelp.com/

Society for the Advancement of Sexual Health
www.sash.net/

If these is no one listed in your area, you might want to call the Society for the Advancement of Sexual Health directly at (706)-356-7031 and speak with Ms. Robin Cato, the office coordinator, to see if there are perhaps any newly certified therapists in your area who haven't been put on the lists yet, or to see if there are any therapists who are still undergoing the certification process who might be able to do these tests for your husband.

Both of these tests were designed by Patrick J. Carnes, Ph.D., the author of "Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction", and a dozen other books which address various aspects of this disease. These tests are both copyrighted and made available ONLY to individuals who have gone through the certification process to become C.S.A.T.s. That's why only certain therapists can administer the tests. Anyway, that would be my suggestion to you. I don't know if your husband would go along with the idea of seeing a therapist, but I know of no other way to determine if pedophilia or hebephilia is an issue for a sex addict.

On a somewhat different subject, I wonder, what, if anything, you, as the spouse of a sex addict, are doing for yourself. Are you in any kind of a recovery program? Are you aware that there are a number of excellent books available specifically for folks in your situation? Did you know that there are Twelve Step support groups out there for folks like you? And are you aware that there are actual in-patient hospital based treatment programs designed for the spouses/partners of sex addicts? If any of this would be of interest to you, please let me know and I can provide whatever information you'd like.

So there you have my take on things. I hope something here proves helpful to you. If you have any other questions, or if I may be of any further assistance, please let me know. I'm always happy to help in any way I can. Good luck to you!

Charlie

Thanks Charlie-I am getting help-Sanon meetings and therapy-Still unsure about the polygraph-It would certainly help these feelings of doubt about the young girl porn, and whether this is a tendency he has always had.. I will speak to both his and my therapist about all this..
thx!!

Save your judgemental bullshit and keep it to yourself. Just becuase you are a fucking lush doesn't mean you can understand compulsions that porn addicts feel. Did you not do more things to get more and more intoxicated on alcohol as your problem progressed? This is why porn addicts look at harder and more deviant porn, wether it's group sex, rough porn, or girls that look younger. That's what porn sites want you to do, is to become more of a low life so you will stay in the cycle and eventually pay more for their "services". When not in an aroused state from looking at porn the porn addicts mind is quite different from the state it is in after looking at porn for hours. Keep your judgements to yourself and don't think you are better than someone else just because you feel your addiction is not as dirty as someone else's.

to andrewolf-- I really dont need your attacks right now-I;'m going thru one of the worst times in my entire life- I did NOT mean to attact ALL SA's with this issue..maybe it came out wrong, and I apologize if it did.
.. I meant to question MY husbands problem. He has a history with underages girls--I wont get into it here. If that is your addiction and it can takes you to those dark places--fine..I do understand and good luck with your recovery--I came close to smoking crack, but thank God I didnt.
My recovery from alcohol and drugs was long and painful but I am better for it all, and I NEVER stated my addiction was not as "dirty".. I hurt lots of people, and made my amends-- Now, the difference here is, I don't HAVE to stick around for his recovery. I dont HAVE too accept that his addiction is as you state it to be, and does not involve the youth around him. I CAN and will do what I have to , to protect the people I love. I understood alcoholism.. NOT a pretty disease.,.I understood people sticking needles in their arms. also NOT a pretty thing.. stealing from family..going to jail..alcoholism not as dirty?? really?
but if the addiction MY SA has could seriously HARM an innocent child, and I sat around waiting for the individual to get "well" not having a way to tell what is going on in his mind... what would that make me?? an accomplice.
btw, I'm a survivor of incest at 3 years old, by my 15 yr old brother..so I know what I'm talking about.. that recovery for me will be lifelong..

Hi Andrewolf,

Obviously, I don't know you, nor do I know what issues you are dealing with, or have dealt with in the past. Perhaps some of these issues caused you to go off on MaryDNJ like you did. I don't know. But I just want you to know that talking to another member of this panel the way you did with MaryDNJ is TOTALLY and COMPLETELY INAPPROPRIATE, and there is absolutely no excuse for such behavior.

I am not necessarily trying to personally defend MaryDNJ here. Rather, I am speaking up for all members of this panel. We will NOT tolerate such behavior from ANYONE, not just you. If you can't be civil when you post, I would ask that you not post at all. Ridicule doesn't help anyone. There is a way to disagree with others without getting nasty about it, and if you intend to remain a member of this panel, I would ask that you figure out exactly how to do that.

Further outbursts such as those here will be reported to the management of DS as abuse, and I will ask them to remove you from this website (Daily Strength) permanently. They have done this many times before, and I'm sure they'd have no problems doing so again.

Please don't take this as a personal attack against you. It certainly isn't meant to be so. Rather, think of it as a wake-up call. I'm simply asking you to please think before you post anything and be careful not to offend others if that is possible. I hope to see a lot more of you on this site, and I also hope that this is the last time I'll need to ask you to be considerate of others. Thanks for your time and understanding.

Thanks Charlie-I appreciate that-I was thinking of deleting my membership here before seeing your post..
-- they say in AA, that some are sicker than others, and I know thats true because I was one of the "sicker" ones for a time, and still can be if I react before thinking things through.... progress not perfection..
I too hope andrewolf gets all the help he needs.

I am on here every day... I don't say much but the above outburst offends me too... There is just no place for it in recovery... it's really messing with my Zen here. Let's respect each other and realize that though people are in different places in the addiction or recovery... it is the same disease. Let's get well. -Cactus

Mary,
I wanted to apoligize for my earlier response to you. It doesn't excuse me but I was in a bad place that day and I truly feel sorry for what I said and anyway that it made you feel. I was taking some frustration with my wife not understanding me out on you and that was wrong. Good luck with things in your life and I hope you can forgive me.

Hey Andrewolf--no problem-I really do understand. When I posted that question the whole issue was SO raw---and actually you helped me look at myself, and my being "judgemental" (definetely one of my character defects) so ..its all good! I wish you the best in your recovery. I am learning more every day about this addiction, and coming to a better understanding..thanks for the hug..
:)

hi mary...i am sorry you are going through this...it is not easy for any of us...i think that you have a lot of soul searching to do as far as coming to conclucions as to what you will or can accept and tolerate as you go through this recovery process...i know that you will gain more clarity as you go along and be able to make better decisions for your child and yourself in the future. right now in addition to getting help for yourself and encouraging your spouse to get help there is one thing you need to do more than anyting else...keep yourself safe an even more importantly is keep your daughter safe...she is a child entrusted to your care and her safety is even more important than your feelings or your spouses...so if you feel she is in danger you must act...no matter the cost to your marriage...she is your first responsibility..she will always be your daughter...your spouse may not always be your spouse...and if you are willing to endanger her becasue you are more concerned with your own love life you must ask yourself why that is and do something about it..if you do not protect her and something abd happens you will never forgive yourself later when you are thinking more clearly...and she may never either...

and the first thing you should know is that all addicts have one thing in common...they are extremely good liars...they can and will lie convincingly about anything in order to protect their addiction..in fact one way to tell if someone is serious about recovery is their ability to confess all their actions openly and honestly...until they can do that they are hiding part of themselves and continuing in their addiciton...in fact the continued hiding and not revealing all will result in shame and guilt inside of them which ironically will lead them to act out even though they may want or seem to be getting help and recovery...it may even cause them to ramp up their acting out and do things they had not even done before...

so just because he says he does not carry it outside of the pc does not mean he doesn't..in fact it is highly improbably he can control his attractions at all...from my own experience i know that every time i found something new i asked my sa if it went further and every time he denied it...and then i found that it did go further...way further than i could have imagined...he never once told me the truth...i had to find it all myself in a very painful process of discovery...you may want to consider having an honest discussion with your daughter to see if he may have acted badly with her already...it is possible that he may have and told her not to tell...abusers always intimidate their victims into keeping their guilt and sahem and secrets...better to err on the side of caution and ask her yourself being sure to reassure her it is not her fault and you love her no matter what if somehting bad has happened..

i suggest you look further into other areas to see what you may not already know about..and continue looking until you are fully satisfied he has not acted out in other ways..things like phone records,,cell phone info,,credit card bills, hotel bils if he goes out of town...etc. sadly when we discover the first bit of acting out it is often just the tip of the iceberg...it is a progressive disease and it continues to grow and get worse until they get help...and from the sounds of his past he has as most had this from childhood....so he has progressed pretty far down the path i imagine...

so my advice to you is to ask yourself.....knowing what you know about who he looks at and becomes aroused by...do you feel comfortable having your daughter around him? will you ever again feel comfortable having her or any other underage girls around him? will you trust him again with yourself and be sure he has not exposed you to disease with other people without your knowledge or consent? or that he wont be inappropriate with your daughter or other young girls which will open a whole other arena of emotional and financial calamity for you and your family if their is illegal activity?

by your comments i think the answer is a definite no...you are asking this site because you lack confidence in your own judgement which is blurred by your shock and pain and your deep down need for your need for love and affection....which you clearly are not even receiving from him as he is getting what he needs from underage porn..not you...please consider very carefully an addict is not able to exercsie good judgement and you can not expect him to control himself or the consequences of his actions...and an addict who is attracted to underage girls is a pedophile.... for which i do not believe there is a cure yet...i wish you the best...stay strong you are not alone and keep yourself and your child safe

drptrials..
Thank you for your input and advice-there was quite alot to think about and. First: i have spoken with my daughter several times about my SA. Not just since this discovery, but years before this. I am very aware that the perpetrator can manipulate the victim..
As someone who was abused, I dont trust anyone, -Im sad to say, not even my own other children, becuase i was abused by my brother. I am highly suspicious, which then, as you said, leads me to doubting myself because its difficult to distingish between what is "real" and what is my own fear. This discovery of course is "real" and my SA is trying to tell me it is NOT real, and is only in the fantasy of the computer. My daughter comes first. My SA knew that when we met. I am trying to work my program of recovery and alllow my SA to recover( if he can) but I have not forgotten..not in the least. I am waiting for the right time to give him the polygraph.(probably within the next month)
I would have preferred him leaving here, but for now, I am keeping a watchful eye and I have discussed this with my therapist. She will likely see my daughter as well. I work at home,so I have been fortunate enough to care for my children. That of course was not what my H was expecting when we married. I worked outside the house then, and maybe he thoguth he would have had more "freedom" . I dont know.
I have searched the cell,phone records..all credit cards are gone, and I have access to all banking. He does not go on trips, and is home most of the time because he has been unemployed or works part time for my business(on the computer! another reason I was so mad--hours I thought he was helping me was spent on porn!)
So, I will take your advice very seriously. I have been betrayed before in my prior marriage, not by sex, but with substance abuse, and I had to search and spy to find he was lying, and eventaully divorced him. I will NEVER put my own love life before my children.. Thats not my "MO".. in fact I divorced twice before. My "MO" is to walk out when things get difficult.. That is a huge part of my problem here, and part of my AA recovery( 10 years) . I will keep looking. You are actually echoing thoughts I have been having the last few days that there is still something hidden, but I dont want to drive myself crazy either. Its a difficult balance..Sanon is teaching me to move on and heal, but I cant do that until I am 100% sure of this "underaged" issue.( which he says is just 18-25).
After the polygraph, we will see where this marriage goes. Thank you!

I want to add something I read last night, as an alert to the SA s on here(who I do have sympathy and support for) and the spouses/partners as well.
I read the US penal code relating to child pornography and it is alarming. First 20% of the free pron is child pronography.
Second, the US law states: If the image depicts a sex act with an individual that is portrayed or appears to be underage, that is punishable by law--In other words, it does not matter if the girl is over 18, the intension is to depict underage girls, children engaing in hardcore sex.. and therefore anyone looking at or downloading this can be arrested.. That is powerful stuff and news to me. I am afraid for what is on my own computer with the spying. I truly beleive that many people are lured into this underage porn, thinking as MANY (even my H's therapist) that "true" child porn is difficult to get and you have to pay for it. NO! All the sites that say "young teen" and there are thousands if not millions, are child porn according to the USA. The sites that CLEARLY state barely legal and over 18 are OK, but many of the site do not. There may be a disclaimer somewhere hidden, but it is the intension that is punishable by law. I have read stories in books and online of "ordinary" men, some in the christian church, who were given 5 years in jail for hidden images from months prior , after they had been in recovery. So, to everyone, if you are in recovery.. get rid of your computer--swap out the hard drive.. search under "HIDDEN files..google how to do that(I did) . and wipe out anything that can incriminate you or your partner. I would HATE to see anyone who was truly trying to get well, be arrested for this crap that is polluting our internet. The people putting this ON THE internet should be arrested . . peace.. m

Hi MaryDNJ

I'm a spouse whose h has now been in recovery for over 3 years now, and i can understand how you're feeling. Earlier on i too struggled with understanding why my h sort certain things or acted on certain impulses, when he claimed to be a man of faith. With much education and reading on Sexual Addictions i was able to come to a place of understanding. One of the best things that help me finally lay to rest my concerns was a link that was shared here one day, it opened me eyes and even my h's eyes, and helped him verbalise some things he was unable to share with me.

Here is a link.....hope it helps you also

http://yourbrainonporn.com/your-brain-on-porn-series
There a 6 parts i think, from memory.......all worthy

Take care xxx