Sardino.

This is another are where I can offer insight. So I will illustrate it for you in a way that you can see the huge difference between compulsive and healthy sexual behavior.

Let us take a page from my own compulsive past, when I was at the height of the addiction, there was not a single second and I am not kidding when I say this, where I was not thinking about indulging, I was counting literally the minutes where I could, I could not enjoy anything but it was taking me away from indulging. My life revolved around it, my entire life was saturated with the thought of indulgence yet it was never enough, even if my body could no longer respond to stimuli, it did not matter, I still had to.

So here you have it in a nutshell, if you need it, then it is compulsive.

Let us forward to now, I can take it or leave it, my sex drive fluctuates but it does not matter if I have sex or not because my life no longer centers around that subject whatsoever. Do I masturbate? Yes but I do so sparingly and when I do, I am present and I am not distracted by intrusive images of past images because they are not there anymore.

So in a nutshell, it is a preference not a need. When we can choose whether to partake in sexual activity and it is not a matter of life or death, then we can say it is healthy sexual behavior.

Lastly, we know we have reached a healthy approach to sex when we no longer see others as sexual objects to be used for our own gratification and see them for the human beings they actually are.

Hope this helps,
Wolf (5 and 1/2 years sober)

"Let us forward to now, I can take it or leave it, my sex drive fluctuates but it does not matter if I have sex or not because my life no longer centers around that subject whatsoever. Do I masturbate? Yes but I do so sparingly and when I do, I am present and I am not distracted by intrusive images of past images because they are not there anymore.
"

Hi wolfie. Thanks for this! Actually, I masturbated this morning but did so without the computer. I actually woke up more sexually aroused than usual, and I also realized that my testicles were starting to swell from I guess build up. So I did so, "presently" as you said, and not with the help of the computer. I made the decision because I figured it would release some sexual energy, relieve my pain, and ease the triggers I'd be around all day. It worked well actually and it felt good to do so without going on some type of porn or personals profile bender before doing so.

Yes, you have have healthy sex without being an addict, similar to you can drink without being an alcoholic. The relationship with my wife is the best in our 5+ years of marriage after I killed my addiction. Sex is part of our life, but we focus on so many other things to build our relationship that I am not seeking sex every day or sometimes even every week.

We just let it happen naturally when we both feel it. It has been very fulfilling and I am sure a large population have a fulfilling sex life without addictive behavior.

Blessings!

Sardino,

Actually, it is strongly recommended to abstain from any kind of sexual activity, including masturbation for, at least, 90 days, I personally abstained for 6 months to endure that the connection between porn and masturbation was severed during my recovery work.

What you were experiencing was your body indicating to you that you had abstained, in other words, a withdrawal symptom. You do not have to "let off pressure" so to speak. it will do it on its own while you sleep.

Sorry to say, your body is still active in addictive mode, so the only way to stop the cycle is to stop the activity altogether, if that is what you truly want to accomplish: a full recovery. It is not easy but it is possible, it simply takes a lot of patience and a lot of hard work.

After all, most of the work you will be doing will be recovery, 24/7, your life has to revolve around it, otherwise, you'll go back to where you were.

Been there, done that and trust me, it was not worth one iota,
Wolf (5 and 1/2 years sober)

Thanks for the replies. I think then abstaining will be the best for the moment, or at least to do my best to abstain completely. Then what is the role of masturbation in maintaining a healthy sex life? I guess this is a difficult question to answer, but nothing I have come across really speculates or suggests what that role is.

From a partner's perspective, I can tell you that in a healthy relationship with another person, masturbation really doesn't have any role. Masturbation robs relationships of any kind of intimacy and fear of intimacy is really one of the underpinnings of this addiction. You will also lose your ability to have and/or maintain an erection with another person if you continue to rely on satisfying yourself.
Here's a link which will help you understand.
www.yourbrainonporn.com

Sardino,

Shanas has a great point but I am here to bring up another factor. By the mere instance that you are concerned about how your sex life will be, tells me exactly where you are in the addictive cycle.

Let me elaborate, now in my sober life, five and some years into it, I do not concern myself about whether I will ever masturbate or ever have sex or not because my life does not revolve around it. I have better things to do than to worry about the last time I had sex or the last time I masturbated.

Considering that I am single and let us be honest sex only takes, at the most, a couple of hours a week or every three days on average (that is sex with others) and 30 minutes at the most when solo, once a week if that, then can you see that sex is not really all that important if we are to compare it to eating, drinking or breathing. See what I am trying to say here?

Frankly, I would rather live out my days making a difference than worry about whether I will ever have sex again. By this I am not saying that sex is bad, I am simply saying, I have better things to do.

Have a great day,
Wolf

I think I see what you are saying. Basically, you are saying it is better to not even concern one's self with sex at all? Like thing about it or anything like that? My question came out of the fact that I wasn't sure if masturbation was healthy or not. A lot of what I've read say that it is, but "healthy" sex and masturbation are never fully described, which leave me wondering what it means or if it is just some kind of vague blanket statement that means "I am not saying that you should act as if you are castrated, but you kind of should."

Sardino,

You truly misunderstood what I was trying to convey. What I was saying was that right now in your life your number one priority should be to recover from this addiction and start having a healthy life.

Should you concern yourself whether or not you will ever have sex? As I said in another post, it should be an option not a need. In other words, if you never have it again for whatever reason, it should not be the end of the world.

Have a great day,
Wolf (5 and 1/2 years sober)

Hi wolfiepa,

I understand what you are saying. But what is difficult is that I am in a relationship and I am not entirely sure of the line between what is healthy sexual thoughts and actions vs those that are not. I've not been thinking about having sex, at least not in the obsessive way that I was, but now I am wondering if its possible to active sexual thoughts in a healthy way or if that is at all possible. Does that make sense?

I think you have to define what you mean by healthy sex to get better responses.

For me (I am married), healthy sex is:

1. Being monogamous and faithful in marriage.

2. Pay full attention to my wife during sex, I used to imagine other woman during my addictive days. Last few months, I focus fully on my wife.

3. Lots of intimacy during the course of the day, it included caring kisses, hugs, holding hands, giving her a shoulder, leg massages etc.

4. Being attentive to your wife's needed. Sex is a two person thing, having a high sex drive - I am ready to have sex anytime, anyplace. My wife is modest and for me healthy sex is whenever my wife wants and not when I want.

Healthy sex for me, in summary, is caring about your partner's needs and wishes more than yours. You reap what you sow, if you focus all your energy and attention on your wife, you will definitely receive it back - many times over.

Take one step at a time, first get rid of addiction - once it is behind you, put your energy on healthy sex. Think about the time when you fell in love with your wife and proposed to her. That love and healthy sex you had when only your fiance(now your wife) mattered can be reclaimed.

Sardino,

I understand now where you are coming from, the short answer is that if the sexual thought does not involve acting out a demeaning scene from one of your porn fantasies, involves you using your partner for your own selfish pleasure but it is borne out of wanting be be present the entire time and it involves the idea of wanting to express your love for her in an intimate manner, then it is healthy.

Does that make sense?
Wolf (5 and 1/2 years sober)

Wolfiepa and Believe,

Thanks for your replies. Yes, that all makes a lot of sense and I understand where you are both coming from. It certainly helps to clear things up!