You may not appreciate this reply, but the above posting is why men conceal this activity and are hesitant to bring it into the daylight to get real help and get this ugly habit behind them, is that once found out, he is made to feel guilty for his actions, which I'm sure he picks up from you, whether you mention your feelings or not. Wrong, no doubt about it, but why ask him to get help, then view this as anything other than an addiction that needs to be addressed, confronted, and weaned out of existence? I've always said, if a woman could possess a man's body for one day, and see how we think about women, both sexually and otherwise, then women would know more about their opposite number, and instead of viewing men as simpletons and sex fiends, you'd understand what "drive" and "self control" means, which all men struggle with their entire adult lives. Then, you'd be more compassionate and less judgmental, and therefore, infinitely more helpful once a habit like this is discovered. If you think an ongoing negative attitude will be helpful at all, not just to the man but to you as well, maybe you ought to just terminate the relationship and save BOTH of you any further suffering...

I think I can understand what you are feeling. My wife always kept her distance from my recovery from porn addiction, and I think it was because she did not want to feel like a babysitter. For that I am grateful, as I really didn't want her to be a babysitter either. Fortunately, she is pretty good at letting the past go, and I really wanted to make a change, so I kept trying until I succeeded.

I think that if you are getting married, it is crucial that you be able to see your fiance as an equal -- a man whom you can respect. If you are not able to see him that way right now, be honest with him. If this relationship needs more time or is unsalvageable, it is better that you decided that now than after the vows.

Thanks for your advice guys....how did you guys rekindle your "flame"? He said he has buried his sex drive because its easier for it to not "tempt" him.

What you are experiencing is a normal response for the loved one of a sex addict. This is a trauma for you, and you may need to take steps to deal with your own trauma from his disclosure on your own, separate from his recovery efforts. You still need to be firm on the limits you set with him, and enforce them. Trust is a situation that is easy to lose and takes a long time to get back.

One other thing to keep in mind regarding "rekindling your flame". One part is his doing the right thing over a long period of time consistently. This helps the trust issues you will undoubtedly have. Another is knowing the difference between healthy sexual activity and unhealthy ones. I define sex addiction as any sexual activity that harms yourself or others. If his sexual activity is harmful to you, then it is an addiction, and should be avoided. If not, then it is healthy for him to partake in. Let me get more detailed here briefly. I further break down sexual activity into 3 categories: Outer circle, Middle circle, and inner circle. Imagine a bullseye. The Inner Circle, or bullseye, are the activities to be avoided that would constitute a relapse. Some examples of this might potentially include attending strip clubs, having affairs, or internet porn. Middle circle activities are ones that are not a relapse, but also not helpful or healthy. Examples of these vary depending on the limits you and him have established, but might include watching movies with provocative content, or seeing an attractive female in a skimpy bikini at the beach. Outer circle activities are ones that are helpful, such as a monogamous sexual relationship or sexual activity with the spouse/partner. One other suggestion that may help, without getting to graphic and triggering others that may read this, is the importance of eye contact during outer circle healthy sexual activity. Eye contact throughout helps both partners to reconnect and establish trust.

Sorry for the delayed response -- been pretty busy the last few days. I think that for my wife and me, the secret to rekindling our relationship was mostly just spending more time together -- even just going for walks or watching tv, or going out for dinner when we can. We didn't have to "try" to fall in love the first time around; it just happened as we got to know each other. I would say the same thing happened this time -- we remembered the things we'd fallen in love with last time and realized that, although we've changed over the years, those same qualities are still there and in some ways improved. Eventually, this led us to being more physically affectionate, where we make contact outside of the bedroom as well -- our kids have even commented on it. ("Why are you guys always so kissy now?")

One challenge has been finding things we like to do in common, as we do have a lot of different interests from each other, but we give each other space for our own passions and make time for each other as well. Occasionally we'll do something that really only one of us wants to do, but the other will go with an open mind. Sometimes it's not about the activity or the destination, but just making time for each other.