I have read in many articles that the first step in curing addiction is placing your trust in someone else and telling them about your problems. But no matter how hard I try, I am unable to do this, because of my lack in social skills and simply dont have anyone to share my burden with, and I hope posting here will help me.

I started watching pornography when I was 12 or 13. At the time, I had stumbled across some erotic images by chance and was fixated by them. I knew what i was doing was wrong, but i couldn't resist looking at those images everyday. Then it evolved into reading erotic stories and text and finaly i started watching full fledged porn videos. I would stay up at night(still do), without my parents knowing about it and would watch porn for an hour or so, then watch some youtube or anything else as a break and immediately get back to seeing porn. I did this everyday and this started affecting my life. I would fall asleep in the classroom, not pay attention in class and started becoming really distant and anti-social(which is a huge problem for me today). I coludnt even control my urges before exams and would see porn instead of studying, which lead to a lot of stress, to a point where I pull hair out due to the frustration. My parents never suspected anything and never punished me because i would somehow manage to get a decent grade, but the stress and anxiety i felt during exam time was something i never wanted to feel again. Since i managed to hide my addiction, the problem only got worse. My parents bought me a new phone and started letting me be indpendent as time went on, making the problem worse.

The first time i mastrubated was when i was 15. After doing the act, i felt somewhere inside that i had just made a dangerous plunge into a dark abyss, and if i did not stop there, i would face serious consequnces. But this did not stop me. A few days later i did it again and then again and again, I spiralled downwards into and endless cycle of seeing some porn, feeling guilt ridden afterwards, feeling hatred towards myself and a sense of self-loathing, telling myself that it will not happen again and that i would use my will-power to stop, only to end up seeing porn after sometime.

its the worst when i am left home alone. I pick up my phone the moment everyone leaves the house, and start mastrubating. After this, i dont even feel any guilt. I waste some time and watch TV as a 'break', and then after an hour or so, I get back to it again. when finall my family returns, i am hit with an extrme sense of shame and guilt, but when left alone , i cant even control my body, i just start moving without thinking and its as though my mind is someplace, and the one controlling my boady is this addiction.

I have tried to stop many time with willpower alone, and each time i have failed. Somewhere deep down I always felt that porn is not that bad of an addiction that i can stop when i want to. But now it has reached a point, where i need help. I have started having thoughts like "why am i alive? i am not doing anything with my life.....maybe i should end it all.....what can a pathetic guy like me ever hope to achieve...".  i think about the times as a kid i had so many dreams and wanoted to achieve so much, now i may not be able to do anything because i was too weak to resist the temptation. thinking about things like this makes me depressed and i just end up seeing porn again to feel happier, but in the end it makes it even worse.

Whenever i speak with girls, my throat clogs up and i just cant speak at all.  when i was a kid(before i found porn), i had no problem interacting with girls and even had a pretty large group of friends. I could speak with them freely and had no social problems, but now, whenever i see a girl, i am unable to even make eyecontact and just look like a pathetic loser. i keep imagining them in fantasies, which just increases my drive to see porn.

Today i am highschooler, going to college next year. I an socially impaired, physically unfit and mentally disturbed. to get into college, i will be taking an exam in four months. I had all of highschool to prepare for it.....but i wasted all of that time seeing porn and mastrubating. Now i feel as though i cant go on like this. all of my classmates have worked hard and seeing their efforts just makes me feel pathetic and stupid. i fell as though i dont even deserve to be in the same classroom as them. i keep having thoughts about ending it all...

I have got to stop this cancer thats ruining my life. I just will not be able to bear the look on my parents faces when their son is unable to get into college. 

All the attempts i made in the past to stop failed miserably.... i hope by sharing here something will change.