I have been struggling with porn addiction for over 10 years at this point. I am currently in my mid 20s. I was first exposed to it around 8 years old on accident and by the time I was 12, I was hooked. I would watch it multiple times a day and in inappropriate situations. I knew it was an issue but because I didn’t notice much repercussions I only made a few serious efforts to stop. For me, no one was hurt by me watching porn and it was seen as a normal thing to do. 

Looking back, I see how it harmed by capacity to build meaningful relationships with women because all I wanted was sex from them. Just like in the videos I was always watching. Even though I had become aware, this behavior continued into my early adulthood.

Even still, there had been no clear consequences to my actions. Yesterday, porn addiction ruined my relationship. A year and a half down the drain because I couldn’t control myself. Since I had entered the relationship, I had been less and less reliant on porn and had begun to mostly filter it out. I stopped looking at most “soft” porn on social media like half naked women for the sake of my relationship but it was not enough. My partner did not like this sort of material and began to push me to phase it out of my life. I was trying to stop but I would slip up here and there. These past few months, I had been looking at more and more hardcore material and the issues have started to flood in with this relationship. Last night, my girlfriend left me after seeing I followed a thirst trap TikTok page. 

It feels so embarrassing to me that I ruined my future over some instant gratification with online women. After she left, my body and mind were urging me to binge in porn. Maybe I can get clean and she will want to be with an improved version of me. A version that only has eyes for her. Either way this goes, I want to break this cycle of addiction, binging, abstaining and relapsing I go through every few months.