Sex / Pornography Addiction Support Group
Sexual addiction, also sometimes called sexual compulsion, is a form of psychological addiction to sexual intercourse and other sexual behavior.
Hi everyone, this is my first day with this group. I am ready to squash the beast that is this addiction, with a burning passion. I have been struggling for two years now and the last year has been me failing to demolish this. I feel like I have tried everything but this. If i can create a human connection to my goal, where I would feel like relapsing would disappoint not just me, but the other people who are also rooting for me, then I truly believe i can overcome this hurdle in my life. I want the support, advice and comments from others so that when the urges come, thinking of everyone on this site and the human connection, stops me. I truly hope that this can be my savior and i can find the root of why i do this. I will be glad to give more updates and answers later. I hope this community is what saves me.
I posted this on another thread but I hope you will find it helpful on your journey. If there are any questions, please let me know.
Entering a recovery program such a 12 step or recovery nation which is online and free would help immensely but know that porn has absolutely no power over you, in fact, porn needs you to continue, not the other way around
There is something to be said about "nazi" tactics, as some would call them, though there is nothing nazi about them, even remotely
What they are are is stringent but tried and true rules that ensure success well into sobriety and beyond. Everyones recovers differently but the main rules of conduct, for lack of a better word are non negotiable and those are:
1) Purging of all porn material, that includes canceling premium channels or anything that could be remotely tempting. There can be no room for porn to even gain an inch of room in one's life ever again. When we say all, we mean all, there is no more just in case.
2) Sex is off the table ( with ourselves or others) for at the very least 6 months. To be extended every 3 months if the intrusive images are still taking place. Talk of sex is another no no, sex is not to be part of conversation, under no circumstances, discussion of such only serves to feed the addicted mind and keep us enslaved. That includes, discussing fantasies or even sexual habits that need correcting. There will be plenty of time later when the brain has rebooted and we can see it with fresh eyes.
3) There cannot be a relapse or slip get out of jail card. Keeping that card only serves to prolong the addictive cycle and set the clock back and the reboot cycle gets twarted. It is akin to reformatting your hard drive only to go back to the behaviors that ruined it in the first place
4) There has to be a set of new healthy habits established during the recovery to replace the unhealthy addicted behavior, an air tight schedule if you will otherwise you will most likely relapse
5) Last but not least, there has to be a spiritual practice, no more unhealthy thoughts, learn to deal with unpleasant emotions, no more profanity in one's vocabulary specially sexually laden ones, no more negativity or defeating thought and no complaining, we can say how we feel: angry, frustrated, etc but we cannot feel sorry for ourselves or whine about how bad it is because by doing so, we are feeding the addicted mind its favorite dish: pity.
So a total attitude change has to happen because the addiction feeds off our negativity. This is specially important during the first 3 months of recovery while under the throes of withdrawal, we need to remain firm and unrelenting in pur resolve not to give in to our compulsion, knowing that the urge is just that, an urge it does not mean we have to do anything about it, the opposite is true, doing nothing is the best remedy. By spiritual I do not mean religion but taking care of our inner selves and lives. We are winners so we must act like winners, not say we are yet act like the world is against us. I read a long time ago that the subconscious has no sense of humor,so if we say we are free from addiction yet keep acting in addictive ways, it will only see the addictive behavior and follow that, instead. There has to be consistency for it to work for us.
I know these rules seem daunting at first but if practiced on a regular basis, they become second nature. If they seem too restrictive, think about this, it took me 6 months to recover practicing them and another year and a half to get my life back and 5 years later I am still free from the addictive behavior.
I wish you well on your journey, I hope you learn to look at it as a learning experience and see it for the hidden blessing that it is, it is not enough to stop the behavior, not learning from the experience would be very sad and lastly, as addictions often do, when we recover, we are forced to let go of many beliefs thst kept us enslaved to the addiction. So it ls best to remain open and willing to change. Remember we cannot put new wine in old skins.
Best of luck to you,
Wolf "
P..S Also a contingency plan has to be made to address triggers (those feelings that causes us to act out) so this way, everything gets take care of and have to be included in the action plan as you are a fan of organization.
You are very welcome, the main thing is that now you made your decision and you have to stick to it. its your sole responsibility to live the live of someone addiction free.
Be patient, be vigilant. Some in recovery think that acting out every now and this is acceptable behavior, it is not. Acting out is an indication that the plan you set out is not working as you hoped, so before you even think of acting out, change it.
I had to revise my plan many times during those two years, I had to get medieval on the addiction to get the desired results. You are not in the least powerless, the opposite is true, it only feels that way, nothing outside of yourself has any power over you unless you abdicate that power.
The most important aspect of recovery is self awareness, that is to pay attention to your thoughts and feelings. For instance, when I was in recovery I discovered that frustration led me to act out, I knew this because every time I felt frustrated, I felt the urges to act out but did not. instead, I addressed the frustration which was due to my need to control whatever was happening around me, once I let go of that need and took care of the things I could control which was myself and my emotion, my life got much easier and it became extremely handy during the withdrawals which made me feel like a bear with a horrid case of fleas with no tree in sight.
The other thing was introspection, one thing the addiction does is make us extremely self centered and egomaniacs in the worst way, it is all about the high but as luck would have it, and hence why I call porn visual meth is that you will never ever ever get that first high ever again., so let us give up that illusion.
So we need to go from egomania to healthy. How do we do it? by stepping out of ourselves and our "needs". Sex mostly, we do not need sex, we have three basic needs lest we die: air, food and water. Everything else is AN option. This is important to remember, specially when we get urges, because if we know we can choose whether to indulge or not, then we realize we have that power to choose. Such as, "I could indulge and start the clock all over again but I choose to be free and healthy" Isn't that more empowering that saying, "Oh this is soooooo hard!!!"
I am not saying it will be easy because it will not be but we can make our lives much easier by being practical and creative. The road will be rough and long but every day that goes by that there is no addictive behavior of any kind, it is a day closer to freedom.
Lastly it would also behoove you to start reading inspirational books by authors like Norman Vincent Peal, Wayne Dyer, Louise Hay, Eckhart Tolle, Neal Donald Walsch, Joseph Murphy, Joel Osteen, etc. I am not religious but I found that listening to Joel Osteen weekly sermons while I was working to be the extra push I needed to keep me on track. I keep a devotional and a book by my night table and read them every night a chapter. It sets the tone for the next day. i know my methods are somewhat unorthodox but they have worked for me and it is my hope that they can work for you too and like every plan, it can be tweaked.
Another thing, learn to accept and love yourself as you are right now, you are complete and whole, learn to care for yourself and your body. Nourish it and take care of it, you are not getting a new body. :) Be patient and if something is not working change it, do not berate yourself. and please and this is important, do not say anything unkind about yourself to others or to others, the subconscious is like a sponge, so if you are going to say anything or think anything be sure it is positive even if at first you do not believe it.
Best of luck and as always, be kind to yourself,
Wolf